Would You Rather: Woody vs. Buzz Lightyear From ‘Toy Story’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we settle a very controversial debate: Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

Joel: Last week, I really took you to task over your inability to really dig deep into this fun little thought experiment we’ve created for ourselves. After All, every Friday in the confines of this column, we are given the rare opportunity to do whatever — whoever — we want. We don’t have to think about our responsibilities or how tired we might be after saving London from a bomb threat or whatever your dumb concerns were over Sherlock. Here we can lean into our most base and fantastical desires. So with that in mind, let’s dish about which of these CGI toys gets your motor running more. Try to keep the puns to a minimum, Coates.

Tyler: TGIF, indeed. I’ve never thought about fucking a cartoon character, so I thank you, Joel, for giving me the opportunity for this new thought experiment. Also, strap in, because if you think I can’t make this REAL WEIRD, I’m about to prove you wrong. But let’s get it out of the way: I would pick Woody over Buzz in an INSTANT.

Joel: Woody seems like sort of the obvious choice, doesn’t he? He is after all more traditionally human in shape, more old world masculine, more phallic in shape if we want to get into that— but for me, personally, there’s something about his insecure alpha posturing in the first movie that suggests something a little ugly about Woody that makes me uncomfortable. Will forever want Buzz to take me to infinity and beyond any day.

Tyler: Shut up. You are playing Devil’s Advocate and that is INSANE. What about Buzz Lightyear could possibly rile you up?

Joel: How about fucking SPACE TRAVEL, TYLER? I, like Lance Bass before me, have a real woody for space travel.

Tyler: And I have a woody for things that look like Jake Gyllenhaal, so there. Before I can even get to Woody’s characteristics that I find so endearing, I must take this as an opportunity to psychoanalyze you (I took PSYC 101 eleven years ago, and I have watched a couple of episodes of In Treatment, so I feel comfortable doing this). I’m sensing a theme here: you always seem to go for the same kind of guy, the guy who has some sort of social barrier to break, the guy who delusions of grandeur, the guy who easily fools everyone into thinking he’s a low more awesome than he really is because he’s showy and flashy and yet, under the surface, is little more than a snake oil salesman. Buzz Lightyear is the most extreme example because, and maybe I have to remind you of this, HE IS A TOY AND REFUSES TO ACCEPT IT. HE CAN’T EVEN FLY, JOEL.

Joel: He is a product of his upbringing, that’s all. Is he a little damaged like some of my previous choices? Absolutely. Would I love him and be there for him as he transitions into toy life? Of course, because love isn’t easy, Tyler. If you want to talk about delusions — Woody holds so tightly to his role as “most popular toy” he comes unhinged and tries to murder Buzz and pushes him out a window. That’s insane. That’s literally insane and I can’t believe you’re into that kind of behavior, to be honest.

Tyler: First of all, he only tried to push him off the dresser and Buzz just happened to fall out of the window. (What a drama queen.) And at least he can do all the things he’s designed to do, which is toss lassos and be flexible. The latter is more important to me. I could really throw that guy around, ya know? Again, I’m thinking pragmatically — Woody gets shit done, whereas Buzz Lightyear is too busy learning how he’s not in outer space and he can’t fly, his own insanity getting in everybody else’s way. Woody is not perfect, for sure, but he has a stronger head and hat on his floppy shoulders. Plus, he has a better catchphrase. YEAH, I SAID IT.

Joel: Seriously? “There’s a snake in my boot?” Fuck you. “To Infinity and Beyond” is inspirational. The former is just an inane observation. You may think you could toss Woody around, but he is too much of a bossy bottom to ever let you really have control. Who knows what’s going on underneath Buzz’s space suit. Plus he’s got a Spanish side, so like. Hot.

Tyler: Nothing is going on under that space suit. The suit’s attached. It’s an exoskeleton. Good luck getting your hand under that.

Joel: I would. I would get my hand under that.

Tyler: Your hand would get chopped off by those spring-action wings. And then you’d be disappointed by how cold and uncomfortable plastic sex actually is. Also, do you really want to hear the voice of Tim Allen during sex? Thank about THAT, Joel. I mean, it’s not like Tom Hanks’ voice is gonna give anybody a boner, but Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor? No thank you!

Joel: Ok, honestly there really is no defense of that point. But: I could easily cover his mouth and figure it out from there. But “cold and uncomfortable” sounds way more appealing than soft and limp. Soft and limp with years, decades even, of emotional baggage. You really want to deal with his extended family, his insane prospector friend?

Tyler: I have no doubt Woody would be as passionate in bed as he is in every other aspect of life. He’s no limp cowboy. He’s chasing airplanes. He’s saving the day. He’s cleaning up all of Buzz’s messes. Without Woody, you’d be doing that all on your own. I don’t think you have the tissues for that.

Joel: Passionate? Try insane with jealousy! His relationship with Andy is so completely unhealthy, and if it’s any indication of how he would treat you, Tyler, it’s no good! The second you’re not 100% obsessed with him, things will turn ugly. Meanwhile, over the course of three movies, Buzz has been nothing but deferential to Andy’s wants and desires from the relationship and extremely accommodating to the other toys. Woody is annoyingly paternalistic with toys like Rex or Slink, but Buzz has always, fresh toy psychosis or not, always treated them with respect, as equals.

Tyler: Buzz Lightyear is an narcissist, so of course he doesn’t care about how Andy feels about him. In fact, he doesn’t seem to get too attached to anyone. Once again, you’re going after the most aloof option in the toy box. Having said that, I think it’s insane how we always manage to be attracted to men who are polar opposites. (I mean, I’m also glad — you’re one less gay man I have to compete with.) But here’s a question, because now I’m rather obsessed with the idea of picking other computer-generated cartoon characters to bone. Who else in Andy’s room would you play house with?

Joel: Yes we are sisters and no mister will ever get between us. As to who else in the toybox I’d like to fuck… As much as I loathe performances of masculinity, I would love like a really porny orgy with all of the Army Men, I guess. I don’t know, I think they all seem really authentic, like their machismo isn’t some show they’re just putting on for society’s benefit, and I’m really into that.

Tyler: The boring answer would be, of course, Ken. The more I think about it, though, the more I’m really into the idea of hooking up with Slinky Dog. I dunno, maybe it’s Jim Varney’s voice? It works for me. As much as I love John Ratzenberger, I’d have to pass on Hamm because I’m not into pig play.

Joel: Literally thought about Slinky Dog, too! He seems very chill.

Tyler: I bet he’s fun on stairs!

Joel: Don’t be a pervert.

 

PREVIOUSLY:
Sherlock vs. Dr. John Watson From Sherlock
Peeta Mellark vs. Gale Hawthorne From The Hunger Games
Dean Forester vs. Jess Mariano From Gilmore Girls

 

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