‘The Mysteries of Laura’ Precap, Season 1, Episode 9: “The Mystery of the Dysfunctional Dynasty”

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Wait. The Mysteries of Laura airs on Wednesday nights. How can I be reading a recap of it on Wednesday afternoon?” Well, my friends, that’s because this is a precap. I have not seen The Mysteries of Laura, and I have no intention of doing so. But apparently a lot of people watch this show, so we decided it’d be a good thing to write about. So here, I shall guess what happens on this week’s episode based solely on the promotional images provided by NBC.

Not to get all meta, because this precap isn’t about me, but I know I forgot to write one last week. It just slipped my mind! I thought about writing a fake recap on Thursday, because I figured ALL OF MY FANS would be desperate to know what was happening on the alternate-reality version of The Mysteries of Laura that exists only in my head (it’s called Detective Pajamajeans, by the way), but then I thought, “You know what? I can use a day off from this. I need some me time! Some time to have it all! Just like Detective Laura Diamond, mother of two, estranged wife of one, coworker of many.” But you know what’s been hard about it? I have no idea what anyone else’s name on this show is. Like these two, for example. Detective… Sally? Lieutenant Denim? I dunno. Anyway, to get back to recapping this episode, Laura’s husband / boss comes in and is like, “Hey guys, there’s a dysfunctional dynasty mystery afoot. One of you need to go with Laura to solve it.” And then Sally and Blue Jeans stare off into space and pretend to be deaf, waiting for their boss to walk away.

Alas, it’s Arizona Jeans Co. who gets the short straw and has to accompany Laura to a Catholic church to investigate the dysfunctional dynasty. Do Catholic churches have some sort of internal structural system called a Dynasty? I grew up Episcopalian, which is Catholic-lite (it’s without the guilt and the whole “this is really my blood and body” thing, because we really only love socializing and metaphors), and I remember that we had a Diocese. Is the Catholic version a Dynasty? Or is the priest somehow connected to Duck Dynasty? THAT would be a pretty good mystery.

Because Laura and Levi Strauss got there just in time for kids’ mass, they decide to listen to the sermon or whatever non-Episcopalians call it. (Do y’all do sermons? A whole lot of mysteries this week.) And it’s all about staying true to oneself and how God is great and, you know, totally typical sermon stuff. (It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, sorry.)

In the middle of the sermon, Laura gets really bummed out. “Ugh, the thing about having it all,” she laments, “is that sometimes I can’t truly have it all. Did you know that women can’t be priests? What kind of woman can have it all when she can’t even be a real member of the clergy? After all, I have really great hair and there’s no way I could cover it up with a nun’s habit. I did Nunsense once in high school and looked awful in a wimple.”

Before Detective Seven For All Mankind can stop her, Laura’s up in the pulpit shouting to the Heavens, “I’ll prove all of you wrong! I can have it all! That includes you, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost!” Pandemonium ensues, and the children in attendance rush out with glee, as the mass is officially over.

“Aww, aren’t they adorable?” Laura asks Lt. Silvertab. “Don’t they make you want kids? Like, not me, because I already have my hands full raising twins with my soon-to-be-ex-husband / boss and am already barely scraping by, even though I proved once again that I can, quite indeed, have it all. But what about you? Don’t you want kids, Jnco?” He replies with a wry smile, “No, Laura, I sill have a mystery to solve.”

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Photos: NBC