My First Time … Watching ‘Pretty Woman’: A Whole Lotta Fashion, A Whole Lotta Attitude

That I had never seen Pretty Woman was always an admittedly silly personal source of pride. “What?????” my friends would screech at me, assuming I had somehow lived under a rock (or had gone without TBS) for most of my life. I had no real beef with the movie; it’s just the sort of thing that never appealed to me. And I felt like I knew enough about it; after all, I have seen Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, so I “got” the whole shopping sequence. Plus, I already knew who Kit is. What else did I need to experience? I felt like I understood the most important parts.

Today is Julia Roberts birthday, so for the sake of art (the “art” of blogging, that is), I decided to take one for the Decider team and finally watch the damn movie. Would I find America’s Sweetheart to be a delightful Hollywood hooker? Would Richard Gere be charming or creepy? Would I love Kit as much as I thought? Here are my thoughts below.

0:34: I love that Pretty Woman begins with some mansplaining / parlor tricks involving fake gold coins? Anyway, this lady is INTO IT.

7:57: Kit! See, I already knew who she is.

9:05: Vivian and Kit meet up at their local hang because Kit stole all of Vivian’s money out of the toilet so she could do a lot of cocaine. Unfortunately, that means Vivian has to turn more tricks than extra to pay rent. Meanwhile, Vivian saw a dead hooker get fished out of a dumpster outside, which does not exactly inspire eager hooking, now does it? (Somewhat related: “I just saw a girl pulled out of a dumpster” is a line from Taylor Swift’s forthcoming single, “Welcome to L.A.”)

12:18: In a serendipitous turn of events, Richard Gere pulls up to a corner on Hollywood Blvd., and Vivian offers him directions. Gee, maybe she’s found a solution to her rent problem?

16:28: Because she’s not the best hooker, Vivian gets out of the car as soon as Edward makes it back to his hotel. But then he casually invites her upstairs, because he is slightly better at the game.

17:13: Whenever my best friend comes to visit New York from Chicago, we play this game called “Fashion or Attitude” in which we rate outfits we encounter on the street as either “fashion” or “attitude.” Pretty Woman is the perfect movie for this game. Anyway, this look is “fashion.”

12:30: There was a woeful lack of a fart joke in this scene.

12:49: I haven’t seen this many condoms fanned out in front of another human’s face since 10th grade health class. My classmates looked as confused as Edward does.

26:30: You know, this movie makes prostitution seem like a pretty good gig? A couple hundred bucks to hang in a penthouse watching Nick at Nite and drinking tiny bottles of booze? But then I remember that I’d be the worst kind of prostitute: fussy and expensive.

36:00: This is the scene that makes Pretty Woman seem like a horror movie. Bath tub monster!

40:19: Attitude.

45:48: This movie has a lot going for it: Laura San Giacomo, Natalie Cole, a sexy Pygmalion vibe. But it also has 100% too much ’80s business chat. Who cares, you guys?

50:21: Fashion.

53:11: Ugh, what’s worse than late ’80s business? Late ’80s expensive cuisine.

58:06: Apparently Edward, in addition to being a great businessman, is a piano virtuoso. Look out, Billy Joel! Naturally, Edward and Vivian fuck on that piano.

1:02:31: “Hello, yes, can I get some Roy Orbison on the soundtrack? Thanks.”

1:04:23: Attitude.

1:07:33: Yecch! See? Sex work isn’t necessarily “sexy.”

1:09:48: The dress? Fashion. The hat? Attitude.

1:15:46: At a polo match, Edward tells his colleague (played by a smarmy Jason Alexander) that Vivian is a hooker. Back at the hotel, Vivian is pissed.

1:21:33: Vivian is a lot less pissed once she has a new dress, and then Edward presents to her a velvet box that I assume isn’t a new diaphragm.

1:26:36: I was on board and able to suspend all disbelief until the moment at which Vivian and Edward go to the opera and don’t fall asleep.

1:27:54: And this is the point when I legitimately LOLed. I love that Jason Alexander’s creepy businessman accessorizes his office with desk toys purchased from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog.

1:28:39: Meanwhile, this movie is still happening? Can you think of a worst possible date? Laying in a park in L.A. in a suit and reading aloud from a hardcover copy of Shakespearian quotes?

1:36:20: Fashion, attitude.

1:43:57: Even though I’m watching this for the first time, I already know that something bad is about to happen.

1:49:50: Vivian and her sport coat and culottes leave Edward in the hotel because she knows they can never be truly happy together. She’s a hooker, after all, and there’s always going to be some Jason Alexander in their friend group who tries to sexually assault her. So instead, she will be sad and listen to Roxette.

1:55:00: Twist! In true fairy tale fashion, Edward comes to Vivian’s dumpy apartment and calls up to her like Rapunzel’s prince. Take that, Into the Woods.

1:55:45: And thus, this rags-to-riches story comes to a happy ending. By which I mean Vivian’s gives Edward a handjob after a massage.

Final Thoughts: In terms of easy breezy romantic comedies, Pretty Woman is pretty good and inoffensive. Of course, were it to be released today, I’m sure there would be a lot of think pieces about Vivian as feminist icon / Pretty Woman as a terrible movie for women, which is how the Internet works. While it certainly doesn’t portray sex work in any realistic light (if you’re interested in an excellent book on the topic that doesn’t sugarcoat it or wrap it in hot-pink wallpaper, try Melissa Gira Grant’s Playing the Whore), it’s the kind of fluffy film that’s almost impossible to truly despise. Of course, I still feel like a failure for breaking my promise never to watch it, because now it’ll no longer be fun to surprise anyone for my purposeful lack of cultural awareness.

 

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Photos: Buena Vista