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House of Cards

Today’s the day folks. At 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, I’ll begin live-bingeing the entire third season of Netflix Original series, House of Cards. That entails watching all thirteen new episodes, or “Chapters” as they’re referred to, in a row in one sitting.

I’ll be recapping in real time major plot points and gif-worthy moments, which will surely include spoilers so needless to say, you’ve been warned. But I’ll also be sharing photos, tweets, and other moments from my first-hand experience watching far too much of one show in one day on both my laptop and through my XBOX One (I plan on switching between the two so I can efficiently screen cap, gif, etc. and continue watching). At the end of each episode we’ll bundle it all up into a neat little gallery for you as to make things easier to follow and refer back to as the series rolls on.

I’ve set some rules for myself based on my House of Cards Binge-Watch Survival Guide and have included a few guess-timations as to how I think my journey will pan out. They are as follows:

My goal is to clock in under 15 hours. Can it be done? Last season, each episode ran between 48 and 60 minutes. There are 13 episodes in Season Three which estimates anywhere from 624 minutes to 780 minutes, or roughly 10 to 13 hours. After episode one, or “Chapter 27,” I don’t plan on sitting through every opening credit sequence, nor the end credits, ultimately shaving off 1 minute, 37 seconds to 2 minutes per episode totaling a saved time of about 19 to 24 minutes. Speaking of “Chapter 27…”
In case you missed it, on February 11th, Netflix had a ~~brilliant marketing tactic~~ technical glitch and leaked ten episodes of the series. If you were quick enough, you were able to view the first episode of the season, or “Chapter 27,” before you were shut out. That being said, I’ve seen the first episode, but it’s only fair if I start from the top, so note that I’ll be re-watching the season premiere.
When I binge-watch, I typically power through a couple of episodes back-to-back before designating 10 to 15-minute breaks in between. Divide and conquer!
I’ve set an alarm for every hour until 5 p.m. this afternoon when I estimate I’ll be done with the season. This is to keep myself from falling asleep for very long if I were to nod off.
I’ll be timing myself and documenting everything I’ve consumed to get me from start to finish. I’m starting with what you see below:

https://instagram.com/p/zmJ-ZFu39f/?modal=true

Feel free to join in and tell us about your own experience in the comments section below and on Twitter (@decider). I’m also open to snack suggestions as we move along together from the wee hours of the morning through to the late afternoon. So without further ado, let the House of Cards Season Three Live-Binge commence!

SPOILERS AHEAD.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 27” (Season 3, Episode 1)

**3:02 AM:** So we open with a shot of President Frank Underwood peeing on his father's grave. His father is named Calvin. Anytime we see urine and the name Calvin in close proximity, of course our mind flashes to this.

**3:08 AM:** Dude is going through some extensive physical recovery. Rachel whacked him good. Damage to the frontal cortex. Yikes. (It's not easy for us viewers, either. Every time he's on screen a high-pitched ringing noise blares through our speakers. Combine this with the 3 a.m. timeframe and it's enough to make us want to go back to bed. Yet, we will soldier on.)

**3:14 AM:** So Claire is her typical conniving self and coaxing Doug into lying to the authorities about what really happened. Oh yeah, and her and Frank gave Remy Doug's old job. Poor Doug. I have this theory that this whole show is really Doug Stamper's story, but more on that later.

**3:20 AM:** Meet Gary. Gary is Doug's sweet brother who flew in from Ohio to take care of his bro. Now he's being shooed away. (PS, Gary's got a boner.)

**3:22 AM:** Awww I miss Colbert already. Especially now that he's reaming out Frank Underwood right now. I think what they're going for here is, Frank totally needs Doug, but Doug will not be fit to do his job anytime soon. Also, just want to note I'm slowly starting to feel like a person instead of a zombie.

**3:25AM:** Doug meets with Gavin Orsay, aka McPoyle, hot off his guest appearance on *The Newsroom*, who's hesitant to help him find Rachel.

**3:28AM:** I know Frank is scarier than ever right now, but can we talk about how smokin' hot Remy looks this season?

**3:32AM:** Doug butt! All this physical therapy has made our boy Stamper pretty jacked though if I may say so. Too bad he cracks his arm here. Currently making a gross gif for you. (RELATED: YOUR GUIDE TO GREAT MALE NUDITY ON STREAMING: BUTTS EDITION!)

**3:37AM:** Donald Blythe is the VP? TOTALLY missed that the first time around. Aw, I kind of missed his doughy face.

**3:40AM.**Hey Doug, is that a Tic-Tac in your mouth or are you just happy to see us? Oh, wait, that's a Percocet? Hashtag Slippery Slopes!

**3:46AM:** So Frank's Secretary of State Cathy Durant doesn't want Frank to tap Claire for ambassador. Claire gets her way though. Because in the words of Meghan O'Keefe, she's just a variation of Lady MacBeth, the original ride or die bitch.

**3:50AM:** So Doug has hired a prostitute who could be Rachel's twin to come over, undress, and squirt whiskey in his mouth. We've heard of "taking a shot" but this is ridiculous(ly sexy).

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 28” (Season 3, Episode 2)

**3:56 AM:** On to the second episode of the third season before 4 AM. This is truly a victory. Right now, Claire is trying to prove herself while Frank is dealing with traitor Democrats who don't want him to run. At this hour I need something more than politics to keep me going — bring me more butts!

**4:00 AM:** Molly Parker, baby! Looking fierce as fuuuuuck.

**4:05 AM:** So Claire blew it at her Senate hearing and the Democratic leadership party, including Jackie Sharp, doesn't want Frank to run. It's our favorite evil power couple against the world now. FYI, I'm about to make a fat cup of coffee.

**4:14 AM:** #PowerCoupleMontage. For some reason I think I hear the faint distance of the *Game of Thrones* theme.

**4:17 AM:** Meet the new Zoey. She's incredibly annoying. #RIPSlugline

HOLY SHIT PAUSE.

**4:18 AM:** FRANK UNDERWOOD IS CRYING AND CLAIRE IS GIVING HIM A PITY FUCK. Or is it a pity fuck? Maybe they just finally wanted to fuck without Meechum around. It's super duper weird though to be honest. Guess all those late-night phone calls to Senators really riled them up.

**4:19 AM**: Is that Ginuwine we hear in the background? RIDE THAT PONY!

**4:23 AM:** So Claire didn't get picked for ambassador. But she ended up buying a bunch of rare eggs from some glorified girl scout instead.

**4:30AM**: How To Convince The Government To Take Action, A Play In 3 GIFs.
Step One: Use broad, sweeping hand gestures to distract your foes.

**4:30AM**: How To Convince The Government To Take Action, A Play In 3 GIFs.
Step Two: Point with your pointy finger to insure you know that it's them that you're talking to.

**4:30AM**: How To Convince The Government To Take Action, A Play In 3 GIFs.
Step Three: Drop the F-Bomb with the force of ten thousand hurricanes.
END SCENE.

**4:37 AM:** Did he say $500 billion? Turning on the closed captioning now. This speech is KICK ASS though. And this whole America Works bill seems like it could actually work.

**4:40:** Wait, can we talk about how much I hate Seth. He's the Underwoods' latest bitch and sent to spy on poor Doug. If him and Benedict Cumberbatch were long lost snake brothers, I would't be surprised.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

OH YEAH CHAPTER 29, YEAH.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 29” (Season 3, Episode 3)

**4:48 AM:** Damn, if only Putin were this hot. Say hello to Russian President Petrov, played by Lars Mikkelsen, brother of Mads Mikkelsen who you may know as Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Maybe he'll end up dressing Frank's organs like his bro bro likes to do?

**4:52AM:** Meanwhile, Claire is kissing some serious ass with Cathy.

**5:01 AM:** Robin Wright is a vision. This crappy screenshot does not do her justice.

**5:03 AM:** Pussy Riot has made an appearance!

**5:08 AM:** "In Soviet Russia, champagne drinks you!"—Yakov Smirnoff

**5:09AM:** Shots, shots, shots, shot-shots! Where is Lil Jon when you need him? (Speaking of which, remember when LMFAO was a thing? We're glad those days are over.)

**5:10AM:** Frank Underwood is not a vodka man, apparently. More of a bourbon guy, we're gonna guess?

**5:11AM:** "To President Petrov ... and his little pickle." OHHHH SNAP! Claire Underwood just unleashed a #SICKBURN on the President Pinko. We're half expecting her to do a "Your momma" joke next...

**5:11AM:** Ladies and gentlemen, you're next President of Comedy, Miss Claire Underwood. #DROPSMIC

**5:12 AM:** After doing what, like 4 shots (and picklebacks), it's time for the Petrov to get his neg on. "So he's pimping you out, your husband." Leave it up to the Russians to be as frank as possible.

**5:19 AM:** Yikes, talk about foreign policy! We thought this guy was the President of Russia, not France.

**5:23 AM:** Just some gals playing beer pong after everyone goes home. Of course, this is all part of Claire's brilliant plan while Frank is working to manipulate Petrov with some Cuban cigars.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

5:41 AM THOUGHTS: The reason I watched three episodes in a row rather than take a break after the first one or two is because so far, this season is pretty fantastic. Now I may be totally delirious because it’s almost 6 in the morning and I haven’t had coffee yet, but at of yet it’s far more reminiscent of the first season than the soap opera of a second season. And we’ve spent a lot more time with Claire and Doug than we have with Frank, which is an interesting turn of events.

Right now though, I’m going to make that fat cup of coffee I wanted two episodes ago and shovel peanut butter in my mouth. See you at “Chapter 30!”

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 30” (Season 3, Episode 4)

https://instagram.com/p/zmi49Fu3zz/?modal=true

So I like a little Tina Belcher with my Frank Underwood, what can I say? By the way guys it’s 6 o’clock in the morning and you know what that means…

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7Zo_1HSr8A]

Okay he eventually gets to 6 o’clock in the morning, work with me here. Hopefully the conversation isn’t boring when you join me as I venture through the next episodes of this super dark season of House of Cards. No one has been murdered yet, but hey, the morning is young.

**6:16 AM:** So Heather Dunbar is all like, "Drone strikes aren't that bad," and now a lot of people are pissed, except Frank of course, because he put her up to it. Meanwhile Claire is trying to secure her spot in the United Nation Peace Resolution by speaking bad French and buttering important people up.

**6:22 AM:** So now Frank tapped her to take that old guy's spot as Chief Justice. Yes, the one with Alzheimer's because Frank has no soul. Dunbar says yes and her power in that position will help him win re-election, coming up in 18 months.

**6:27 AM:** Meanwhile McPoyle is helping Doug find Rachel, but it's proving rather difficult. So they're going to try and find her through her former lesbian lover, Lisa. Remember her? Maybe this will jog your memory.

**6:31 AM:** New Zoey and Cumberbatch look-a-like are probably going to get it on soon. Which make me a little nauseous. Or maybe that's just because I devoured an English muffin slathered in peanut butter three hours before I normally eat breakfast.

**6:45AM:** Oh, hey, it's the Sun! Hi buddy. Ok, back to the show.

**6:47 AM:** In a very Richard III moment, Doug approaches Dunbar and threatens to use him or lose him to help her run in 2016, which is sure to be a huge thorn in the Underwoods’ side being that he know’s all their dirty laundry. Frank should have just given him his job back and all of this would have been prevented. Doug was the loyalest of lapdogs up until now.

**6:50 AM:** Good morning, Detective Rawls! Ironically, the last show I binged in this capacity was The Wire so this is a welcome surprise. As always, he plays a ruthless badass.

6:53AM: OMG HE JUST BROKE JESUS. If you get 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror, I can't imagine what happens after breaking the likeness of the world's most famous carpenter.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

Well, that didn’t get exciting until the very end. Getting more coffee before “Chapter 31.”

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 31” (Season 3, Episode 5)

**7:08 AM:** Dunbar is campaigning like crazy while Frank gathers up his $500 billion by stopping FEMA funding and coaxing Jackie Sharp to speak out against him and steal Dunbar's thunder. However, what Frank doesn't realize is that Jackie and Remy have been working together (even though they're no longer sleeping with each other) to prep her to run.

**7:26 AM:** Doug goes to Dunbar and he's back to his cutthroat self, bargaining for dollars and power. Ah, nasty Doug, how we missed you. Two things to note here: one is that Frank has yet to find out about this backstabbing (if we can honestly call it that. At this point it's survival). The second thing is that Doug'd indulgence in the casual syringe of whiskey doesn't seem to be affecting his recovery whatsoever. Has he been able to control his addiction? It's probably too early to tell.

**7:28AM:** Frank has moved on from his violent first-person shooters. Now he's a "casual gamer." Here, he's playing "Monument Valley" on his iPad. Looks much calmer than "Call Of Duty"!

**7:30 AM:** Why are Frank and Claire sleeping in separate bedrooms these days? From what we saw earlier, they seem to be physically closer than ever. She claims to be tired from running around doing her Madame Ambassador thang, but there's definitely something else going on.

**7:33 AM:** This gal is the New Zoe's replacement after Seth Cumberbatch banned New Zoe from The White House when she spoke out against the President at a press conference. This was an epic mistake on Seth's part, however, because New Girl got the FEMA President to talk and leak info regarding the fun freeze to create new jobs as part of Frank's America Works plan.

**7:42AM:** The couple that smokes together, stays together. (Or something.)

**7:45 AM:** *FINALLY*. Some boning. This season has seriously lacked in the sex department so far and even though the sex between Jackie and her new man, Alan, was to seal her political fate as a potential candidate (an engaged woman always looks more wholesome to the general public), it was a nice change of pace.

**7:53 AM:** Doug offers Dunbar the truth about Claire's abortion. It's getting ugly fast.

**7:58 AM:** Claire tinkles for the Russian ambassador and the greater good. In one fell swoop of doing herself up for a man and indulging in some intimate fantasies, she nabs a vote to keep her peace resolution together and gets Michael Corrigan, an imprisoned gay activist, is freed and sent home to his husband, who's campaigning with Dunbar. Win and win (and wipe).

**8:06 AM:** FREDDYYYYYYYY! What a sight for sore eyes. Although this is the most depressing thing we've seen yet, as he's standing on an unemployment line to seek work at Frank's America Works stunt. Freddy, we miss you! :(

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

8:10 AM THOUGHTS: I’ve just finished “Chapter 31” and I have to say, Beau Willimon and his writers are laying the politics on thick this season. So far we’ve touched upon:

Russian missile defense programs
Drone strikes
Gay rights
Unemployment
Primary elections
Freedom of the press
Disaster relief squandering
Heavy

I’m probably missing a few, but it’s a miracle I noted that many given how much we’ve been lobbed in these first five episodes. All in all I prefer the politics over the black cloud of relationship drama last season, but at this point in the morning, I need a little more pizazz. That being said, these five episodes are on par, if not better than Season One and I’m slowly letting go of regretting waking up at 2:30 this morning. Let’s move on to “Chapter 32,” shall we? Running to get more coffee first. You should too.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 32” (Season 3, Episode 6)

**8:30 AM:** Yay we're friends with Russia! And Claire got a big ol' bouquet.

**8:36 AM:** And now Claire has to persuade poor Michael, who's been in prison for the last several weeks, to tout a statement supporting Petrov's gay propaganda law, which goes directly against what he was fighting for in the first place. To Claire's surprise, he refuses. Thank goodness someone has integrity. Only took us six episodes to get there.

**8:42 AM:** Over in McPoyle land, he tricks Lisa into thinking he has AIDS and we learn he's the worst fake cryer ever.

**8:44 AM:** Ooh a potential suitor for Douglas? His sweet physical therapy nurse.

**9:05 AM:** Holy shit. So Michael just committed suicide. And Claire just had a breakthrough as a person. And Frank can't stand still.

**9:07 AM:** As Michael said earlier, Claire lashing out against Frank's and Petrov's wishes is "bad for business." Frank is *disgusted.*

**9:14 AM:** And now it's war between the Underwoods as Claire so poignantly states, "I should have never made you President." *[drops mic]*

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

https://instagram.com/p/zm1Tgku37R/?modal=true

9:18 AM THOUGHTS: First of all, I’m sleepy. Second of all, I’m glad the show is finally delving into the hollowed part of Frank and Claire’s marriage. It feels more raw, more honest than that whole Adam Galloway nonsense in Seasons One and Two. Frank is dismissing her legitimacy because she refused to stay in her place so-to-speak. He forgets she truly is the one who got him to his position of power.

ON TO “CHAPTER 33!”

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 33” (Season 3, Episode 7)

**9:22 AM:** WHAT is that new do, Claire? Her and Frank seem... Better. But still weird. (P.S. We're flashing back and forth between the present and one month from now)

**9:25 AM:** Back in the present, however, these two can't stand each other. Claire actually flinches now Frank touches her.

**9:30 AM:** I wish this entire episode could just focus on this monk mural. This is incredibly relaxing to watch. Speaking of relaxing, I just fit in some Pilates real quick.

**9:35 AM:** So I failed to mention this before, but an author, Tom, has been following Frank around for the past few months to write a book. Frank, of course, set the whole thing up but Tom seems to have strong integrity about how he's going to tell Underwood's story.

**9:40 AM:** McPoyle found Rachel and Doug is thrown for a loop as they close in on her.

**9:45 AM:** After months of sexual tension, Doug and the Physical Therapy Lady finally get it on. But she won't save him from his Rachel wrath because she's getting on a plane the next day. They were cute together while it lasted though.

**9:50 AM:** After Frank saw a statue of Eleanor Roosevelt, he was inspired to come home and apologize to Claire, realizing he's nothing without her. It seems almost too sincere, but she dyed her hair back to the color it was when her and Frank first met and they renewed their vows. Not sleeping in the same bed just yet though.

**9:57 AM:** Wait, noooooooo! Nooooooo! My zen!

**10:04 AM:** Awww but after this they will be. And finally, their *I Love Lucy* stage has ended.

That felt like an episode of *The Americans*. How cool would *that* crossover be?

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

https://instagram.com/p/zm6IJDO3yr/?modal=true

Say whaaaaa, I’m on “Chapter 34” you say? Let’s do it.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 34” (Season 3, Episode 8)

**10: 10 AM:** A storm is coming: both literally and figuratively. Just as Frank’s radical but effective America Works project is getting into it’s groove and creating jobs, a massive hurricane is about to hit the East Coast and FEMA doesn’t have the funds to handle the impending damage.

**10:12 AM:** This episode is DENSE and meant to be watched without any distractions — trust me. Time is moving along: Jackie is already married and has announced her campaign for Vice President in 2016. Doug is still closing in on Rachel and working for Dunbar. He surprises us by letting Underwood’s Press Secretary (aka Seth Cumberbatch) know about one of her private meetings with Jackie Sharp, which involved stepping out of the campaign spotlight until, forgive me, hurricane season is over.

**10:15 AM:** Claire has already earned her keep as an ambassador and is swaying meetings with her vote. Maybe her PR in Russia paid off back home, though at the expense of a young man’s life.

**10:18 AM:** Frank finds out Freddy, our dearest Freddy of Freddy’s BBQ has been working as a dishwasher and he can’t help but feel responsible because, well, it was all his fault the man lost his rib joint. Meanwhile author Tom and journalist Kate Baldwin who have been following Frank around for months, are writing contrasting accounts of the President’s rise to the top and it's not looking good.

**10:40 AM:** Freddy breaks my freakin' heart.

**10:45 AM:** Did anyone else think this was the most ridiculous op-ed they've ever heard?

**10:50 AM:** Yup, that's Meechum protecting his ~~lover~~ boss against Tom or any journalist who's out for themselves. Also, this is the first time we've heard Meechum say more than ten words all season.

**10:56 AM:** Frank is going to sign the bill that will get rid of all those jobs he created in order to give funding back to FEMA. In an effort to save someone he's doubly fucked over, he calls up Freddy and offers him a job. He took it, but he's still cautious.

**11:00 AM:** So the hurricane turned and 40,000 people lost their jobs because the bill went into effect immediately. Remember when Snowmageddon was supposed to hit the East Coast and nothing happened? Kind of like that but much, much worse. But hey, Frank is taking it as an opportunity to announce his presidency.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

Ready to watch his insane campaign unfold? Let’s see what “Chapter 35” has in store.

FIVE EPISODES LEFT. FIVE.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 35” (Season 3, Episode 9)

**11:16 AM:** Whoop! Another butt. What what. That's Tom's butt. It's a little milky, but it'll do.

**11: 18 AM:** All is well with the Underwood campaign until there’s an explosion in Russia that kills civilians.

**11:20 AM:** Frank is distracted, but not enough to notice that Tom and Kate from the Washington Herald have been fooling around. He doesn't explicitly say so but something tells us he'll deal with it. On an unrelated note, what do you guys think I should have for lunch?

**11:21 AM:** And Doug just found out Rachel was murdered outside of Tuscon. Anyone could have killed her if she went back to prostituting but the photos indicated she was brutally, brutally murdered. An act of passion perhaps?

**11:23 AM:** As predicted, Doug gets blinding drunk and starts causing trouble. But he wants you to know he’s sorry. **11: 29 AM:** Andddd he just vomited on his feet. I don’t know if I’m just deliriously tired or what, but part of me thinks I can smell it.

**11:43 AM:** And now he's face-to-face with Frank to offer proof Rachel's dead and to finally be honest.

**11:47 AM:** "I'm not Peter Russo." Ahhhhh, my heart can't take it. Doug Stamper is the tragic hero of this show. I know nothing about the season finale but I have a strong feeling it will end with him.

**11:51 AM:** Even though all this drama with Russia is obviously important and deserves its own 1000-word recap, Doug's story is the tragedy of this episode. His brother Gary comes to pick him up and seeing him sob is his arms is too much.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

12:00 PM THOUGHTS: That was a rough one on all fronts. War is imminent, Doug may be leaving the show, and Remy is having second thoughts about his place in Washington. What’s even more unsettling? Frank and Claire are more sincere than ever. Well, as sincere as they can be when they’re lying to the American public about covert operations in Russia gone awry. It’s all coming to a head. But guess what? There are only FOUR EPISODES LEFT. Grabbing lunch, then on to “Chapter 36”!

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 36” (Season 3, Episode 10)

**12:03 PM:** I wish Jackie and Remy would just get back together. They've established they still love each other, but Remy wants to respect her new life with Alan even if he slipped her a quick (albeit predictable) peck last episode. This sucks. I'm more mad about this than I should be.

**12:07 PM:** Tom called Frank’s gay crush from college (remember the one he got drunk with in the library?) for more “more info on the book,” aka more info for his conniving girlfriend.

**12:08 PM:** Also, it just dawned on me that Raymond Tusk has been completely MIA. I mean so has everyone else from the old administration — Walker, Linda, etc. — but I thought for sure Frank would need Tusk’s backing for diplomacy reasons. Guess he’s busy birdwatching.

**12:15 PM:** When cornered by Claire about his intentions, Tom throws a curveball and asks if she'll be willing to participate in the book, which seems sincere, but there's an unreadable quality to him (no author pun intended).

**12:20 PM:** Meanwhile, Doug meets his sister-in-law, niece, and nephew for the first time and it's heartbreakingly adorable.

**12:30 PM:** But the heart of the episode is in the Jordan Valley, over which Israel has issued a no-fly zone because of threats based on Petrov's orders. This dude has somehow managed to evolve to be more terrifying than Underwood and when the two men meet in person in the Middle East, I'm actually nervous for Frank's safety. This is NOT going to end well. Especially since Petrov is only willing to retreat if Frank fires Claire from her position as an ambassador.

**12:44 PM:** Meanwhile, McPoyle comes clean to Lisa and once again, that poor girl is left lied to and heartbroken.

**12:46 PM:** Petrov just dropped a metaphorical bomb on Frank by informing him the Russian ambassador tricked Claire into being a puppet for their Navy SEAL operation gone awry. And now Frank has to fire his wife. It's the old adage: if you sleep together, you can't work together. Actually, I'm not sure if that's an old adage. Maybe I made that up. Maybe running on the fumes of Diet Coke and Pringles has gone straight to my head.

**12:59 PM:** I can't even attempt to dissect the conversation that's happening right now between Frank and Tom. I wouldn't be surprised if they kissed though.

**1:01 PM:** OH MY GOD THEY'RE GOING TO. **1:01 PM:** THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS. **1:02 PM:** FRANK JUST SAID "I'M REAL." **1:03 PM:** Andddd it didn't happen.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

“Chapter 37” it is, folks.

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 37” (Season 3, Episode 11)

**1:12 PM:** RACHEL ISN'T DEAD. I REPEAT, RACHEL ISN'T DEAD. McPoyle tricked Doug to get out of the country safely and no he's using her location as leverage to get his buddy out of the states too.

**1:20 PM:** Because Frank wants Jackie to do all his dirty work during the debate with Dunbar, Jackie goes behind Frank's back and offers to endorse Dunbar instead. But Jackie is offered nothing in exchange for her potential endorsement, which is pretty shocking to say the least. So Jackie is apparently going to "stick with the devil she knows."

**1:32 PM:** Whoa, Jackie *went* there. Calling Dunbar out for being sexist and doing nothing for women so she can secure her spot as VP. *And* bringing the kids into it.

**1:34 PM:** This is some good old fashioned collusion folks.

**1:35 PM:** And after putting her reputation and her family on the line, Frank still threw her under the bus.

**1:45 PM:** If there was any doubt Frank grew a soft spot this season, this conversation with Jackie in the Oval Office makes that null and void. I almost cried for her. Belittling scumbag.

**1:48 PM:** Noooooo Claire, stop spilling all this about your marriage. To Tom no less! Although at this point, I believe he's on her side, here.

**1:50 PM:** So Remy just went to bat for Jackie and got shut the eff out. Freddy offered some solid advice by telling him to stay the hell out of his way. Remy brought up a good point though: that every single person in Frank's life is turning or has turned against him and he's going to have no one left if he keeps ruling with fear.

**1:53 PM:** Well, sexy Remy was right. Jackie endorsed Dunbar just before he handed over his government pin. Frank has no one left.

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

1:17 PM: So. Many. Pringles. So. Sick. Still. Going.

https://instagram.com/p/znPYqIO30o/?modal=true

And we’re on “Chapter 38” people!!!

HOUSE OF CARDS: “CHAPTER 38” (Season 3, Episode 12)

**2:20 PM:** We're on the penultimate episode of the season and elections are right around the corner. Dunbar, now backed by Jackie Sharp is ahead in the polls. Claire has become Frank's only saving grace for public appearances, inching his polls up bit by bit as the dutiful First Lady that she is. She's miserable though and after unintentionally pouring her heart out to Tom, his first chapter is written: finally sparking a book, not about a jobs creation package nor about one powerful man, but about a marriage that has, "tilted the Earth's axis."

**2:31 PM:** Dunbar pulls out the big guns: allegedly buying the journal from Doug and threatening to use the abortion against Claire if Frank doesn't concede.

**2:35 PM:** This woman from Iowa was everything Claire needed. Told her everything she didn't want to hear about marriage, babies, sex, and politics right before...

**2:36 PM:** Frank drops the bomb about the evidence Dunbar's campaign allegedly holds about the falsified abortion.

**2:40 PM:** But good ol' Doug comes through in the clutch, delivering the journal Dunbar lied about having and burning it before Frank's eyes before asking for his old job back as Chief of Staff and revealing that he turned down $2 million from Dunbar to protect the President and First Lady. I *knew* Doug would play an epic part in this ending. Hey, remember when we all thought he was dead?

**2:45 PM:** In more good news, did we mention that Jackie and Remy hooked up again? ALL my dreams are coming true.

**2:55 PM:** But then Claire throws us for another loop and leaves us hanging. "We've been lying for a long time. To each other." Cut to black. What. What?! What happened to Lady Macbeth and riding or dying?!

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

Which brings us to…

House of Cards Season Three Finale, “Chapter 39”

**3:00 PM:** Oh, hey Rachel! Oy Doug is going to find you and do who knows what to you.

**3:05 PM:** Even after her bold statement in the final moments of last episode, Claire concedes, picking her battle for another time.

**3:10 PM:** Doug, meanwhile, takes a mini-vaca to Venezuela to pay McPoyle a visit and beat the shit out of him with a pipe to get Rachel’s exact whereabouts.

**3:15 PM:** And despite her general hatred for her husband, who has become even more of a monster than he already was, Claire continues to campaign. To reiterate the point the woman from Iowa made earlier, “Too bad she isn’t running.”

**3:20 PM:** In a last ditch effort to save some scrap of her marriage, Claire plots her next move, which is…

**3:21 PM:** To slap Frank and ask him to go ham on her. Only catch is he has to look at her while he does it. Now, anyone who doesn’t watch this show would be confused as to how a man such as Kevin Spacey can’t get it up for a svelte angel like Robin Wright, but we know Frank and Claire better than that. And we know this is the end.

**3:28 PM:** Shit, he found her. And he’s shopping for shovels and bleach. #BreakingDoug

**3:30 PM:** While Claire is a woman undone.

**3:35 PM:** But she makes a date with the rowing machine, which reminds me of the amount of calories I've consumed while bingeing this.

**3:40 PM:** And Rachel is gagged and thrown in the back of a van by Doug.

**3:48 PM:** Shit, he's really king to go through with this. NO. DON'T CUT *NOW.*

**3:53 PM:** Wait, maybe she coaxed him out of it! Rachel lives!

**3:58 PM:** Ladies and gentleman, she's free to go.

**4:01 PM:** FUCK YOU, DOUG. I've been rooting for you this whole time. 13 hours to be exact.

**4:03 PM:** So while Rachel was getting buried, Frank won the Iowa caucus.

**4:10 PM:** Anddd it looks like their marriage is over.

**4:12 PM:** "You are nothing without me." So it also looks like they're staying together.

**4:13 PM:** OR NOT! She left him! Claire has left the building!

(Click through the gallery above to see all of our commentary on this episode.)

And THAT’S A WRAP!

In roughly 13 hours and 15 minutes (from 3 a.m. to 4:15 p.m.) I watched 13 episodes — the entire third season — of House of Cards. Thanks for watching along. Stay tuned for plenty of follow-up commentary but right now, I need a bed.