Twitter

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are returning to the big screen this weekend with a new movie and new style. Everyone has their personal favorite turtle, but which one of these heroes in a half shell is the biggest hottie?

Leonardo

What Makes Him Hot: Leonardo is the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which means he has the most power, and power is sexy. He’s also brave and loyal, which are great qualities in a husband. Leonardo also has the best weapons: two long katanas. Double the swords and double the badassness.

What Makes Him Not Hot: He’s kind of boring because he feels the need to be the “responsible one.” He isn’t that good-looking because he’s an anthropomorphic turtle. Also, he’s a teenager, which means it would be illegal to date him.

Raphael

What Makes Him Hot: Raphael is the brooding, sarcastic “bad boy” of the group, and that’s always hot. He’s aggressive and always down for a good fight. Did we say Leonardo has the best weapons? We were lying. Raphael has the best weapons: two sai. They’re like sexy, angry forks you can fight people with.

What Makes Him Not Hot: He’s kind of an asshole who always wants to get into a fight. That’s not cool, dude! He isn’t that good-looking because he’s an anthropomorphic turtle. Also, he’s a teenager, which means it would be illegal to date him.

Michelangelo

What Makes Him Hot: Michelangelo is the funny one, and it’s always sexy when a guy can make you laugh. He also loves pizza, so you know that he’ll always wine and dine you. Well, at least, he’ll feed you. Michelangelo is also the most fun and laid-back Turtle and that’s nice. His weapons are okay.

What Makes Him Not Hot: He says “Cowabunga” a lot because he’s kind of a stupid idiot. He isn’t that good-looking because he’s an anthropomorphic turtle. Also, he’s a teenager, which means it would be illegal to date him.

Donatello

What Makes Him Hot: Donatello is the brains of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and being smart is sexy. He’s also the nicest, gentlest turtle and dislikes violence. He’s basically the one that you could settle down with in a nice suburban house to raise a family together.

What Makes Him Not Hot: He’s a little bit too nice. Like, a bo staff? How lame. He isn’t that good-looking because he’s an anthropomorphic turtle. Also, he’s a teenager, which means it would be illegal to date him.

So Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Is The Hottest?

None of them, because they’re TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. Every part of that phrase is a dealbreaker. You can’t date a turtle because that would be bestiality. Hooking up with a ninja is bad news because they are dangerous. Mutants are mutants. However, the biggest turn-off about all four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is that they are underage. Even if you wanted to argue that they are 18 or 19, that still puts them at a really immature and very unattractive age.

So, basically none of them are hot. (Except Raphael. He’s kind of hot.)

To see where you can stream the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, visit GoWatchIt.

Photos Courtesy of the Everett Collection