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You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Wait. The Mysteries of Laura airs on Wednesday nights. How can I be reading a recap of it on Wednesday afternoon?” Well, my friends, that’s because this is a precap. I have not seen The Mysteries of Laura, and I have no intention of doing so. But apparently a lot of people watch this show, so we decided it’d be a good thing to write about. So here, I shall guess what happens on this week’s episode based solely on the promotional images provided by NBC.

Detective Laura Diamond is visited by her buddy Max Carnegie, who is very grumpy because the most comfortable chair in her home is occupied by Fozzie Bear. But Max lets it slide because he has important news for Laura: there’s a new mystery! Yes, it is New York Fashion Week, and someone has died on the runway. Yes, Laura’s dream has finally come true: she’s going to join the Fashion Police! (RIP Joan Rivers.)

Laura meets with fashion designer Tré Semée to pick out a gown to wear on the runway that will look natural and also hide her handgun. Tré repeatedly insults her for being “too fat,” and Laura replies, “What? But I have two kids and I’m a working mom and I’m divorcing my husband who is also my co-worker and, ACK, why can’t I have it all?!” After eating some chocolate and calming down, Laura tries on Spanx for the first time, and she says, “I haven’t tried Spanx since that time I went undercover at Scores, ha ha ha ha, get it?”

Back at home, Laura’s soon-to-be-ex and co-worker Jake is grumpy because Laura suddenly gets to have a fun mystery and he has to deal with their twin sons again. (He hung out with them LAST WEEK, how much fathering can one guy expect to do? Why can’t Jake have it all?) Luckily, he finds a stack of parenting books in Laura’s bedroom (they have separate bedrooms now, but not separate homes) underneath a pile of cotton underwear and a prescription for Ativan. He’s learning how to handle a couple of twins who are either suffering from ADHD or possibly acting out because their home life is unsettled.

After trying on 17 dresses, Laura picks this subtle little number and does a She’s All That walk down the stairs in her brownstone. Ta-daaa! Bet you didn’t think she could look this good.

“Whoa, we had no idea you could look this good,” says Jake, Laura’s twin sons, and some surprise fashion guests including that guy who showed his penis in the Sex and the City movie and a couple of sad models who look like cast-offs from a Robert Palmer video.

“I look great!” Laura says. “I solved the mystery of looking great!” As she twirls in front of her full-length mirror, Jake quietly reminds her that there’s still a dead person at Fashion Week. “Yes, but I solved the mystery of looking great!” Laura reminds him. She then goes upstairs, eats a pint of ice cream, puts on a face mask, and passes out in her red dress. Finally, Laura has it all for a brief moment!

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Photos: NBC