Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
As we head into Awards Season and prestige films hit our multiplexes left and right, replacing all of the silly movies about robots, aliens, and car crashes, you might start to feel like you’re in the middle of an identity crisis. Are you a real person, or are you, in fact, a character in a movie tailor-made to generate Oscar buzz? Here are ten easy ways to tell if this is real life or some production produced by Ron Howard.
You're intellectually challenged.
Hey, you might be a little slow, but that doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish great, wonderful, and impressive tasks! Some might even say you’re smarter than the folks around you. Bonus points for meeting public figures from recent history!
There's a lot of racial inequality.
Do you ever feel like life has dealt you a shitty hand, and that all your suffering, trials, and tribulations take place just so that white people can have a sense of empathy for your plight (which, in turn, makes them feel a lot better about themselves)? Or maybe you’re being followed around by a plucky young blonde lady who wants to know just everything about your life so that she can go tell everyone else about it, as you’re so busy doing housework to keep your kids fed.
You're British and you're constantly shocked and appalled.
What was that sound? I think it there was a rustling in the other room. Perhaps it was a servant? Was she… Oh my goodness, she was kissing the master? Oh, dear. That just won’t do. Between this, the fact that the lord must find a wife in order to keep the manor and its staff, and the child trying to climb over the garden walls, there’s just way too much stress going on in this house. What’s next? A lady masquerading as a gentleman valet?
All of your surroundings were made by computers.
You’re probably floating around in space, expecting to die alone in your space suit staring into the vast unknown. Or you’re flying in the atmosphere of a distant planet filled with strange foliage, bizarre animals, and an alien race that uses trees for sex.
You have to interact with Daniel Day-Lewis.
So brooding! So handsome! So mysterious! It doesn’t matter if he’s pounding you in the head with a bowling pin, speaking out against allegorical witch hunts, fighting alongside the Irish, or abolishing slavery, Daniel Day-Lewis is one cool guy we all want to hang out with, even if he looks down on all of us.
You're antagonized by the inhumanity of war.
War blows, dude.
You're afflicted with some terrible disease.
Nothing makes you more sympathetic to, well, anyone quite like an incurable, terminal disease. Cancer is, like, sooo popular right now. You have Alzheimer’s? Come sit by me! AIDS? Well, maybe sit at the other table until we’ve learned our lesson. You might as well hand out tiny packages of Kleenex right before you give your death bed monologue!
You're surrounded by your dysfunctional family members.
Has a wedding or a funeral brought all of your distant relatives back together under one roof? Ugh, don’t you wish they’d just leave you alone and so you could do your drugs in peace? Families are so annoying.
Julianne Moore is there, and she won't stop crying.
Jeez, lady! Lighten up! I know you’re sometimes really sad about being a busy mom, or about your agoraphobia, or the fact that everyone in the world but you is blind, or you’re not good at being a mom, or being a bad actress, or being a porn actress (who is also a bad mom), or married to a guy who you don’t love, or a lesbian housewife (who is also a bad mom), but there’s a lot to be happy about! (All of those Oscar nominations sure aren’t depressing!)
You're a famous dead person.
Are you a suicidal poet? A brilliant, yet disturbed, mathematician? A civil rights hero? A despicable public figure whose personal demons affected your personality and behavior, and thus we, as an audience, should have a shred of empathy? If you’re any of these people, odds are you’re in an Oscar-bait movie. But you’re still dead, so don’t get too excited.
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