‘The Walking Dead’ Recap: She Sells Sanctuary

You guys! The Walking Dead, the most popular show on Sunday nights that doesn’t involve grown men with extremely tight pants chasing each other around, is back. Last night’s episode, “No Sanctuary,” was the very first of Season 5. Which reminds us: Where did we leave things at the end of Season 4, anyway? Oh yeah…

PREVIOUSLY ON THE WALKING DEAD!

Our band of merry travelers finally arrived at Terminus, only to discover that soylent green is people! (Also, they got locked in train cars, which is nowhere near as fun as the cartoon hobos from our childhood made it seem.)

This episode starts off with an ominous title card … THEN! Moments later, after some unspeakably creepy moments occur within a train car, we get … NOW! Sadly, the music supervisor did not think to score this scene with “That Was Then, This Is Now.” We really could have used some vintage Mickey Dolenz before the atrocities began piling up this season.

“NOW” we’re back in the train car with Rick, Michonne and the other Walking Deadheads, who have been trapped there since last season. As you can see, it’s a looooooong way from those carefree days back at West Beverly. Wonder what Mrs. Teasley is up to, anyways?

There’s no time for nostalgia, though. After severely botching a breakout attempt, Rick, Glenn, Daryl, Bob and some other Deadheads are taken to the kind of butchery that would make Temple Grandin shudder in her boots. Slim Shady, in particular, does not look jazzed to be lined up at the trough.

And he was right to feel that way. A swing of a metal bat—how come these guys don’t have any respect for a nice, old-fashioned, ash wood Louisville Slugger?—and a slice of the throat later, Slim Shady and three of his pals from Train Car D are set to be reduced, reused and recycled. However, a well-timed burst of gunshots and a mysterious explosion keep our Deadheads from being next. Meanwhile…

It’s not easy being a Tigers fan south of the Mason/Dixon line. Carol, Tyreese and Baby Grimes stumble upon this Verlander wannabe setting up some fireworks in the middle of the woods, while he’s discussing his evil plans to get his hands on Glenn’s lid. Big mistake!

Just because the world has gone to hell doesn’t mean there isn’t time to treat yourself to a nice makeover every now and then. Carol knows this, and that’s why she’s a survivor. Find yourself a new cloak, smear some zombie blood on it—it’s the “in” look this season!—and make yourself a literal mud mask. There, don’t you feel much better?

You know what else makes us feel better? ZOMBIESPLOSIONS!

For all of the dark, depressing awfulness that humans do onto other humans (let alone walkers), occasionally the show will give us a kickass zombiesplosion. THIS is why we keep watching, and also a great tieback to that initial explosion that saved our Deadheads from getting Teixeira’d.

However, just moments later, we get this nightmare shot. Um, at least they’re dry-aging it?

While Rick and the other Deadheads are working their way out of the nightmare factory (literally?) that is Terminus, Carol, sporting her finest Walker Chic look, stumbles into a room filled with teddy bears (!) and watches. We don’t use AMC Story Sync, but we can only assume that if we did, Christopher Walken would have a story for each and everyone of these watches.

Carol isn’t alone in the Terminus Lost & Found warehouse, though. The proprietor of the Yankee Candle Company is also around, and man! This lady won’t stop going on about the good ole days at the Terminus Outlet Mall, back when it was a sanctuary and before you had all those rapes and murders and having to choose between being a butcher and the cattle to deal with. She also explains that there is a no refund policy on these candles, which was sort of weird, but you can’t really blame her. It’s hard out there for small business owners!

Meanwhile, back at the Love Shack—Tin roof … RUSTED!—Tyreese saved Baby Grimes after fighting both that awful Detroit Tigers fan and a handful of walkers. They say that walkers have a tough time making decisions about what to do with their lives and, as you can see, this one is really on the fence.

Back at Terminus in another poorly lit train car, the fate of the human race is in the hands of Billy Ray Cyrus, who makes jokes about the X-Box “red ring of death” and explains that the Human Genome Project started this whole nightmare (something something pathogenic microorganisms something something). Fortunately, Rick is armed with an AK-47 and a healthy amount of aggression, and he springs the whole gang. From there, everyone reunites at the Love Shack—if you see a faded sign by the side of the railroad, it says 15 miles to Terminus—and we’re onto next week. Almost, that is…

He’s baaaa-aaaaaaack! (The pimp from Hung, we mean.)

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