‘Downton Abbey’ Recap, Season Five Episode Four

Welcome back! I love mid-season Downton Abbey: all the wheels are in motion, and things start picking up speed as we roll into the second half of the season.
There are a bunch of interesting balls in the air right now: all this mishegas with the Russians, Lady Mary’s fluctuating affections for my husband, Tony Gillingham, and thank goodness we’ve finally seen that last of Ms. Bunting. Ha ha, gotcha! Someone pour me a drink.
Tales From the Crypt
At breakfast, Edith makes a totally reasonable observation about how Violet should go see her old friend Prince Kuragin (“Prince Thingamajig.” – Donk), and Violet melts Edith with raw hate waves before shutting down the conversation with, “You don’t know anything about it.”
Violet and Isobel go to visit the Russians. On foot. “We must be mad!” notes Violet. I’ll say! The Russians are staying in a crypt, which like… Oof. “Oh, Isobel,” sighs the Dowager. “I didn’t think it would be like this.” Yeah, it’s not great. Rose is spooning up soup and is very much surprised. I am also surprised, but mostly because Rose is hanging out in a crypt serving soup.

Things are pretty dark in the crypt, a sentence that, as I type it, I understand to be redundant. Kuragin is understandably down in the dumps, wondering where the man he used to be — the man who Violet met at the Winter Palace — has gone. (Spoiler alert: he is hanging out in a crypt.)

Kuragin’s wife, Irina, has been missing ever since he got out of prison. Isobel is like, “I’m sure she’s fine, keep hope alive, love finds a way,” and Violet wants none of it, parrying that “hope is a tease designed to prevent us accepting reality.” Which, to be fair, is super Russian of her. Later, Violet will enlist Shrimpy (returned from his station in Bombay) to track down Irina, which is smart and also a spinoff that I would watch in a heartbeat.
Back at the Dowager’s pad, Violet explains that, once upon a time in Russia, Kuragin asked her to run away with him, which is yet another spinoff that I would 100% watch all of without question. She turned him down, though, in favor of preserving her marriage to a husband for reasons she couldn’t even fully appreciate at the time. Violet and Isobel discuss the way English men never let on who they really are until later into a relationship — or a marriage.
This is a running theme on the show, no? Our first impressions are seldom accurate, and especially where love is concerned (Matthew, Sir Richard, even Tony). Reversals of fortune are Downton’s M.O.
Downton Molesley
Molesley gets stuck polishing some silver. How wacky! My sides hurt!
The Ongoing Courting of Isobel Crowley
Lord Merton goes to visit Isobel and is a charming old fuddy-duddy, generally. He seems awfully nervous as he shuffles up to her front door. Then things get very cute very quickly.

Merton asks Isobel to marry him, and before Isobel can cut him off at the knees (in her gentle way, as she did to Dr. Clarkson), he fires back with… Well, I’m just going to transcribe it, because it’s too sweet to be recapped.
“I’m not speaking out of loneliness, or with a view to my comfort. When men of my age marry, that’s usually the reason. But my proposal is a romantic one: I state freely and proudly, Isobel, that I’ve fallen in love with you and I want to spend what remains of my life in your company. I believe I could make you happy; at any rate, I should very much like the chance to try.”
I mean, can you even with that? I can’t. I’ve been pretty heavily Team Clarkson (would you wear this on a t-shirt?), but just like that I’m sold. Merton asks Isobel to think about it and not refuse him right off the bat, and she consents because… could you say no to that?
Obligatory Barrow Heading
Barrow is caught grabbing a spoon from the kitchen to sneak off to his room, a/nd in your head you’re like, “LOL, what is he on heroin now?” AND THEN HE IS, YES. SIGH. Later, Baxter hears him groaning alone in his room and notices a needle lying next to an open doctor’s bag.
But maybe it’s not pure H after all: Mrs. Hughes later finds a magazine lying around, and Baxter, upon snooping in it, finds an ad for some kind of… life-changing… therapy program? Is Thomas going to be an ex-gay? Is he going to go on that TLC show?
The best-case scenario here is that Thomas is actually trans and is starting to transition with black market 1920s estrogen, and that is ridiculous, so who knows what even-more-ludicrous thing is actually occurring.
Lady Edith, the Saddest Girl in the Whoooole Abbey
Edith’s gotten word from her missing boyfriend’s office that he might have last been seen in a fight with some thugs in brown shirts in Germany before he disappeared.

Yes, that’s right: he was probably killed fighting Nazis. This is both kind of delicious and also some Newsroom-level 20/20 hindsight silliness. Donk is like “Oh yes I’ve heard about this Hitler chap, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of him I’m afraid!” He assures Edith that it’ll be better to know what happened to Gregson, even if he was killed by Nazis, than to go on wondering if he’s still out there somewhere. She’s not convinced. I like Edith, leave Edith alone. In need of a little comfort, Edith goes to see Marigold, which unfortunately just seems like stalking since she’s been told by Drew to stay away. Nasty Farm Wife is like, “[Slamming a door in your face now goodbye],” so Edith leaves crying.
Proud Mary
Mary says she’s going to London to see a dress show; I don’t even know what this is a euphemism for. Oh: I guess she’s planning on letting Tony down. Which, WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? But in the meantime…

Actual Downton Abbey dress show! I am in heaven.
Mary spends some quality time with Aunt Rosamund shitting on Edith because that is her favorite pastime and she draws her life force from Edith’s misery like some kind of goddamn vampire. They run into Charles Blech Blake, and he’s hanging out with Lane Fox, and it is AWK-WARD because Lane is the girl Tony dumped for Mary. She seems like a spitfire and doesn’t stick around to make things worse. Also? I like her hat.
Mary agrees to dinner with Blaaaaaaaaaaah Blake for unknowable reasons. She tells him that she’s dumping Tony before she tells Tony, which is an awful idea. “I’ll always be fond of him,” she says. “I want him to be the godfather of my children. Just not their father.” The central mystery of this show is now what Tony Gillingham did wrong in bed to make Mary dump his gorgeous ass.
Mary does a very Mary job of letting Tony down “easy,” explaining that she thought she meant it when she said she loved him. Way to go, honey. “Am I a bad lover?” he asks, but she assures him that’s not true (obviously it is not true, he is perfect). Tony feels like this is just an issue that they can work through, and while I’d love to think he’s charming enough to pull that off, he leans juuust into creeper territory here so I’m hoping he’ll pull back a bit.
That being said, he’s being actively jilted in this scene, so a certain amount of high emotion is understandable.
War (Memorial) Is Hell
Donk finally notices that Patmore is sad re: including Archie on the war memorial, and the two of them — and Carson — actually have a fairly even-tempered discussion about the subject. Turns out Donk agrees with Patmore, and would include Archie on the memorial if it were up to him, but there are laws governing this sort of thing, so his hands are tied. It’s always interesting to note the limits of the more empowered characters on this show, who seem more or less free to do whatever they want from the perspective of the folks downstairs.
Isis Watch 2015
Who’s the best? Who’s the best girl? You are! You are!

Poor Shrimpy. Poor Everyone?
Shrimpy has the divorce chat with Rose, who takes it pretty well, but then she gets to live at Downton fucking Abbey during the divorce so my sympathy is limited. The takeaway here is that Rose has learned from the total misery of her parents that she only wants to marry for love. Shrimpy, by his own admission, shouldn’t be giving marriage advice, so he consents to give her his support, whoever it is that she falls in love with. Place your bets now on which historically discriminated-against ethnic group Rose is going to fall in love with!

The Battle of Little Minx (full credit to Carson for that one)
Nobody ever listens to me, so someone makes the bright decision to invite Bunting to dinner again. At this point I pretty much quit, you can write your own recaps.

I need some indication of why Tom puts up with Ms. B, other than her politics which have already caused problems on a half-dozen occasions. Give me some romance, some good sex, something to justify her presence, because as it is she just feels like filler.
At dinner, Bricker — who’s visiting the Abbey to more closely examine their Della Francesca, and mostly to flirt — makes everyone uncomfortable by getting too cozy with Cora, essentially straight-up fisting her under the table. Fortunately this is not the most awkward part of the meal, as Bunting insists that Donk send for Daisy to ask how her lessons are going. The whole scene is an annoying, redundant farce since we’ve already watched Bunting ruin two (possibly three?) dinners at Downton. I am grumpy.
Daisy is summoned from the kitchen to justify Bunting’s existence, and she makes a valiant effort, explaining that she might be a cook forever, but now she knows her options thanks to getting some education. Fine, whatever; Bunting still won’t just shut up and be polite and English about anything (“Oh, for heaven’s sake, let it go,” begs Mary/everyone watching), causing Donk to LOSE HIS MIND, shouting across the crowded table, “There is only one thing I would like, and that I would like passionately, and that is to see you leave this house and never come back!” He then invents the wireless microphone so that he can drop it on his way out of the room.
If I have to say something in defense of Bunting — and I don’t, so I want some brownie points here — it’s that she empowers Daisy to help Patmore write a letter to the War Office about getting Archie’s name on the war memorial. It’s neat to watch Daisy come into her own, intellectually, after four seasons at a (very charming, totally adorable) standstill. Point made, show, but couldn’t you have given us something other than Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Again and Again and Again?
And Finally
Since the episode’s almost over, it’s time to check in with the whole Who Killed Mr. Green? subplot. Sub-sub-subplot, really. Sgt. Willis wonders if perhaps Anna, rather than Bates, might hold some grudge against Mr. Green. Which… hm. I see where you’re going with that.
Adam Goldman writes things for you. See more at thatadamgoldman.com
 
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Photos: ITV/PBS