Twitter

Where to Stream:

Outbreak

THERE’S EBOLA IN NEW YORK CITY!!! Or at the very least, six people have been tested for the Ebola virus in New York City. It’s highly unlikely that any of them does have Ebola, but the word “Ebola” was used in the same sentence as the phrase, “in New York City.” So, what brought the Ebola virus back? Is it back because there’s been a lack of proper medical research on the virus or has our obsession with 1990s nostalgia gone too far? Ebola was all the rage in the mid-1990s. In 1994, everyone and their mom was reading The Hot Zone, a chilling nonfiction book about all the viruses that were going to kill us, and in 1995, a bunch of random movie stars joined forces for the Wolfgang Peterson virus blockbuster, Outbreak.

Now that Ebola’s back, it’s time to bring Outbreak back. The 19-year-old film about a really bad flesh-eating flu tackles all your burning questions about surviving an Ebola epidemic. Like, how can we save ourselves from this dangerous flesh-eating virus? What can we expect from our US military? Will they help us or try to kill us? How will Ebola affect fashion, science and our love lives? Do we believe that Dustin Hoffman can be a hero? Why is there a helicopter chase scene? And finally, was Kevin Spacey creepier in the 1990s than he is on House of Cards? Let’s find out!

0:05 – #NotAllMen

9:31 – How am I supposed to care about the dissolution of Rene Russo and Dustin Hoffman’s implausible marriage without even knowing what they were like as a couple? And how am I supposed to care WHEN THERE’S EBOLA IN NEW YORK CITY?

11:45 – What’s more creepy? Kevin Spacey in the mid-1990s? OR EBOLA IN NEW YORK CITY?

24:32 – Hey New Yorkers, the hip look for fall is going to be a Michelin man suit covered in duct tape. If you’re really cool, Kevin Spacey will tape you up while he looks gently into your eyes. DID YOU KNOW THERE MIGHT BE EBOLA IN NEW YORK CITY?

26:39 – Does the virus look like a crooked penis to you? Because it looks like a crooked penis to me. Are viruses like Rorshach tests? Why do I think the world will be destroyed by a penis-shaped virus? Is because I worry about the patriarchy? WHEN WILL THEY TELL US IF THERE’S EBOLA IN NEW YORK CITY?

30:37 – Who’s the biggest star in this film? Dustin Hoffman? Morgan Freeman? Rene Russo? Cuba Gooding, Jr? Patrick Dempsey? No. It’s none of these wastrels. The biggest star in Outbreak is Marcel, the monkey from Friends.

31:50 – Filmmaking is all about telling a story with visuals and great directing is letting Dustin Hoffman angrily monologue to rubber suits.

35:53 – LOL Patrick Dempsey’s annoying goth stereotype just swallowed diseased monkey spit and then he flew to Boston and made out with his basic girlfriend. LOL we’re all going to die. EBOLA MIGHT BE IN NEW YORK.

36:49 – This is the moment where the movie turned into a comedy. Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. It’s so terrifying that it’s hilarious.

46:50 – And then…somewhere in the middle of the Rockies, Donald Sutherland tries to manipulate the whole situation in order to give himself power. You guys, is this the backstory of The Hunger Games? Is this how President Snow takes over everything? Because if Outbreak is a prequel to The Hunger Games, I am suddenly way more interested in this movie. You know what I’m more interested in? WHETHER OR NOT THERE’S EBOLA IN NEW YORK.

59:12 – The military is threatening to shoot a family for trying to leave a quarantine town, and this little girl thinks it’s funnier than Despicable Me.

1:07:43 – Oh, that might be a problem.

1:16:46 – Oh, it was a problem. Fun fact: I have that same shade of pink eyeshadow, but when I wear it, I look less like a person dying from a fictional virus inspired by Ebola and more like a woman who doesn’t know what color eyeshadow she should wear.

1:24:28 – I’m surprised that Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding, Jr. are in a helicopter right now, too.

1:30:00 – Dustin Hoffman: Inaction Hero

1:32:32 – Man, this monkey sleeps around.

1:39:54 – The fate of the world depends on whether or not a little girl can feed an apple to a monkey. High stakes!

1:43:53 – This is what Dustin Hoffman’s face looks like when he says, “Fuck you.” Scared? I’M SCARED THERE MIGHT BE EBOLA IN NEW YORK!

1:45:43 – 1) This is the safest helicopter dogfight in the history of cinema. No one got hurt. 2) This is exactly what it looks like when I drive my mom around town. She just can’t handle any ride that’s over 37 mph.

1:50:22 – Remember how Rene Russo and Dustin Hoffman were ending their implausible marriage? Well, he saw her looking like this and now he loves her again. Maybe if I get Ebola, Dustin Hoffman will fall in love with me, too. I HOPE THERE’S EBOLA IN NEW YORK! I’VE GOT TO MARRY DUSTIN HOFFMAN! Ebola may or may not be in New York City, but if you want Outbreak in your home, you can find out where to stream it at GoWatchIt.