Why Do Great TV Dramas Hate Teenage Girls?

The Americans returns to TV tonight. Which, unfortunately, means Paige Jennings (Holly Taylor) does too, in all her whiny, God-loving glory.

While I love Philip and Elizabeth Jennings (Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell), I cannot STAND their daughter. She spent the entire second season rebelling against her parents in the lamest way possible. Rather than dabbling in drinking or drugs like a real teenager, she goes against her atheist parents by joining a church youth group. You know who else pulled this stunt? Grace Florrick (Makenzie Vega) from The Good Wife. The second her mother gave her some independence, she also threw herself into religion.

Please know that it’s not the religion itself I’m against, it’s annoying teenage girls taking up valuable screen time during my favorite shows. Because their out-of-control annoyingness doesn’t make them interesting, it makes them hard to watch. Not in the American Horror Story hard-to-watch way, but in the I-want-to-turn-off-my-TV way. Note: you can insert every single thinkpiece that exists on Homeland’s miserable Dana Brody (Morgan Saylor) right here (because you legally can’t talk about horrible teenage daughters on TV without throwing her name into the ring).

Both The Good Wife and The Americans are critically acclaimed dramas that feature powerful female protagonists. The fact that both Elizabeth Jennings and Alicia Florrick (Julianna Margulies) are unapologetic, female ass kickers is a huge part of the reason that I watch these shows. Powerful men are a dime a dozen on TV, but women who aren’t afraid to do what it takes to get the job done are not. So how is it possible then that these women raised such unlikable daughters?

I’ll answer that for you: it’s not possible. These women wouldn’t have raised these daughters. Unfortunately, it’s out of their hands because TV hates teenage girls.

Fine, I’ll be more specific: with the exception of Mad Men and Game of Thrones, critically acclaimed TV dramas hate teenage girls. Now I’ll play the devil’s advocate here for a second and acknowledge that teenage girls can be the worst. As a former teenage girl, I know this for a fact. They’re nasty and gossipy and insecure and cursed with using the wrong shade foundation until they turn 18. But as a former teenage girl, I know that they’re not always the worst. In fact, sometimes they’re downright enjoyable. And even when they’re not enjoyable, they’re entertaining. Tell me you haven’t enjoyed eavesdropping on a group of mean girls all ordering Caesar salads and Diet Cokes at lunch. (What? Only me? Okay, carry on.)

Paige Jennings, Grace Florrick and Dana Brody are never enjoyable and they’re never entertaining. There’s never a moment when they’re on screen when I hope they don’t spontaneously combust. And that’s bad, because all three of them should be sympathetic, and therefore interesting, characters. Their parents suck — for various reasons that include terrorism, communism, and adultery — and we should feel sorry for them and understand where they’re coming from when they’re being the worst. But we don’t. All I think about is that the fact that they don’t deserve their awesome moms. This isn’t about them their characters being teenage girls, it’s about the way they’re being written.

How do I know this? Look no further than all of their token brothers: Henry Jennings, Zach Florrick, and Chris Brody, respectively. They’re likable, if completely forgettable, kids. No one’s sending them to church youth groups or scripting Bible fights or directing them to roll their eyes. They all have the same parents and the same upbringings, but they’re not making you want to change the channel every time they step into a room. And when they get plots, they get good ones. Henry got to hit a creeper with a glass bottle and save his sister’s life…after she stupidly got them into the life-threatening situation that required getting saved. Zach got to deal with abortion during this season of The Good Wife. Abortion! That’s a heavy plot and an interesting one to watch unfold. Meanwhile, his sister Grace gets to have her youth group over for a sing-a-long.

Weirdly enough, this isn’t a problem in comedies. In fact, comedies have some of the best teenage daughters on TV. Looking at you Tina Belcher (Bob’s Burgers), Catherine Meyer (Veep), and Maeby Fünke (Arrested Development). These are all characters who I would never want to spend time with in real life, but who I love watching in their shows. Which proves that it’s possible to make unlikable characters watchable. Sure, it’s easier to make unlikable characters watchable in comedies, I get that. But considering that shows like The Good Wife and The Americans are two of the best scripted programs on TV right now, I have faith in their writers that they’re talented enough to pull it off. And hopefully, in the case of The Americans, they’re planning to pull it off pronto. I don’t know if I can survive a season centered around Paige if she’s as insufferable as she was last time around.

[Stream The Americans on Amazon Prime Here]
[Stream The Good Wife on Amazon Prime Here]
[Stream Homeland on Amazon Prime Here]

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Photos courtesy of Showtime, CBS and Everett Collection