‘American Pie,’ 15 Years Later: The Power Rankings

Can you believe it’s been 15 years since the teen sex comedy was reinvented with the premiere of American Pie? Man, it seems like only yesterday that I was making a “One time, at band camp…” reference. (It was probably yesterday, because that joke totally never, ever got old!) The movie that finally answered the question, “What would this pie look like if I put my genitals in it?” brought us a lot of laughter and a new crop of Hollywood stars who, well, didn’t do a whole lot besides making more American Pie movies. In honor of its anniversary, here’s a definitive, completely objective power ranking of the film’s main cast members.

Thomas Ian Nicholas
Aww, Thomas Ian Nicholas showed such promise (Rookie of the Year, anyone?), and it seems he hit his peak with American Pie. What followed? The American Pie sequels, a Halloweenmovie, The Rules of Attraction, and a lot of b-movies. Oh, and a tiny role in Please Give, but not even Nicole Holofcener’s endorsement can save this career.

Shannon Elizabeth
I don’t think anyone really expected much from Shannon Elizabeth except for her ability to take off her bra. But hey, she’s also played in the World Series of Poker several times, so I suppose she has some skills after all.

Eddie Kaye Thomas
If narrowly avoiding pants-shitting on film wasn’t bad enough, Thomas went on to be a featured voice actor on American Dad!

Chris Klein
Having caught a lot of attention for his role in Election, Chris Klein should have been a bigger star. But a series of terrible movies followed, then his fiancée Katie Holmes dumped him, and the most exciting thing he’s done since was that awkward leaked audition video for a role inMamma Mia!

Tara Reid
In an era when there’s no such thing as bad publicity, Tara Reid has perfected her role as Running Pop-Culture Joke for the last 15 years by starring in such illustrious films like The Crow: Wicked Prayer, My Boss’s Daughter, Sharknado, and The Hungover Games.

Mena Suvari
Between American Pie and American Beauty, 1999 was the year that Mena Suvari that everyone (or, at least Chris Klein and Kevin Spacey) wanted to bone. Like many of her American Pie castmates, Suvari floundered around Hollywood, popping up in various forgettable films. But hey, she is the only one to play a role in a movie that picked up a Best Picture Oscar.

Seann William Scott
The two-time MTV Movie Award winner is certainly best known for playing one of the biggest douchebags on screen, but his post-American Pie career wasn’t all that exciting. Sure, who could forget such classics like Dude, Where’s My Car? and Southland Tales? Or how aboutRoad Trip, which featured a scene in which he learns how much he loves being fingered? What a star.

Eugene Levy
Eugene Levy would be higher up there solely because he’s been working consistently for years, particularly as a member of Christopher Guest’s regular group of actors. But then you must remember that Eugene Levy has been in every American Pie movie—even the direct-to-video spin-offs.

Jennifer Coolidge
Like Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge is a working actress, showing up in bit parts in multiple comedies a year. Also like Levy, Coolidge has appeared in plenty of Christopher Guest’s comedies. And will you ever think of another person when you hear the term “MILF?”

Jason Biggs
What happens when your first movie role requires you to fuck a pie? Well, the bar is set pretty low, and Jason Biggs didn’t really aim for much higher. He’s worked with some great directors like Amy Heckerling and Woody Allen on some middling movies (Loser, Anything Else). But still, everybody knows Jason Biggs, giving him a lot more rank than most of his American Pie co-stars. We live in a weird time, you guys.

Natasha Lyonne
There’s no Gen-Y Hollywood success story quite like Natasha Lyonne, who rose to fame as an indie starlet and nearly fell from grace permanently after struggles with substance abuse. But she’s clean and sober and back to work, most notably in Orange Is the New Black.

Alyson Hannigan
It’s not a hard bunch to beat, really, but Hannigan obviously comes up on top here. It’s been quite a road for a gal whose claim to fame could have been limited to masturbating with a flute (albeit offscreen). Thankfully, between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and How I Met Your Mother, Hannigan is also known for being a bisexual witch and Jason Segal’s hopelessly dedicated girlfriend.