‘The Walking Dead’ Recap: A Man’s Gotta Eat

Last week, the Season 5 premiere of The Walking Dead scored record ratings. Which reminds us, where did we leave things off last week?

PREVIOUSLY ON THE WALKING DEAD!

Oh yeah, that’s right, ZOMBIESPLOSIONS!

This week’s episode, “Strangers,” opens with Rick and the rest of the Walking Deadheads traveling through the woods after burning down the Terminus Outlet Mall. Glenn is still understandably a bit shell-shocked after nearly having his brains smashed in by a guy with a metal baseball bat, which means that his desire to french Maggie hasn’t yet returned. Meanwhile, Sheriff Rick and Tara, who you’ll remember as once being BFFs with The Governor, settled their beef like a couple of bros at a sports bar by pounding it out.

Don’t get too cocky yet, Tara. You haven’t learned the secret handshake!

Tara’s not the only new Deadhead with her eyes on the prize. Abraham, aka Steve Sanders’ best friend, ominously warns/promises Rosita after seeing Michonne go HAM on a zombie that “This is why we’re waitng for our moment.” A moment which, presumably, would come after he gets a touchup of red hair dye.

Back at the campground, Rick and Carol have a brief tete-a-tete to make sure they’re on the same page that went a little something like this:
Rick: “Yeah, you saved my life but you also set those kids on fire.”
Carol: “Yeah, but the important thing to remember here is that I saved your life. Oh, and here’s a watch.”
Rick: “We cool.”

Besides, there are bigger fish to fry. Someone—or someTHING—is watching them from the woods! Dollars to doughnuts it’s this guy.

Flash-forward to daytime. It’s a pleasant day in the woods on the outskirts of Atlanta. The birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and our friends have woken from a nice slumber. (Hard to tell if Glenn and Maggie got it on overnight.) However, the gang’s stroll is interrupted by a man screaming “HELP!” at the top of his lungs. Not just any man, either. A priest! (Too soon to tell if he’d make our Hot Priests countdown.)

It’s not just any priest, though, guys! It’s yet another alumnae from The Wire. Say hello to Detective Carver. He explains that he’s unarmed, that the only protection he needs is the word of the Lord, and also that he’s a sinner, but in a frustrating twist, refuses to confess them to anyone other than Yahweh. We have a sneaking suspicion that Father Gabriel is hiding something.

After avoiding becoming an early brunch for a couple of hipster walkers, Father Gabriel takes the Deadheads back his church, a clapboard building located in the middle of nowhere. There appear to be no roads that lead to this church, nor any parking lot; it’s just a church in the middle of the woods. Not sketchy at all! A church called St. Sarah’s, no less!! (If you’ll recall, Sarah was allegedly the illegitimate daughter of JC and Mary Magdalene.)

After an quick exploration of St. Sarah’s Church of Priests of Ill Repute, which turned up little more than some journals (burn books?) and a bunch of tin cans, a few Deadheads decide to head into town to see if they can scare up some grub at the local food bank, the only place Father Gabriel has refused to loot thus far. Along the way, Bob (another Wire vet!) gives Rick a pep talk about how “nightmares end” and how “you can’t fight City Hall” and how Washington is gonna be the bee’s knees. Rick, being Rick, of course is super skeptical. Speaking of which, this raises a philosophical question.

Would Rick see these water jugs as half full or half empty?

The food bank smells bad, real bad. Bob, who is turning out to be quite the wordsmith, describes it as such: “If a sewer could puke, this is what it would smell like.” Rick, being Rick, takes that as a challenge and orders our friendly Deadheads down into the sewer of zombie puke. There’s one zombie in particular—she’s sporting some serious cat-eye glasses, which makes her kind of look like someone who dressed up as a sexy librarian for Halloween—who has the hots for Father Gabriel. Smile for the camera, sunshine!

Rick surmises that Cat Lady Zombie and Father Gabriel had some sort of relationship before she became a Walker, but Father Gabriel keeps his lips zipped. Carl, being the inquisitive lil fella that he is, also digs up some more info on our Priest with the Least while they’re making a run at the food bank.

See, we weren’t the only ones concerned about St. Sarah’s lack of a parking lot!

Fast forward to nighttime, where the (not so holy) wine is flowing (“The wine’s just wine until it’s blessed,” says Father G). Propelled by a bit of liquid courage, Abraham makes a rousing speech about how he’s tired of Georgia and wants to move everyone to Washington D.C. Perhaps buzzing on communion wine, Rick … concurs that this is a good idea?!? Fire up some “Holiday Road,” you guys!

Carol, meanwhile, is fixing to perhaps drive off into the sunset nighttime herself. Daryl stops her, though, only for both of them to witness a Chrysler barreling down the road at a high rate of speed. Car chase time!

Oh, and that leaves Bob. For some reason, he decides to leave the cozy confines of St. Sarah’s to go outside to have himself a good cry. Why he would do this by himself AND at nighttime, we’ll never quite know. All we can be certain of is this: He’s going to regret his decision, and also regret learning that he “tastes much better than [the Terminus gang] thought he would.”

Yes, that’s right, in a long voiceover we learn that those jerks from the Terminus Outlet Mall are back to their people-eating ways. Now save some of that foot for the rest of us, you savages!

See you next week!

PS: THIS!