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Today is the great Diane Keaton‘s 69th birthday. She’s appeared in serious cinematic masterpieces like The Godfather trilogy and frothy, fun comedies like The First Wives’ Club. However, she’s really best known as Woody Allen‘s Annie Hall. So, when she came up in conversation at Decider HQ, I had to make the uncomfortable admission that I had never seen Annie Hall. Which led to everyone I work with screaming at me, “HOW?!?!? HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ANNIE HALL?!?!?!?!”
I really don’t know how. All I can say in my defense is that each time I wanted to rent a classic Woody Allen film, my mother would wrinkle her nose at me as if to say that she’d rather I eat shit. Now, my mother is a very nice woman who would never want me to eat shit, and so, I probably took this as a sign that I shouldn’t watch too many Woody Allen films. So, I just never got around to seeing Annie Hall. And so, I finally watched Annie Hall (as a 30-year-old woman who lives in New York City and who swore off dating other writers and comedians last spring), and wow, it’s an interesting watch (when you’re a 30-year-old woman who lives in New York who spent her 20s dating almost exclusively comedians).
Oh, so every guy I dated in my 20s not-so-secretly wanted to look and dress like THIS GUY. Okay. I mean, I blame myself for going for it for so long.
“…because I turned 40.” WTF. HE’S 40? He looks like every 28-year-old guy I know. What does that mean about him as a character? He’s immature. Yes. But what does that mean about every 28-year-old guy I know? They want to be 40-year-olds in the throes of suspended maturity? I have a feeling that this film is about to be my romantic Babadook.
“I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.” YIKES. Woody Allen just argued that there was nothing wrong with him kissing a 6-year-old girl without her permission, and I guess that’s fine if you’re a 6-year-old boy (and are immediately taught about the concept of consent). However, flitting back and showing a 40-year-old Allen making this argument is creep city.
Enter Annie Hall, who in just a few moments is already exactly every cool, long-suffering girl I know.
Well, at least the women do get to point out what a fucking turd Alvy is. Not many films do that.
“Touch my heart with your foot.” I’m astonished I don’t hear this line more in real life.
Oh, this is a famous outfit. Cool.
This is the most uncomfortable seduction scene I’ve seen in my entire life. If it wasn’t for the subliminal thought subtitles, I would have no idea that these two people even like each other.
I’m a fan of any family that includes Marilla Cuthbert (aka Colleen Dewhurst) and Christopher Walken.
I already knew about this scene because I once told someone that I get crazy thoughts like this when I’m driving about how I’m so close to driving off the road and crashing into something, and so I don’t like driving because I get scared, and then they laughed at me and said I was just like Christopher Walken in Annie Hall. And then I got mad. But now I understand why they were laughing.
“Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall.”
(Sorry. Had to.)
I was completely pro-Annie until this moment. It’s a big moment that reveals precisely how immature and hopeless she is. No, I’m not complaining that she called him over to take care of a spider. Why? Because that’s clearly just an excuse for emotional intimacy. What irks me is that she doesn’t have a broom. How can anyone not have a broom?!?!? THAT IS DISGUSTING AND DISTURBING IN EQUAL MEASURE.
And now a look at two short geniuses with their tall, beautiful, trophy girlfriends. (In case you can’t tell, the guy on the right is Paul Simon.)
A wild Jeff Goldblum appears and makes my heart soar.
I know we’re supposed to see this woman as being uncool and unsympathetic, but I say she has a point! He’s a grown man! He should know how to pick up a lobster! Though, she should offer to help. That would also be the mature thing to do.
Oof. And that’s it. That was my 20s.
Final Thoughts:
I picked a really weird time in my life to watch Annie Hall. Whether we like it or not, our personal biographies do affect the way we perceive art. In my own case, I just turned 30 and realized that it’s very important to me to be a responsible adult. And I am one. This means that I pay my bills on time, keep my apartment clean and tidy, and treat other people — as well as myself — with empathy and respect. This also means that I stopped dating comedians (and actors and musicians and any other guy who labels himself as a “creative” and who never texts back and who never offers to buy a single drink and who makes everything about himself and who is actively dating other women at the same time he’s with me — boy, that happened a lot).
So, watching Annie Hall now felt like I was watching the original blueprint for all of the terrible decisions I made in my 20s. I mean, I had some good times, met some great guys, but ultimately we were all in a state of arrested development. When Allen made this film, he was creating a work of art that spoke to the casual brutality that is rampant in so many modern relationships. He was being honest about how selfish men like Alvy could be, and by extension, he was illustrating how self-destructive women like Annie are. And I think it all boiled down to maturity. When I was dating immature guys, I, too, was very immature. I didn’t just see Alvy doing some of the wretched things to Annie that were done to me, I saw Annie doing the silly and selfish things that I did under the misapprehension that I was being “cute.” I was as much a mess as the men I chose to hang around.
The thing that horrified me most, though, about watching this is that I realized that some people might not know that this is a cautionary tale. Some people might think this is how all relationships should transpire, and worse, some people might want to aspire to this. Sure, Annie’s sputtering and bad driving and quirky fashion choices are charming, and yes, Alvy has some great lines, but in no way should they be held as paradigms of romance. And honestly, their romance is not as charming as some people think it is.
That said, it is a wonderful film. I just wished I had seen it when I was 19.
[Stream Annie Hall on Netflix]
*I’ve seen Manhattan and that should count for something.
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