Throwback: ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan”

Right now, thousands of hardcore science fiction, fantasy and comic book fans are swarming Day 1 of San Diego Comic-Con. However, not everyone who’s harbored a lifelong love of all things geeky managed to get passes. Even if you can’t be camped out in Hall H today, you can still revisit one of the first great sci-fi action films that appealed to convention crawling nerds and the general public alike: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan hit theaters in 1982, a time when every science fiction movie was trying to be Star Wars. Now, every new science fiction film is trying to be Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The film effortlessly caters to the Trekkies who remember every minute detail about “Space Seed” and presents a riveting plot that any newbie can get sucked into. It’s such a great film with so many iconic lines and moments that J.J. Abrams has pretty much looted every part of it for his two Star Trek reboot flicks. So, let’s look back at this classic science fiction thriller and ask ourselves the same probing questions that Mr. Spock would. Like, was Kirstie Alley’s Saavik supposed to be Kirk’s love interest? Was Dr. Carol Marcus supposed to get it on with Kirk again? Are Kirk and Spock in love? Does Benedict Cumberbatch really look like a young Ricardo Montalban? And is Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan a searingly violent look into the tortured psyches of people who just can’t let go of the past or is it just a dumb movie for nerds? Let’s engage…

3:30 – “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name…” In this case, that place is outer space.

7:46 – OLDS. This movie is about old people realizing they’re old.

17:04 – You have to admit that “Botany Bay” is the lamest thing you could name a ship that carries a race of sociopathic super humans.

21:31 – I mean, I guess Benedict Cumberbatch sort of looks like a young Ricardo Montalban. They both have cheekbones and eyes.

34:21 – Is there supposed to be sexual tension between Admiral Kirk and Saavik? I don’t think there should be sexual tension. I think there is, but I don’t think there should be. I think this is gross.

47:22 – Pop Quiz: Is this a collection of superhumans obsessed with vengeance or a family that stars in a 1970s glam rock-sketch comedy variety show?

52:02 – Do you ever think that Kirk thinks about Khan, and then thinks to himself in Regina George’s voice, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”

56:06 – There’s nothing like seeing a Scotsman carrying a dead engineering student like a baby to drive home that science fiction is weird.

1:06:34 – You know how old Admiral Kirk is in this movie? That young guy with the blonde pube hair that he just punched is his son. Gross! I mean, getting older isn’t gross; blonde pube hair on the top of your head is.

1:08:43 – This is a friendly reminder to buy Q-tips. Sure, they say you shouldn’t use them to clean out your ears, but you should. You don’t want any disgusting wax build up, nor do you want a creepy alien bug in there.

1:10:49 – KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

1:26:43 – At this point, there have been numerous battles, tons of death and a lot of blood. So, naturally, Pube Hair is just hanging out on the Enterprise bridge like he’s posing for an L.L. Bean catalogue.

1:29:07 – Fun Fact: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is also The Phantom of the Opera’s origin story.

1:36:53 – Someone hold me back. I can’t handle all these masculine emotions.

1:39:06 – In the end, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is really just another tragic love story between a egotistical leader and his alien second-in-command. But it’s also a violent look into the tortured psyches of people who just can’t let go. Be like Elsa in Frozen, guys, and let it go. GoWatchIt: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan