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Pretty Woman

Twenty-five years ago today, a new twist on the “Pygmalion” myth entered cinemas and conquered all of our hearts. Pretty Woman was the unlikely love story between the world’s most innocent Hollywood Boulevard hooker and a heartless business man with a daddy issues and a fear of heights. The two bonded over sports cars, opera, and slippery escargot. Oh, and sex. Somehow this became one of the sweetest romances of the 20th century and it’s all thanks to the enduring charm of Julia Roberts and every girl’s secret dream to be wooed by a rich man with a credit card.

To honor Pretty Woman’s 25th, we decided to imagine where Vivian Ward (because that was her name — not “Julia Roberts”), Edward Lewis, and their cohorts might be in 2015. Would Vivian and Edward stay together? Would Stuckey ever rebound? Will Barney and Bridget ever find happiness?!? This is just our humble opinion on where everyone would turn up…

Vivian Ward

Where We Left Her: She was taking her $3,000, new wardrobe, and broken heart out of the prostitution game and into school. Oh, wait…what’s that? Her heart’s not broken? Oh yes! Because Edward Lewis has come back to her and wants to love her without paying her now!
Where We Think She’d Be Now: After embracing on the balcony, Edward announced that he wanted Vivian to come to New York with him. As she was already packed up and ready to move on with her life, this sounded ideal. In fact, the first month in New York City felt exactly like the fairy tale Vivian had always dreamed of. Edward took her to the Met, out to the finest restaurants, and gave her complete free reign of his credit card. It was just as it had been during that magical week at the Regent Beverly Wilshire — in more ways than one.

While Edward’s secretary and a few of his ex-girlfriends were perfectly civil to Vivian, gossip had already hit the New York City society circles. Even if some people couldn’t believe that Edward would fall for a hooker, her nervous, uneducated, and uncouth ways painted her as someone who clearly didn’t belong. Sure, when those sales women on Rodeo Drive were snobby to her, Vivian could go back, armed with Edward’s gifts for her to feel better, but the society girls of New York City could not be scorned with lavish displays of money. After all, they had money: their own money.

Vivian could have dealt with all this if she was perfectly happy with her relationship with Edward, but the truth was, she wasn’t. He was completely present at the beginning, but as they fell into a routine, he started inching closer to his old routine. He had to work round the clock to assuage the nerves of his investors and he wound up communicating with Vivian via his secretary. Being at Edward’s beck and call was fine when she was actually being paid to do it, but Vivian began to feel less and less like someone Edward loved and more like his latest acquisition.

After a few tense fights, Vivian finally moved out. Ironically, she got a job in a fancy Fifth Avenue boutique while she got her GED on the side. She was a really good salesgirl. She pioneered the idea of treating people well, and not their money. Sure, she occasionally had to wait on Edward’s friends, but she was able to always turn the tables and make them feel uncomfortable with her charm. For a while, she roomed with a nice girl her own age in Morningside Heights. The girl’s name was Kelly and she was as different from Kit as anyone could possibly be: she was a Columbia pre-med student who was afraid of asking her crush, Sandeep, out. Vivian gave her a few tricks — no, not those kinds of tricks, but flirting tricks — and she was able to snag Sandeep.

The years went on, Vivian dated a string of nice guys who treated her well, but inevitably they would ask her about her past. Vivian couldn’t lie and these nice guys would invariably turn cold when they heard she’d been a hooker. They never wanted to judge her, but they couldn’t help but to judge her. How many men had she been with? Had she liked it? Why did she even do it in the first place? Even if they said nothing, she could see the wheels turning in their head, and so she moved on.

But Vivian was alright. She became a store manager and got her own place. One night in 1994, she went on a terrible lunch date. After politely stepping out, she found herself passing by a elite sports car showroom. She was dressed up, feeling confident, and wanted to talk shop with some real car nerds. When she went in, she was shocked to run into David Morse, the young heir apparent to Morse Industries, that she had met through Edward in Los Angeles all those years before. He was legitimately thrilled to see her. He teased her about escargot and she told him to stay away from steaming divets. She found out that that Edward had remarried and David’s kind grandfather had passed away. David asked Vivian if he could take her out for dinner — no escargot —and she said that would be lovely. He insisted that they go right then.

David Morse treated Vivian like a perfect lady and they fell in love and got married in a sweeping plantation wedding close to where she grew up. They settled in Los Angeles, far away from Hollywood Boulevard, though Vivian drives down from time to time at night, feeling sorry for all the girls in their wigs and their despair. They had three children: James, Lucy, and Christopher. Before they got married, Vivian confessed that she had been a hooker, and that had been how she met Edward Lewis. David just smiled and said, “Oh, I heard about that years ago.”

Edward Lewis

Where We Left Him: Climbing Vivian’s fire escape with a bouquet in flowers in tow to declare his love to “Princess Vivian.”
Where We Think He’d Be Now: Edward really did love Vivian and he had nothing but the best of intentions when he invited her to live with him in New York. He was inspired by her to change his business model, and while that was exciting at first, it also meant he had a lot of damage control to do. He tried his best to take Vivian around town and to make her feel warm, welcome, loved, and safe, but as always, the business took over.

The thing was he didn’t notice that the business had taken over his life again. He just noticed that Vivian was growing more and more restless. He couldn’t understand why she hated all his friends. He didn’t get that the credit cards and the dresses and the penthouses weren’t enough to make her happy.

After she left, he committed himself fully to work. While Vivian had reawakened his love of “building things,” she had also left him with a new predilection: trolling for prostitutes. When he was really lonely, he would call an escort service or pick up a hooker, and he would hope that she would be just like Vivian. The problem was they never were. They were sadder, harder, and not at all as beautiful. Vivian had been one of a kind and he had lost her.

After going to therapy for a few years, Edward realized that trying to recreate what he had with Vivian was impossible. He went back on the society dating scene, tore through about a dozen girls, until he met a sharp redheaded lawyer who loved going after the kill as much as she liked Verdi. Her name is Alicia, and while they have an unusual relationship — she drafted an intense contract before their marriage that distilled their whole romance into a balletic business merger — they have their own kind of happiness. They own six opulent homes all over the world, though they spend most of their time in their Manhattan penthouse suite. Their one son, Garrett, goes to Horace Mann and is an exceptional pianist. Once a year, Edward takes a personal day and takes Garrett out of school and they waste the day and buy hot dogs in Central Park. Alicia pretends not to care. She only ever puts her foot down if he’s going to Los Angeles on business. She says that Edward’s allowed to have business meetings with David Morse, but only if Mr. Morse’s wife isn’t invited.

Phil Stuckey

Where We Left Him: After Edward caught Phil trying to rape Vivian — yeah, kids, Pretty Woman is DARK — he beat up his lawyer/parter/one friend and kicked him out of the penthouse…never to be seen again?
Where We Think He’d Be Now: Edward didn’t just fire Stuckey, he blackballed him. It was impossible for the sniveling asshole to find work, so he set out to ruin Edward’s life. He told his wife that Vivian had been a hooker, and she soon spread it to all her friends. Stuckey then sued Edward on every possible charge he could conceive of (including damages caused to the brake pads on his Esprit Lotus).

Philip Stuckey might have been a troll, but he was a good lawyer. And so, Stuckey was a thorn in Edward’s side for years after Vivian had left him. Eventually, the two settled. Stuckey moved on. In fact, he got a plum job at one of the biggest banks in New York: Goldman Sachs. Stuckey and his wife lived it up for years and years. They eventually had a daughter named Theodora, who was an absolute brat. But Stuckey had gotten everything that he wanted. Everything was great. Well, that was until 2008. When Goldman Sachs collapsed and helped spark the Great Recession, Philip Stuckey was right in the middle of it. In fact, his fingerprints were all over it. He was one of the primary people at the company blamed and he lost everything. Stuckey found out a week later he had a blood clot in his aorta. Years of heavy, stressful living had helped put it there. Stuckey decided to overdose on pills, but he staged it like a heart attack. His wife got his insurance settlement and Stuckey saved a small sort of face. Edward Lewis did not attend his funeral.

Kit De Luca

Where We Left Her: Kit was expressing an interest in going back to school and quitting hooking while nterviewing a new roommate to replace Viv.
Where We Think She’d Be Now: Inspired by Vivian’s transformation and boosted by her money, Kit enrolled in Beauty School. It was hard for Kit to get ordered around by a brassy old broad with a Dolly Parton hairstyle, and she often wanted to quit. Carlos especially wanted Kit to quit. He kept tempting her with drugs and sex and the promise that if she pulled for him, she would “party for life.” Vivian wasn’t about to let that happen, though. She called Kit every morning and drilled her on where she had been and encouraged her to keep studying. Eventually, Kit graduated from Beauty School and managed to find a job that paid enough to get her off the street.

Kit was especially good at doing glamorous up-dos. That, plus her infectiously bawdy attitude, made her a favorite for private bookings. She got privileged rich girls ready for prom and their mothers ready for a night out on the town. She got passed around various up-and-coming starlets’ homes and did their hair before they went clubbing. When Vivian finally moved back — with David — she got an even bigger client list.

Eventually, Kit started her own freelance business. She’s bad at managing money, but every once and a while, Vivian sneaks her extra collateral. Kit settled down with Bruno, a professional pool guy she met in passing on one of her jobs. They aren’t married, but they share a bungalow with their two pit bulls. It’s not the life of Cinder-fucking-ella, but Kit’s happy. She has a warm meal every night, a great pool in her backyard, and the whole point of her business is that she says who, she says when, and she says how much her clients pay her. Only this time, she’s doing hair.

Barney Thompson

Where We Left Him: He was tasked with returning Vivian’s rented ruby necklace and strongly hinting that Edward should go after his lady love.
Where We Think He’d Be Now: After nudging Edward and Vivian back together, Barney was overcome with romanticism. He nervously called up Bridget and asked her out for dinner. There, he said that he really did love her, and he hoped they could be together in a more serious way. Bridget giggled and said, “Well, that took you long enough, didn’t it?” After a year, they were married. The Regent Beverly Wilshire let them use the grand ballroom for the reception for free, provided that they used it during the day between the breakfast and dinner services.

After a honeymoon in Hawaii, Barney and Bridget bought an apartment together. Bridget eventually managed a Louis Vuitton store on Rodeo Drive, but then she left in 1999 to pursue her love of gardening. Barney stayed at the hotel until he retired in 2012. They have a quiet life, a happy life, a life of great sex. Barney keeps busy by teaching etiquette classes. He gets a Christmas card from “the Morse family” every year. [Where to Stream Pretty Woman]

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[Photos: Everett Collection]