Would You Rather: Sherlock Holmes or Dr. John Watson From ‘Sherlock’

When a TV or movie protagonist is presented with two romantic options, it’s very likely she’ll be forced to make a difficult decision. No matter how she chooses, one thing is certain: we don’t care how she feels. Join us, as we play Would You Rather. This week, we’re doing something different: instead of arguing over a female character’s love interest, we’re cutting right to the chase and fighting over two men over whom no woman has fought: Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Dr. John Watson (Martin Freeman) from BBC’s Sherlock.

Tyler: Joel, last week’s debate ended with your sincere request that we argue over some actual adult men rather than choosing which fictional teenage boy we’d rather have sex with. I feel like that’s a pretty fair thing to ask, which is why this week we’re going with the polar opposites of teenage boys: two British guys who bicker with each other while solving fanciful crimes and cannot manage to relate to any other grown-ups. Yes, it’s Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, but WITH A TWIST: they are modern-day gents who we’d probably meet on Tinder. So, Joel, which one of these guys would you swipe left and which would you swipe right?

Joel: Tyler the answer is so obvious to me, and literally every single other thinking person on the internet, that I can’t imagine how we’re going to stretch this all out over a couple hundred words, but yeah — Sherlock Holmes as portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch. He gets all of my right swipes, woofs and unsolicited dick pics from here until eternity.

Tyler: Ugh, I knew this would happen. I knew it! First of all, I am not a Cumberbitch or whatever you people call yourselves. I don’t want to base this entirely on looks, but I have to assume you are because Sherlock Holmes is a socially inept monster, and I am guessing you really want to fuck Cumberbatch and are jumping at the opportunity now despite it being so bad for you. So, please, believe me when I say this — I don’t mean it in a completely bad way — but Benedict Cumberbatch looks, to me, like what happens if someone pulls a fire alarm while Ralph Fiennes is in the middle of getting made to look like Lord Voldemort and he has to run out of the dressing room with only half of his face covered in weird latex and makeup. I don’t want to bump into that guy on the street, you know?

Joel: Later on today, when you receive the scores of hateful tweets that you so rightfully deserve, know that you brought it on yourself. But truly, Tyler, I’m not here to tread the well worn ground of a Benedict Cumberbatch stan. I’m here today to make a case that the man he portrays — the confounding and brilliant Sherlock Holmes — can get it. Not only because he shares a face with the beautiful lizard prince of the BBC, but because there is something about his personality that makes me leak.

Tyler: Leaking brain matter, right?

Joel: Good one.

Tyler: OK, maybe it’s just me feeling a general dislike toward know-it-alls. I would never get along with Sherlock. First of all, it’s because I like to be the correct one all of the time, but I at least have the decency to not make everyone else feel like an asshole about it. Maybe that’s why I like Dr. Watson. He’s smart but quiet about it. We could talk about books and movies at home rather than loudly do so in public. I get that Sherlock is somewhere on the spectrum and can’t exactly help it, but I can certainly avoid him if possible, because he is a jerk. But, ha ha, look at me, acting like I’m all about inner beauty or whatever. I think I would just rather fuck Martin Freeman. I mean, he would probably never be my first choice, but in this scenario I would rather go for him than Cumberbatch.

Joel: I think this may have a lot to do with my relative lack of experience when it comes to love and relationships (It’s been almost a decade since I’ve had either), but, honestly, isn’t there something so much more exciting about a challenging relationship? Sherlock would frustrate me to no end, but that somehow would make knowing he chose me seem all the more gratifying — oh jesus god I’m reading that sentence now and woof. But in any case, my problems with John Watson are the same I have with Peeta last week. They both seem so soft, so emotionally pliable. What’s his deal professionally, anyway? How will he provide for me.

Tyler: Um, he is a WAR VETERAN.

Joel: Good for him.

Tyler: Don’t cut me off, Joel. I’m saying, he has seen some dark shit. And he can probably protect you from IEDs. What can Sherlock do? SOLVE MYSTERIES? Snooze. And trust me, I have dated some “challenging” people, and yeah, it’s all fun and games and madness and sparkles and intensity, but eventually you get tired and want someone to make a goddamn schedule for once in their lives and maybe call you when you’re planning to be out later than three in the morning and, hey, would it kill you to go out and get a job? WOULD IT, JOEL? Life is not all fun and games and hounds of Baskerville.

Joel: He has a job! Solving those mysteries is his job! And you get to be along for the ride for all of it. In theory, John should be able to protect you, that seems to be his function, but the track record doesn’t really look that great for him. In fact, Sherlock not only does most of the crime solving, but also most of the day saving as well. John Holmes may be a warm presence in your life, but I need more. I’m plenty warm! I want unending intrigue and adventure in and around London. Watson without Sherlock is just some vaguely haunted man who would stay at home and watch TV every night: nice, but ordinary. In this thought experiment, you can have it all, and you’d honestly choose the doughy homebody over the super genius? Expand your horizons, Coates.

Tyler: I am going to be 32 years old soon. My horizons have been expanded. I’m tired. I don’t want to worry about my boyfriend’s arch-nemesis coming after him, or possibly coming after me in order to get to him. Also, I feel like I would always be on edge. I like being chill! I live my life in a constant pursuit of chillness, and I can tell you one thing I know to be true: Sherlock is the opposite of chill. Being with Sherlock would require the constant threat of my body exploding, and not from great sex. Because here’s another thing to consider: Sherlock is way too self-centered and up his own asshole to care anything about mine.

Joel: Well, you fell for it, Tyler. You fell for the trap of Sherlock Holmes. Yes, his neutral state is selfishness (as it is for literally everyone) but he’s proved time and again that he cares for people like your precious John Watson, and the public at large! Yes, he needs his mysteries — his puzzles — to keep his brain occupied, but it’s only out of an innate sense of altruism that he turned his magnificent brain towards fighting crime and not global terrorism like his equally brilliant foe Moriarty. I can only assume that altruism would translate into the bedroom as well, where I imagine he’d not only attentive, but also dogged in his quest to unlock the puzzle that is THE MALE G-SPOT. I need no chill in my bedroom.

Tyler: If you think the secret to male orgasm is a mystery, then you and Sherlock truly deserve each other. You can have him! You take Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’ll have my precious Martin Freeman. Safe, comfy, hilariously dry. We’ll sit by the fire, alternating between cuddles and chatting about shitty the American version of The Office is. You two can go get lost on a moor or whatever.

Joel: Well I guess when you have as much experience as you do, it might seem a little more obvious. Additionally, if you both think the American Office isn’t vastly superior to the British version, you definitely deserve to die together in whatever fictional flat you’ve concocted in your brain, while I’m off saving the fucking world with my man. The bottom line is, intelligence and intensity will always trump pedestrian good looks and a sex schedule in my book. Would Sherlock be more work? Most definitely. Am I willing to work at a relationship? Um, well. Probably. I don’t really know. I’d like to think so.

Tyler: Then I leave you with this piece of advice: Turn 30. Seriously, it’s a whole new world full of drinking at home, having the utmost derision for public displays of whimsy, and accepting your own exhaustion. Plus, staying in and watching Sherlock on Netflix is a lot more fun than going out on adventures.

Joel: Which is hilarious, because I’m literally never turning 30.

PREVIOUSLY:
Would You Rather: Peeta Mellark Or Gale Hawthorne From ‘The Hunger Games’?
Would You Rather: Dean Forester Or Jess Mariano From ‘Gilmore Girls’?

 

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Photos: Everett Collection