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Sometimes it’s easy to forget that, before we began to live every week like it was Shark Week to honor Tracy Jordan, the Discovery Channel event existed to commemorate the deadly creatures. And, amid the celebration, we lost sight of the danger of the titular creatures. But sharks are still the kings of the underwater food chain, and they’re still ready to bite — at least in the movies. Thankfully, we’ve got you covered with a definitive ranking of film and TV’s sharks, from the ones you can trust to help you move into a new apartment to the ones that’ll make you think twice about that beach vacation. Starting with the friendliest and working our way down to the most deadly, check out Decider’s Fin-al Countdown.
Jabberjaw, ‘Jabberjaw’ (1976)
Facing stiff competition, Jabberjaw might be the silliest Hanna-Barbera cartoon of the ‘70s. A blubbering anthropomorphic shark plays in a band with kids who take on bad guys in places with names like Aqualand — basically Scooby-Doo with fish? No one should be surprised the guy gets no respect.
Lenny, ‘Shark Tale’ (2004)
The real hero of this one is the sensitive, vegetarian shark played by Jack Black. Lenny is a sweetie, struggling with standing up to his mob boss father—even disguising himself as a harmless dolphin instead of proclaiming his sharkitude. See where you can watch Shark Tale on GoWatchIt.
The Street Sharks, ‘Street Sharks’ (1994)
The Street Sharks might spend their time fighting monsters, but they’re not going to attack any innocent bystanders. Besides, those radical-dudes-turned-totally-extreme-sharks are just way too ‘90s to pose a plausible threat to anyone in 2014.
The Mechanical Shark. ‘Bob's Burgers’ (2012)
Even inanimate sharks can be threatening — in “The Deepening,” the prop from an old shark movie terrorizes a beach town, destroying streets and buildings until it’s stopped by frozen yogurt. At least it finds a true friend in everyone’s favorite erotic friend-fiction writer, Tina Belcher. Watch “The Deepening” on Netflix.
Bruce. 'Finding Nemo' (2003)
Fish are not friends. They are food. If you encounter Bruce, be safe and just keep swimming. See where you can stream Finding Nemo on GoWatchIt.
The Dharma Shark. 'Lost'
It’s no polar bear, but the Dharma Initiative’s shark still menaces Sawyer and Michael in the waters surrounding The Island. And the show’s creators nicknamed it Edward James Sharkington, which suggests that maybe its got a secret top hat and monocle. Stream Lost on Netflix.
Mega Shark, 'Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus'
This unfairly fun, bloated beast also happens to include enormous fighting prehistoric creatures. Mega Shark is a serious threat to humanity, but it’s also too busy fighting the giant octopus to do that much damage. See where you can stream Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus on GoWatchIt.
Jaws, 'Jaws'
The nastiest fish in the sea, the origin of our current cultural obsession with sharks. Do we need to say anything else? Grab the popcorn, hide under a blanket, and get a bigger boat. See where you can stream Jaws on GoWatchIt.
Mako Shark, ‘Deep Blue Sea’ (1999)
Why do the creatures from Deep Blue Sea beat out the granddaddy of all sharks? First, it’s because there are three of them. They have increased brainpower; capable of executing coordinated, intelligent shark attacks. And of course, any beast that can take on Samuel L. Jackson is a force to be reckoned with. See where you can stream Deep Blue Sea on GoWatchIt.
Land Shark, ‘Saturday Night Live’ (1975)
The most dangerous of all sharks, you’ll never even seen Chevy Chase’s Land Shark coming. Any knock on the door — a plumber, flowers, or even a telegram — could be the one that signals the shark coming to eat you, and you don’t even have to be in the water. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
