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Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones gave us flashbacks, backsides, and dragon fire last week, but one character was noticeably absent from the season five premiere. Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) was nowhere to be seen. That’s because Arya Stark isn’t in Westeros anymore. Our favorite bloodthirsty tween on TV finally made it to Braavos and is in search of Jaqun H’ghar. You remember that guy? Season Two? He had red and white hair and a cool accent and changed his face?

Anyway, Arya is left on the doorsteps of an ominous temple with a black and white door that’s aptly named “The House of Black and White.” An elderly monk opens said door and Arya pleads to be let in. She explains that she just literally landed at their doorstep after crossing an entire sea. “I have nowhere else to go!” The monk retorts, “You have everywhere else to go,” and then slams the door. Arya slumps on the temple steps and spends the whole night, through rain and cold, saying her “prayers.” Her kill list has shrunk considerably since Season Two. It’s now just four names: “Cersei. Walder Frey. The Mountain. Ser Meryn Trant.” When she thinks this whole “come find me in Braavos” thing is a bust, she does the tween thing and throws her special coin into the river and strikes out on her own.

Later, Arya is decapitating pigeons for dinner and starter fights with street roughs. This can-do spirit attracts the attention of the monk who turned her away earlier. He returns her coin and changes his face to Jaqen H’ghar’s.

There are riddles in Yoda-speak about how Arya must become “no one.” Arya is finally let in. Let the weirdest study abroad program ever begin!

Meanwhile, back in Westeros, something happens that is totally NOT in the books. Our favorite emo teen, Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner), is chilling with Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) in an inn. They’re talking strategy and he’s getting her drunk, like a cool uncle would. The catch? Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) and Podrick Payne are also resting there. The common folk of Westeros might not recognize Sansa Stark with a goth makeover, but Podrick Payne recognizes Tyrion’s wife. Brienne makes a big scene and she swears loyalty to Sansa, but it’s super awkward when Littlefinger is like, “LOL, hasn’t everyone you served died on your watch?”

Sansa turns Brienne down. This results in a cool violent chase scene in the woods where Brienne kills a bunch of Littlefinger’s knights and Podrick comically can’t control a horse.

Brienne isn’t going to give up, though. Saving Sansa from Littlefinger is her only chance of redemption.

In King’s Landing, Cersei (Lena Headey) is freaking out because the Martells sent her daughter’s necklace back home in the jaws of a red viper.

Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is like, “Hey, let’s not freak out and start another war,” and Cersei’s is all like, “Shut up and be a dad to our incest babies! Let’s go to war!” Jaime’s big plan is to sneak into Dorne secret agent style with the swearing sellsword Bronn. This big plan is also totally NOT in the books. While Jaime is away, Cersei is letting her pride and paranoia get in the way of ruling wisely. She is trying to control the small council in Tommen’s stead. Her open lust for power even pushes her Lannister uncle away.

At the Wall, there is even more anxiety about vengeance and blood and the fate of beloved teenaged girls. Stannis’ wife is not thrilled that her daughter, Shireen, is hanging out with Sam and Gilly. She fears the Wildlings will kill Shireen in retribution for that whole “burning their king at the stake” thing. Meanwhile, Stannis has an idea: since Jon’s least favorite member of the Night’s Watch, Ser Alliser Thorne, is poised to become the Lord Commander, why doesn’t Jon leave the Night’s Watch? If Jon bows to Stannis, then the wannabe king would legitimize Jon as a Stark, and the ruler of Winterfell. It’s a smart idea, but Jon thinks it’s more important to keep his oath than to make a strategic choice that could save countless lives.

Of course, there’s a twist: Sam nominates Jon for Lord Commander, and while he and Ser Alliser tie in the votes, blind Maester Aemon casts his pog-shaped lot for our brooding young hero.

Jon is now Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, which means there’s no way he can wiggle out of his vows now.

Over in Meereen, we still haven’t seen Daario’s penis (sorry, Anna Kendrick!), but we do see him give Grey Worm a schooling on how to find terrorists hiding in walls. While Daenerys boasted last week that she’s “a queen, not a politician,” this week she is stuck in diplomatic debate about what to do with the captured Son of the Harpy. Her former slave friend explains that the former masters want blood and vengeance. He wants Daenerys to kill the terrorist and supress her enemies with violence. Ser Barristan Selmy, on the other hand, tries to urge caution. He brings up Daenerys’ sadistic father as an example of how not to rule. So, she decides that the Sons of the Harpy should have a fair trial.

Daenerys’ loyal former-slave advisor has other ideas. He murders the captured goon and makes an example of him on the streets. He says he did for her, but Daenerys is now in a bind. She has to execute him for both his crime and his well-intentioned treason. Rather than do this in quiet, she makes it a public spectacle that pits the former slaves and former masters against each other — and against her. The entire city erupts in riot and Dany has to be kept under guard.The silver lining to all this? Drogon pays his beleaguered mom a visit before soaring once more into the skies.

Bloody vengeance may never be the right answer, but in Game of Thrones, cold-hearted justice isn’t either.

Elsewhere:

We get our first glimpse of Dorne. Oberyn’s lover, Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma), has cut her hair and is begging Oberyn’s older brother, Prince Doran Martell (Alexander Siddig), to let her torture and murder Myrcella. Doran is not cool with “mutilating little girls,” and so I’m cool with Doran.
Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Lord Varys (are road-tripping to Meereen to meet Dany. This means they have lots of time for banter and philosophizing (and Tyrion has plenty of opportunities to get drunk).
Cersei’s creepy best friend, Qyburn is playing with dwarf heads in his basement laboratory. This should end well and not at all like Frankenstein… [Where to Stream Game of Thrones]

**WHO:** Tyrion Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Tyrion spent last season being framed and convicted for his vile nephew’s murder. Then, Jaime decided to help him escape King’s Landing on the night before his scheduled execution. The one problem? During his escape, Tyrion ran into Shae cheating on him with his father. So, Tyrion became the monster that his haters always thought he was. He strangled Shae and murdered Tywin. Then, Lord Varys scooped him up and put him in a crate leaving Westeros.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lord Varys
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Getting the proverbial hell out of King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** As soon as Tywin Lannister is dead, Lord Varys flees the city with Tyrion in tow.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Cersei Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Cersei has been dealing with her son’s murder by drinking a lot and going after Tyrion for the crime. She and Jaime are drifting apart and she’s pissed off at Tywin because Tywin wants to marry her off to Ser Loras Tyrell.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jaime Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Jaime is still getting the hang of fighting with one hand. He’s also got a very pissed off Cersei to deal with. Worst of all, in an attempt to do good, Jaime freed Tyrion, which only resulted in The Imp murdering their father. Jaime has a lot to clean up next season.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Tommen Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** For now...
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Joffrey’s sweet little brother is now king…and now torn between his mother’s plots and the seductive Margaery Tyrell’s ambitions.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Margaery Tyrell
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Sleeping her way around King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Margaery is still in King’s Landing and she’s done a good enough job playing the Game of Thrones to get herself engaged to the young King Tommen. If they wed, that means she’s been the wife of three kings.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lady Oleanna Tyrell
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** She's pretty old, but yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** We haven’t seen Margaery’s grandmother too much in King’s Landing since she strongly hinted that she ordered Joffrey’s murder. We hope she comes back soon!Everett Collection

**WHO:** Sansa Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Since she's in hiding from the Lannisters, she has to dye her hair dark and wear badass costumes. This also means that she’s getting some serious one-on-one time with Littlefinger. After helping him cover up her Aunt Lysa’s murder, it looks like she’s finally starting to figure out how to be a player in the Game of Thrones and not just a pawn.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Littlefinger
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands and The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Everything seems to be coming up Littlefinger. He married Lysa and then killed her when she threatened Sansa. So, now Littlefinger has control of the young, whimpering Lord of the Vale and he has Sansa at his side. What could go wrong? Well, this is *Game of Thrones*, so presumably a lot…Everett Collection

**WHO:** Gregor “The Hound” Clegane
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands and The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?**: I guess we'll find out soon enough! **WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** After a brutal run-in with Brienne of Tarth, the Hound was down for the count — and at Arya Stark’s mercy. Rather than kill her one-time sworn enemy, Arya did something far crueler. She left him to die a slow, painful death. The question is: did he die?Everett Collection

**WHO:** Arya Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** On a boat!
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Arya is so totally done with Westeros. She finally cashed in the mysterious Braavosi coin that Jaqen H’ghar gave her and is on a boat en route to Braavos, home of the Iron Bank, the world’s best swordsmen, and people who can magically change their faces.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes and yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Brienne managed to stumble upon Arya Stark and fought the Hound in an effort to save the young girl. However, Arya turned Brienne’s help down and snuck off to Braavos. Now Brienne has to deal with her failure and with the fact that Tyrion’s stubborn squire Podrick won’t leave her alone.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Theon Greyjoy/Reek
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Winterfell
**STILL BREATHING?** He probably wishes he wasn't!
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Theon has had his psyche dismantled to the point that he not only serves Ramsay Bolton willingly, but he tricked and betrayed his own people to help the Boltons take Moat Cailin. Now, he’s serving them in Winterfell.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Roose and Ramsay Bolton
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Winterfell
**STILL BREATHING?** Unfortunately, yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Theon’s sadistic captor’s dreams came true last season: his vile father, Roose Bolton, legitimized him. Now the two hold Winterfell and the North.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Daenerys Targaryen (aka Khaleesi)
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** You betcha
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Our favorite badass queen is contending with the fact that while it might be fun to conquer a kingdom, it’s hard to rule one. Meereen is turning into a disaster zone. She can’t trust any of her closest friends, her dragons are attacking children, and some of the slaves she freed want to return to being slaves. Basically, she’s screwed (and far, far away from the Iron Throne in Westeros).Everett Collection

**WHO:** Daario Naharis
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** The sellsword charmed himself into Daenerys’ good graces by constantly winning battles and procuring her a bunch of ships — he heard she liked ships! Then, he charmed his way into her bed with his hotness. Now, he’s the queen’s trusted confident, lover, and bodyguard.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Missandei and Grey Worm
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** The former slaves are still Daenerys most trusted subjects in Meereen. Missandei is her master translator and Grey Worm is her army’s commander. However, the two keep making awkward attempts to flirt that inevitably always circle back to the fact that Grey Worm is castrated.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Ser Jorah Mormont
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Probably? He's definitely crying, too.
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Daenerys banished him after learning that he was spying on her and helped organize the attempt on her life in season one. He awkwardly professed his love and she still told him to leave her sights forever.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lord Barristan Selmy
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yep
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** He’s still hanging with Daenerys in Meereen and he’s giving her advice like, “Don’t be like your crazy, mean father.”Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Dragons
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** All three of 'em
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** No one has seen Drogon, the big black one, since it was revealed that he’s been burning and eating little kids in the Meereense countryside. To quell the public’s fear, and to calm her own nerves, Daenerys chained the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, in one of Meereen’s big pyramids.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jon Snow
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** He knows nothing! Actually, Jon’s kind of in the crapper. (Not like Tywin, though.) He was able to win over some of his Night’s Watch brethren by successfully holding off the Wildlings during the Battle of Castle Black. However, in the midst of the fight, he had to watch as his lady love, Ygritte, died in his arms. Then, he agreed to go on a suicide mission to kill Mance Rayder. Luckily, Stannis came to stop this…but we’ll get to that much later.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Her “Chinatown” Baby
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** All three of them are, yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Sam and Gilly (and baby) survived the attack on Castle Black and Gilly gave the adorable nerd a kiss. Now, they are trying to deal with the fallout of the fight while also ensuring that the Night’s Watch doesn’t turn on the Wildling girl and her baby.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre (not pictured) and their army of fanatics (and Ser Davos Seaworth, who is pictured)
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** North of the Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** After languishing on Dragonstone for a while, Stannis has finally made his move. His troops have landed north of the Wall and are at Castle Black.Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Wildings
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The North
**STILL BREATHING?** Some of 'em
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** They may have lost the Battle of Castle Black, they are still committed to their ultimate goal: to get south of the Wall and far away from the White Walkers and Others before winter comes.Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Direwolves
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** All over the place, actually
**STILL BREATHING?** Some of them, yes, but others, no :(
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Jon’s direwolf, Ghost, is skulking about somewhere in Castle Black. Bran has his direwolf, Summer, with him Beyond the Wall, and has been getting better and better at “warging” into the animal. Rickon’s direwolf, Shaggydog, is with him — wherever that may be. Arya’s direwolf, Nymeria, is presumably roaming the wilds of Westeros. And of course, Sansa’s direwolf, Lady, has been dead since season one, and Robb’s direwolf, North Wind, was murdered during the Red Wedding.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Bran Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Bran’s vision quest up North led him past Wildlings and White Walkers and Others. He’s finally rendezvoused with the legendary Children of the Forest and he’s met “the Three-Eyed Raven,” aka an ancient dude who has bonded his body with a weirwood tree. Do you think Bran’s going to be a tree? I think Bran’s going to be a tree. That will be good for Bran. He needs some direction in his life, even if that direction is just to grow leaves.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jojen and Meera Reed
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** No and yes, respectively.
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Jojen (aka the kid from *Love Actually*) is not in this photo because he did not survive being attacked by Ray Harryhausen-esque skeleton monsters beyond the wall. His sacrifice helped give his sister, Meera, Bran, and Hodor the time to escape.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Hodor
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor HODOR! (Translation: Hodor managed to escape the Others and now he’s stuck in that tree cave with Bran.)Everett Collection

**WHO:** Ellaria Sand
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Dorne
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** We last saw the Red Viper’s mistress screaming her face off after she saw the Mountain crush her lover’s skull with his bare hands. At the start of season five, Ellaria is back in her native Dorne and she is not very happy about what the Lannisters did to her love. She's not happy at all. Everett Collection

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[Photos: HBO]