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Big

Project Almanac comes out in theaters this weekend. Since I’m betting you’ve seen the trailers and tuned them out every single time, let me fill you in on the plot. It’s a thriller about a group of teenagers who discover the blueprints for a time machine, build it and destroy their lives. Why do they destroy their lives? Because they’ve clearly never seen a time travel movie before. Those things are usually pretty explicit with how one misstep can ruin everything. But also because teenagers have a history of touching magical things that they shouldn’t and then really, really regretting it. With the exception of Harry Potter, this has never worked out well. Sure, they learn always learn valuable lessons, but at what cost?

Exhibit A: Big

This 1988 classic movie tells the heartwarming tale of a boy who tricks a grown woman into having sex with him, with the lights on. No, no, I’m sorry, I mean the heartwarming tale of a boy who proves that anyone can become a high-powered executive despite being a middle school drop out. No, sorry again, I’m getting confused, it’s the story of a boy who makes a wish to be big and wakes up in Tom Hanks‘ body. While at first everything goes swimmingly (bunk beds!), it goes downhill quickly (the 9-5 grind!) and Josh learns a hard lesson about why you shouldn’t touch magical machines.

[Stream Big on Amazon Prime]

Exhibit B: 13 Going on 30

We can’t talk about Big without talking about 13 Going on 30. The plot’s approximately the same; just swap Zoltar for magical wishing powder. Oh, also trade��out the charming FAO Schwartz piano scene for a choreographed Michael Jackson routine that makes approximately zero sense. Like Tom Hanks, Jennifer Garner quickly learns that adulthood isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Even if it does come with Judy Greer for a best frenemy. And this my impulsive teenage friends, is why we don’t touch magical wishing powder.

[Stream 13 Going on 30 on Netflix ]

Exhibit C: Freaky Friday

Despite being at the peak of her acting career, Lindsay Lohan got it into her head that Jamie Lee Curtis had it better than her. So she let herself be manipulated by the magical owner of a Chinese restaurant into touching a cursed fortune cookie and making the classic “Woe is me, if only she knew how hard I had it” wish. Then she woke up on the set of an Activia commercial and learned that actually, she had it pretty damn good before.

[Stream Freaky Friday on Netflix]

Exhibit D: Wish Upon a Star

This classic Disney Channel movie stars Katherine Heigl and Danielle Harris as sisters who have nothing in common. (Spoiler alert: or do they??) When feeling sorry for themselves one night, they wish upon a shooting star to trade places with each other. Bada bing, bada boom, they wake up in each other’s bodies. Obviously disaster ensues, because disaster always seems to ensue when you switch bodies with someone. While they didn’t technically touch the shooting star, they did mess with magic. Teens, will they never learn!

[Stream Wish Upon a Star on Netflix]

Exhibit E: The Brady Bunch

During a very special three-part Polynesian vacation episode of The Brady Bunch, the Brady boys take an ancient tiki despite being told that it brings bad luck to anyone who touches it. Assuming that nothing could be more unlucky than having a hot stepsister, they go ahead and take it. And that cocky move leads to Greg almost dying in a surfing accident. And Greg’s nowhere near cool enough to die in a surfing accident. So they’re forced to go to an ancient burial ground (just go with it) where they get captured by a maniacal archaeologist (still go with it) and then have to be saved by Mike Brady. Another great reminder of why we don’t just touch things that we know are cursed.

[Stream The Brady Bunch on Youtube]

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