‘American Horror Story: Freak Show’ Recap, Episode 3: “Edward Mordrake, Pt. 1”

A docent offers a tour of the American Morbidity Museum and, finally, American Horror Story staple Denis O’Hare shows with Emma Roberts in Sexy Velma drag. He’s trying to sell a “baby Sasquatch,” which the docent and her security guard recognize (like some freaky Antiques Roadshow experts) as a goat fetus with a cat jaw attached. But the docent offers him a deal: he can bring her an authentic specimen and she’ll pay him a lot of money. I’m not sure why she assumes that a guy who brings in home-made fake fetus and forged credentials from Harvard wouldn’t be the kind of person who’d murder a circus performer for money, but oh well!

Meanwhile, down in Florida, it’s Halloween. Ethel the bearded lady celebrates by going to the doctor and learning she has liver cancer. I really like Ethel mostly because of her accent and because her beard is so well-groomed (plus her Baltimoreish accent results in Kathy Bates saying things like “birfday”), so naturally it’s a real bummer that she only has six months to a year left.

Back at the circus, the freaks are celebrating Halloween by bobbing for apples. All of them except for Jimmy and the twins, of course, who are down in the dumps because Meep was murdered in jail. The mean twin yells at everyone for disrespecting Meep’s memory, and suggests they dedicate the show in his memory. Of course, the rest of the freaks are like, “You dummy, freaks don’t perform on Halloween” as if this is common knowledge, and luckily Ethel comes sauntering in in time to tell the story of Edward Mordrake, an English noble who had a face on the back of his head. Edward tried to murder the second face but it wouldn’t die and, naturally, Edward went mad. Of course, he escaped from an asylum and joined, as Ethel says, the “freek shew,” and later murdered all of his cast members on Halloween night.

Because Halloween is extra nuts in American Horror Story Land, any freak who performs on Halloween night summons the spirit of Edward Mordrake and his second demon face. (For a second I thought, “But aren’t we all performing, every night? How can a freak not perform on Halloween?” But then I realized that I’m reading too deeply into this nonsense and that Ryan Murphy probably isn’t invoking thoughtful performance theory on this show that now has a character with a face on the back of his head.) Ethel says that when she was with Barnum, they performed on Halloween; later, they found the “hoomen cannonbewl” hanging in his room with a smile on his face.

Over at the Mott house, Dandy and Gloria are celebrating the high holiday by throwing temper tantrums (Dandy does not want to dress like Howdy Doody) and forcing the maid, played by Patti LaBelle, to wear a Woody Woodpecker costume. (I like to imagine Aretha Franklin watching this at home thinking, “Oh, there’s no way in hell they could make me do that.”) Dandy has other plans: dressing up as a scary-ass clown.

Mean Twin has a dream that she’s having separation surgery from Boring Drip Twin, who doesn’t think the dream is very fun. (They are psychic, as you’ll recall.) Not since Garth Brooks wore that black and white shirt has pop culture seen such a staggering example of the duality of human nature! We’re dealing with some real geniuses here!

After Meep’s funeral, a cab rolls up carrying a newly blonde Emma Roberts, who introducers herself as a psychic named Esmerelda who is looking for a job. She pulls out a crystal ball for Elsa, who is high as hell on opium (first rule of getting your fortune told: you should definitely be sober). Esmerelda starts spinning some tale about how Elsa was suffered a great wrong in her past (when one encounters a German woman running a freak show in South Florida in 1950, one might naturally assume that woman had suffered a great wrong). Esmerelda tells Elsa that she still has a shot at fame and fortune despite the fact that there’s already one Marlene Dietrich. She also fortells of a handsome stranger who will make her a star, and Elsa is like, “Sold!”

In their camper, Dell and Desiree get their Halloween freak on which culminates in Dell getting a disappointing over-the-pants hand job. He can’t get off, which frustrates Desiree. Trouble in paradise, huh? Can’t everyone just give and get hand jobs in peace? (These are adults I’m talking about, not high school students.)

Ethel’s hitting the booze because she’s like, “Welp, I’m gonna die anyway,” and she gets real sassy with Dell. But then they share some hooch and talk about the old times, like when they boned and Dell got Ethel pregnant with Jimmy. Ethel reveals that she’s dying and that she needs Dell to look out for Jimmy, as he doesn’t have a strong male role model in the circus circuit.

Soon enough it’s Halloween night, so Ryan Murphy pulls out from his horror movie reference bag a long POV-shot of Dandy wandering out his house in his freshly made clown suit a la the young Michael Myers in John Carpenter’s Halloween, because this show wouldn’t be this show if it didn’t reward you for recognizing the most basic cinematic homages. Dandy goes into the kitchen to spook Patti LaBelle, who is like, “Go ahead and kill me, white boy,” but he can’t go through with it.

The twins meet Esmerelda and the mean one is immediately like, “YOU WHORE,” because she is terrible at making friends. It definitely shakes up Esmerelda, who calls Denis O’Hare to say she doesn’t feel super comfy around all of the pinheads and such. Meanwhile, Denis O’Hare, still unnamed, is hanging out with a naked guy in a viking hat in his hotel room, who is shocked, I reckon, by the size of Denis O’Hare’s penis. (“He once wrote the phrase, ‘the size of Denis O’Hare’s penis'” will be on my tombstone.)

Back in Twisty the Clown’s world, he abducts another blond twink, this time right in front of his little sister. Twisty could really go to town up in Hell’s Kitchen on Halloween, where Jessica Lange wouldn’t be the only person doing a slurry cover of a Lana Del Rey song.

Speaking of which, this week’s anachronistic musical number was Del Rey’s “Gods and Monsters” performed by Elsa. No feather boa will overshadow last week’s two-headed performance of “Criminal,” though, because you definitely can’t mosh to Lana. But Lana Del Rey’s moody blues certainly can muster the strength to awaken Edward Mordrake, who saunters into the tent in a Dark Shadows cape. Could he be the dark stranger that Esmerelda promised Elsa?

Over in Ethel’s room, Mordrake and his weird face show up and he does that Green Goblin in Spider-Man thing where he talks like himself and then yells at the unseen face whispering unheard things to him. Anyhoo, he is like, “OK, bearded lady, come with me,” and Ethel sobs, “But I didn’t sing Lana Del Rey, this ain’t faaaaair!” And then she tells her sad story about her relationship with Dell back in Balteemarre. It turns out that no one wanted to see a bearded lady reciting Shakespeare (but, to be fair, it was Baltimore, which is not the most sophisticated mid-Atlantic), so Dell sold tickets to the birth of Jimmy and showed off his freaky son. Ethel still feels guilty about it, and Mordrake, always a gentleman, hands her a handkerchief and decides not to take her with him.

Dandy, still dressed like a clown, goes to Twisty’s schoolbus of horrors to torment his prisoners, and discovers that Twisty has a new plaything. What horrors can we expect in the second half of this Halloween special? Will Angela Bassett don a spiky wig and do a Tina Turner number? Fingers crossed! Until then, I’ll leave you with this adorable moment of joy:

 

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Photos: FX Networks