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You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Wait. The Mysteries of Laura airs on Wednesday nights. How can I be reading a recap of it on Wednesday afternoon?” Well, my friends, that’s because this is a precap. I have not seen The Mysteries of Laura, and I have no intention of doing so. But apparently a lot of people watch this show, so we decided it’d be a good thing to write about. So here, I shall guess what happens on this week’s episode based solely on the promotional images provided by NBC.

Detective Laura Diamond breezes into the office hoping for an easy-going day of no crime, as she’s trying to break in a new pair of jeans with awkwardly high pockets. Unfortunately, her captain / ex-husband (the thing about shitting where you eat is that there are always so many leftovers) Jake comes over and says, “Hey, did you remember to pick up the birthday card for Billy? Also there is a new mystery today, we can’t decide if this tenant has terminal cancer or if he is just renting space in an airport, so I’m going to need you to get right to work!” Laura is like, “Aw shucks, I really can’t have it all, can I?”

“Here,” Laura tells Billy. “This is from the whole team. We put a lot of thought into it and I definitely did not just buy it from Duane Reade.” Laura then crosses “buy birthday card” off the to-do list, which is sandwiched between “solve mystery” and “feed kids.”

Billy introduces Laura to a eyewitness to the terminal tenant, who is also unable to decide if he is dying or just renting. Laura, meanwhile, has never seen an Asian man before, and she is quite baffled.

Laura invites her boss / ex-husband over for dinner with the kids, for which she ordered take-out. “Kids,” she says, “this is called ‘Chinese food.’ I know, I don’t get it either, but we’re all going to try something new together. Also, be careful when you eat this cookie. I know it doesn’t look like a cookie, but here’s the really crazy thing: there is paper inside of it.”

Meredith goes rollerblading at the beach, and in a shocking twist, she chooses to store her bag in a square-sized locker with the holes in it instead of a blue rectangular locker.

Out of nowhere, Jake runs down the beach chasing a guy with gross hair, who nearly tackles some Asian schoolgirls (rough week for Asians gathering on the… sunny beaches of New York City?).

After Jack and this mysterious man roll around in the sand for a little bit in a completely heterosexual way, Meredith catches up with them. Meredith and Jack soon realize that this man is, in fact, the terminal tenant, and he is actually not renting space in an airport but rather the basement of a beach house. He’s paying his rent by fixing up the property, but he admits that he’s been a little blue since he found out that he is dying.

And then he explodes! Jack is very sad, he thought he could save him, but there’s nothing much you can do when your time is up. It really puts things into perspective for Jack: the ticking of the clock, the changing of the seasons. Did he take his relationship with Laura for granted? Was working alongside his wife a bad idea? Maybe he should have paid more attention to her. Cooked her more meals. Enrolled her in diversity workshops. Understood that as a working mother the cards are stacked up against her in ways he’ll never full understand. What would she be doing right now? How would she react to an exploding man? Jack falls to his knees, vowing to make more of an effort around the precinct and around the house — that is, if Laura will take him back. But that is a mystery of Laura for another episode!

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Photos: NBC