I See Bad Movies: Ranking M. Night Shyamalan’s From Crappy To Crappiest

An authority no less than Quentin Tarantino labeled this 2000 superhero origin story Unbreakable as “one of the masterpieces of our time.” We wouldn’t go that far, exactly, but this film can certainly be considered as underrated without any fear of entering hyperbole territory. It’s marred a bit by some pacing issues—it’s a very slow burn—and the fact that the movie ends just as it is about to get really interesting, but there’s little sense arguing that this is the least crappy of all of Manoj Night Shyamalan’s efforts.

We still have fond memories of the very first time we saw The Sixth Sense, which opened 15 years ago today (!). Of course, we’re talking about THAT TWIST, which blew EVERYONE’S mind (don’t say you saw it coming, because we know you didn’t). However, much like a gallon of milk that’s been left outside on a hot summer day, the film has not aged well. Once you know the twist, it’s game over; the movie doesn’t hold up under repeated viewings. If critics had a do-over, we suspect that the film’s 85% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes would not hold up, either.

This is another film that hasn’t aged well, but not because of any plot holes or flaws with its twist reveal. Rather, it’s because it stars the now irreparably tarnished Mel Gibson (who, if we’re being fair, is actually pretty terrific in his role as a grief-wracked father who experiences a crisis of belief). If you’re able to look past the MEL-tdown, though (and also all of the fairly heavy-handed religious parables), there are some genuine scares (see above) and laughs (see above) in the film that make it a decent watch. Actually, now that we think about it, pretty much all you need to see is Joaquin Phoenix say “Vamanos!” over and over again. You can probs skip the rest of the movie.

Things really started to go pear-shaped for Manoj with The Village, a movie about a Quaker-like society who dared not venture too far out into the woods because MONSTERS. Or something. Adrien Brody and Bryce Dallas Howard each give laughable performances as the village idiot and a blind ginger, respectively, and you can see Joaquin Phoenix losing faith in his director with every passing scene. The “creatures” are pretty cool, though.

Make no bones about it, this is a horrible, horrible movie. There’s no other way to describe The Happening than to say that it is awful from start to finish. From a casting perspective, The Happening makes The Village look like King Arthur. However, if viewed under the proper circumstances, one could make the argument that it veers, wholly unintentionally, into “so bad it’s good” territory. We only advise watching this film if you live in a state where marijuana is legal.

Made in 1998 before he discovered The Twist, Wide Awake earned a 22% “Top Critics” Rotten Tomatoes rating. It’s a clunky tale about a fifth grader who’s looking for love God in all the wrong places, and stars the likes of Rosie O’Donnell and Dana Delaney. You know, the same pair who starred in Exit To Eden? YIPES.

The Last Airbender, an adaptation of a Nickelodeon cartoon, is the film that rightly landed Manoj in Movie Jail™. Scoring a miserable 6% fresh rating from Rotten Tomatoes, this diarrhea-fest swept the 2010 Golden Raspberry Awards, and shouldn’t be seen by anyone, regardless of age. One of a rare breed of Franchise Killers (see also: The Golden Compass), there’s nothing redeeming we can say about this film except that no one can force us to ever watch it again.

After being sentenced to Movie Jail™, Manoj was curiously granted parole and promptly given a $130 million budget to make a sci-fi epic called After Earth (starring arguably the world’s biggest movie star, Will Smith) as a reward. That’s like giving the keys to your brand new Porsche to your buddy who just got out of A.A. meeting and asking him to run up to the liquor store to pick you up a few fifths. Well, as Matt Patches argued over at Vulture, the movie was basically one long paean to Scientology, which wouldn’t have been so bad if the acting, directing, script, and special effects weren’t all atrocious. #BADIDEAJEANS

There is nary a redeeming quality we can think of about The Lady In The Water. Among the myriad offenses this film offers are: multiple scenes of Paul Giamatti standing around in soaking wet clothes, casting Bryce Dallas Howard as your leading lady, a CGI dog made out of grass, and the tone deaf decision by M. Night to cast himself as a “film critic.” But what’s it about? Don’t even ask. Here is a sentence from Wikipedia about it: “Reggie’s gaze, capable of compelling the Scrunt to slowly retreat, is distracted by the cry of the Great Eatlon, a giant eagle who will ferry Story home. When Reggie breaks eye contact, the Scrunt leaps, but the Tartutic arrive and drag it away.” UM SAY WHAT AGAIN OOPS I MEAN NO THANKS K PLEASE BAIIIII! And as if all that weren’t bad enough, here’s what Joey Fatone wore to the premiere…