My First Time … Watching ‘Howard The Duck’

If you are one of the savvy Marvel Comics obsessives who stuck around after the end credits of Guardians of the Galaxy, you were given a pretty bizarre surprise: an appearance from Marvel character Howard the Duck. It’s not the first time the fowl hero has appeared on film, of course — as much as many people would like to forget the existence of the 1986 flop Howard the Duck (producer George Lucas may likely be one of them), it’s almost impossible. A citizen of Duckworld, Howard (voiced by Chip Zien) is a cigar-smoking, foul- (heh) mouthed creature who is brought to Earth and causes all kinds of mayhem. The human world, after all, is not prepared for a three-foot talking duck that wears three-piece suits.

While a Howard the Duck reboot doesn’t seem likely (thank goodness), I still wanted to see what the character was all about after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy over the weekend. And boy, did I learn some things.

2:06: I already have a lot of questions. On Howard the Duck’s planet, is everyone’s last name “Duck”? Is Howard’s middle name “The”? How come he has a New York City-style zip code when he lives in Marshington, DC? I know it’s a little late to give the people who made this notes, but I’d change that zip to maybe 20031. (Really, “10031” sounds more like a zip code in Quackhattan.)

3:27: I’m a little jealous that Howard the Duck has a nicer apartment than mine. New York real estate is terrible!

4:32: The female ducks on this planet have breasts, apparently. Now I’m thinking entirely too hard about the sex organs of this alien race of ducks.

6:28: No time is wasted with exposition: for some reason, Howard and yanked from his apartment and propelled to Earth through a giant red space wormhole thingee.

8:37: Naturally, some of the first people Howard encounters on Earth is an all-lady motorcycle gang called “Satan’s Sluts,” likely a group of misandrist Harley enthusiast.

10:33: I’m spending the entirety of my viewing experience trying to pin-point exactly when Beverly (Lea Thompson) decides that she’s going to fuck a large talking duck. Is it here? Is this the face of an adult woman who wants to fuck a duck?

19:00: Here’s a sweet, tender moment between Beverly and Howard. Maybe Bev is thinking, “I am going to make love to this duck.”

19:53: First of all, how rude is it for Beverly to go through Howard’s wallet while he’s asleep? And I know that this movie isn’t really much about logic, but I can’t help but notice how the person on the one-dollar bill from wherever Howard is from is actually just George Washington with a beak on his face. Like, that’s a human being with a duck beak on his face. That’s not a duck. So Howard is a duck, but the historical figures important enough to feature on currency are not ducks, but rather humans with duck beaks. Got it.

24:55: So, what you’re saying is that because I’m supposed to believe that the person on the one-dollar bill in Howard’s world is George Washington with a duck beak, I suppose I’m supposed to think, sure, a heterosexual bath house. In Cleveland. Yes.

33:25: “Oh, I’m really bummed that I haven’t fucked that duck yet. Here’s a sad song about it.”

38:42: Why, hello there, Holly Robinson Peete of 21 Jump Street and Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper fame!

44:10: Finally! Beverly, naturally, invites Howard over and saunters around in her underwear and invites him to sleep in her bed with her. I don’t mean to slut-shame, but there are some mixed messages going on here after she caresses his chest and ruffles his feathers and then is like, “LOL, just kidding, I’m not gonna fuck a duck tonight.”

45:13: I just love this shot so much. After some scientists break into Beverly’s apartment and discover, um, THIS, I can’t help but think that Beverly is pissed and embarrassed while Howard is thinking, “This is exactly what it looks like.”

51:02: Uh oh. All of the weird jokey stuff has gotten old and now there’s actual plot, with scientists and a laboratory. I’m going to speed right through this.

1:02:17: Right, so, Jeffrey Jones is now possessed by an alien demon. Plot!

1:07:40: I’m surprised it took over an hour for an angry mob of humans threatened to cook Howard and eat him.

1:02:17: Meanwhile, this is happening.

1:13:24: Oh, this is also happening.

1:20:10: At some point, the evil monster inside of Jeffrey Jones breaks into a nuclear power plant and exposes himself to radiation. Suddenly Howard the Duck has a lot more in common with Silkwood than you’d think.

1:32:19: Ladies and gentleman, Academy Award-winner Tim Robbins.

 

1:36:48: Sometimes I wonder about the connection between the deeply rooted sexism and misogyny in our culture and the fact that most movie monsters look like giant walking vaginas — in this case a giant walking vagina with lobster claws.

1:45:02: Lobster vagina monsters defeated, Howard celebrates by becoming Cherry Bomb’s new manager, and then performing on stage with them at their big-time rock show. Their ascent to superstardom was really fast! Beware the power of hype, Cherry Bomb; today you may be a Best New Music on Pitchfork, tomorrow you’re just another band that randomly shows up on a CW show.

Final Thoughts: More like final questions, really. What is the title of Cherry Bomb’s first album? Where does Howard the Duck shop for clothes? Was 1986 really such a progressive time that a three-foot talking duck could live in the United States without fearing discrimination or violence? Will Beverly and Howard ever bone? Does Howard have a barbed penis? When did he take guitar lessons? Was Chip Zien pissed that he wasn’t asked to do the voice of Howard in Guardians of the Galaxy? Will Howard one day be matched against Peter Quill for the affections of some hot alien woman? Does Peter Quill remember the movie Howard the Duck from when he was on Earth? How much does George Lucas resent Guardians of the Galaxy‘s success? I’m afraid we may never get these answers.

Photos: Universal Pictures