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It’s tough times for Elsa’s freak show, as there’s a madman running around town murdering people, which doesn’t look very good when your business involves parading “human oddities” around on stage for the delight of normal folks. It’s obvious that she’s in a niche market, but I’m not sure how Elsa can get out of this pickle. After all, she’s being shaken down by the cops (although one of her employees did murder one of them, so it’s not like it’s unwarranted), and the town is issuing a curfew as people keep disappearing. What is Elsa going to do? Run a matinee? How déclassé.

A possible pair of saviors show up in the form of a strongman named Dell Toledo (Michael Chicklis) and his lady friend, Desiree (Angela Bassett, thank God), who has three breasts. (Was this whole thing just some viral marketing for this show? Do you have a better theory?) she’s also a hermaphrodite, which raises two issues: first of all, huh? (Next season this show might be called, American Horror Story: The Fuck?) secondly, I want to remain sensitive and politically correct, but I’m so exhausted by this show already, and it’s very early in the day, so I’m just going to use “hermaphrodite” for Angela Bassett’s character. Please forgive me, or call me a transphobic monster in the comments. But remember we’re talking about a woman with three breasts played by Angela Bassett.

Meanwhile, Dandy Mott and his mother have a wonderfully awkward dinner of escargot lovingly prepared by Patti LaBelle (I dunno, you guys), who I imagine will spend a lot of time throwing “white people are crazy” looks. Dandy is full of ennui on account of how stifling it is to grow up super rich and bored, and this is before Molly or Bling Ringing or Instagram, so his mother struggles with finding something that will fulfill him. When she’s out on a jaunty little drive in the Rolls, she drives by our new favorite evil clown, who has been beheading twinks all over town. Naturally, she thinks bringing a dirty monster clown over for a playdate is a great idea.

Of course, Dandy just puts on a puppet show and gets real pissy that the clown doesn’t like to do any tricks other than decapitation; he sneaks a peak in the clown’s bag, presumably finding an errant head, and he’s pretty chill with it. The clown hits him on the head with a bowling pin and strolls back to his school bus of horrors out in the woods, where he’s keeping a teenage girl and a little boy captive. They nearly escape his clutches, but when the girl runs into the thick of the woods screaming she encounters Dandy, who is like, “Ugh, I want to do murder, too!” and takes her back to the clown. All of this because he couldn’t audition for the freak show! This is what happens when you squash the dreams of rich people. There’s a reason we continue to give the Kardashians attention. Otherwise, they would murder all of us. (This also explains the Mara sisters’ acting careers.)

Speaking of the talent, the conjoined sisters decide to audition for a part in Elsa’s floor show. First Blue Headband, the one on stage left who is the nice twin, shows she’s a pretty crappy singer. In a twisty little twist, as is Ryan Murphy’s wont, Brown Headband, the very sour one, turns out to be a great singer. Do you think this might cause strife in the relationship of these conjoined twin sisters? Kinda makes you think about how they are so similar yet so different, huh.

Because he’s suddenly some great social justice blogger or something, Jimmy Darling takes a group of the freaks to the local diner for a sit-in / “we’re here, we’re queer” kind of demonstration, which makes people very uncomfy. Dell happens to be right outside (it is a small town, after all) (yet somehow no one has noticed the seven-foot-tall woman), and he starts yelling at Jimmy about how they need to stay at the camp. He then beats the shit out of Jimmy on the street as the freaks watch. It’s all very bad scene, everyone’s fault, but the real juicy thing is that Dell used to be involved with Ethel Darling, the bearded lady, and maybe he’s Jimmy’s father? Also, he has a thing for fucking around with gender, which I appreciate on a show (I would probably appreciate it more if it wasn’t a show full of extremities, but what can you do).

Soon it is time for the show, and the conjoined twins make their singing debut by singing “Criminal” by Fiona Apple, because now this show is just Moulin Rouge. Blue Headband is quite surprised with how great and sexy her sister is on stage, and while she’s quite good at providing harmony, you can tell she’s not too proud of her sis. And neither is Elsa, who can’t help but notice the mosh pit (the mosh pit) that starts up just below the stage with all of the town’s menfolk. No one is moshing to Elsa’s David Bowie covers, and that makes her jealous.

This scene was my favorite because it gave us a lot of C A M E R A W O R K and S T A R I N G:

Also, Dell frames one of the geeks for murdering the cop, and he (it?) is thrown in jail, only to be attacked by the rest of the prisoners. I’m so grateful we’ve gotten some commentary about the American criminal justice system, but still no one has answered my questions about geekdom, and whether or not the desire to bite the heads off chickens is in fact learned behavior or something you are born with? (My mistake for looking to this show for answers about anything.)

Later that night, Elsa visits the twins room and starts whispering in the ear of Blue Headband, saying stuff like, “Man, sucks your sister is the talented one and she doesn’t even want it, kinda crazy if you think about it right? Have you ever thought about murdering her?” Then she hands her a razor blade. It’s a very classic Ryan Murphy scene: he gives us a perfect, interesting set-up (sibling rivalry played out with conjoined twins) even if it’s a little obvious (oh, so you’re saying that the twins can’t stand each other but they can’t even go sulk off by themselves for a while like normal people? Got it). But just in case you don’t get it, don’t feel bad, because this show will explain it out as clearly as possible. After all, Ryan Murphy knows you don’t want to think. You just want to see some intense fingerbanging, killer clowns, and anachronistic musical numbers! You’re welcome, America.

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Photos: FX Networks