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Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones opens this week inside the mysterious House of Black and White. It’s grim and creepy and we watch a guy drink poison water from a fountain and then drop dead in some kind of ritualistic suicide. You would think Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) would be in her element, but no, she’s pissed off because “Jaqen H’ghar” (Tom Wlaschiha) has her sweeping the floors. She gets a cryptic lecture about how “all men must serve” and that in order to do so she must become “no one.”

Later, Arya is mocked by another (blind) apprentice (Faye Marsay) who keeps asking her, “Who are you?” When Arya is like, “I’m no one,” she gets slapped. Jaquen enters and stops them from fighting, but points out that as long as Arya keeps her clothes and personal belongings, she can’t be truly committed to her education. So, Arya throws her clothes, her money, and the coin the original Jaqen gave her into the sea. She can’t let go of Needle, though.

After struggling with the decision to toss it away, she hides it in a pile of rocks and goes back to her dreaded sweeping. But lo! Jaqen is so proud of her that he upgrades her to corpse cleaning duty with the mean blind girl. You’re moving up, Arya Stark. You’re moving on up!

Back in King’s Landing, Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) is finally getting what she always wanted. She marries to Tommen, a pliable, sweet, “legitimate” king who is obsessed with having sex with her. Part of me wants to be like, “of course any teen boy would be thrilled to be married to Natalie Dormer,” and the other part of me realizes that this is statutory rape in the name of politics.

Of course, not everything is perfect for Margaery. Her sharp grandmother (Diana Rigg) has left the capitol and Cersei (Lena Headey) is still in the picture, vying for control over Tommen. The two women start their not-so-subtle war against each other.

In Winterfell, the Boltons are trying to rebuild Winterfell and keep control of the North. The problem? They’re not Starks and they’ve lost the help of Tywin Lannister. So, Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) decides it’s time for an alliance. Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) will marry Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner).

Wait. What? No! Huh? THIS ISN’T IN THE BOOKS! Sansa is supposed to be chilling in the Eyrie.

The next scene is literally Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) trying to convince Sansa that this departure from the good gospel of George R. R. Martin is a good idea. He appeals to her need for revenge against the man who betrayed their family and caused the death of Catelyn and Robb. “Stop being a bystander,” Littlefinger hisses in her ear. “Stop running. There’s no justice in the world, not unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.”

So, Sansa summons all of her cunning and coyness and rides back home. She’s greeted by the Boltons, sneered at by Ramsay’s harem of sociopaths, and welcomed by staff who quietly say, “the North remembers.” An ashamed Theon avoids her. Littlefinger, it seems, has no idea who Ramsay is or what he is capable of, so he only worries about assuring Roose that this marriage is a really good idea. You guys, I think Littlefinger just made his first big misstep in the proverbial Game of Thrones.

At the Wall, Jon (Kit Harington) decides that he won’t avenge the Starks. He’s not going to take Stannis’ (Stephen Dillane) offer of legitimacy, but stay as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Stannis will be marching on Winterfell in a week and leaves the issue of the Wildings to Jon. Stannis also advises Jon to deal with his enemies in the Night’s Watch and Davos (Liam Cunningham) advises Jon to get involved in the fight for Westeros.

Jon’s first big move as Lord Commander is to tell a redheaded guy that he has to dig new toilets for everyone. His second his to name his biggest foe, Ser Alliser, as First Ranger. His third is to send the cowardly Ser Janos Slynt (aka former head of the Kings Landing City Watch, Lannister crony, and dude who betrayed Ned Stark) far away to Greyguard. Slynt refuses to take Jon’s command and threatens insurrection. So, Jon does what his father taught him: he takes the onus of beheading a traitor on himself.

Jon Snow is turning into Ned Stark 2.0.

Let’s go back to King’s Landing, where nobody expects the Sparrow Inquisition. In the season premiere we found out that Cersei’s comely cousin, Lancel, had found the Seven and was part of an extreme religious sect called the Sparrows. At first it was funny, but now we see that the Sparrows are doing stuff like invading Littlefinger’s brothel and pulling the High Septon (aka the Pope of Westeros) out into the streets to be mocked for his sexual depravity.

Cersei decides to visit the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) in his little soup kitchen hovel. He keeps saying, “Oh, I’m no one special,” but he obviously is a far cannier diplomat than Cersei. He gets what he wants — his life and the removal of the High Septon from power — without even asking for it because Cersei doesn’t think of him as a threat, but possible ally.

Far away, Cersei’s greatest nemesis, her little brother Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), is going stir crazy on the road to Meereen. He insists that he and Varys (Conleith Hill) take a pit stop in Volantis. Tyrion drinks, and they see a red priestess extolling the virtues of the “Dragon Queen.” The brothels are also fans of Daenerys Targaryen; the most popular whore in Volantis is dressed like her. Tyrion decides to put the moves on sweet, lonely brunette whore, and brags that he “always pays his debts,” and has met a queen. It’s a dumb move, because he’s overheard by none other than Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen). The disgraced knight kidnaps him and ominously declares that he’s taking Tyrion to “the queen.”

Elsewhere:

Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) and Podrick are still on Sansa’s tail. They have a nice chat about how Pod became Tyrion’s squire and how Brienne met and fell for Renly. The upshot of all this is that the two get closer and Brienne promises to teach Pod how to fight.
Cersei asks Qyburn to send for Littlefinger and we get a glimpse of something stirring to life in his laboratory… [Where to Stream Game of Thrones]

**WHO:** Tyrion Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Tyrion spent last season being framed and convicted for his vile nephew’s murder. Then, Jaime decided to help him escape King’s Landing on the night before his scheduled execution. The one problem? During his escape, Tyrion ran into Shae cheating on him with his father. So, Tyrion became the monster that his haters always thought he was. He strangled Shae and murdered Tywin. Then, Lord Varys scooped him up and put him in a crate leaving Westeros.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lord Varys
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Getting the proverbial hell out of King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** As soon as Tywin Lannister is dead, Lord Varys flees the city with Tyrion in tow.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Cersei Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Cersei has been dealing with her son’s murder by drinking a lot and going after Tyrion for the crime. She and Jaime are drifting apart and she’s pissed off at Tywin because Tywin wants to marry her off to Ser Loras Tyrell.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jaime Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Jaime is still getting the hang of fighting with one hand. He’s also got a very pissed off Cersei to deal with. Worst of all, in an attempt to do good, Jaime freed Tyrion, which only resulted in The Imp murdering their father. Jaime has a lot to clean up next season.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Tommen Lannister
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** For now...
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Joffrey’s sweet little brother is now king…and now torn between his mother’s plots and the seductive Margaery Tyrell’s ambitions.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Margaery Tyrell
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Sleeping her way around King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Margaery is still in King’s Landing and she’s done a good enough job playing the Game of Thrones to get herself engaged to the young King Tommen. If they wed, that means she’s been the wife of three kings.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lady Oleanna Tyrell
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** King's Landing
**STILL BREATHING?** She's pretty old, but yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** We haven’t seen Margaery’s grandmother too much in King’s Landing since she strongly hinted that she ordered Joffrey’s murder. We hope she comes back soon!Everett Collection

**WHO:** Sansa Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Since she's in hiding from the Lannisters, she has to dye her hair dark and wear badass costumes. This also means that she’s getting some serious one-on-one time with Littlefinger. After helping him cover up her Aunt Lysa’s murder, it looks like she’s finally starting to figure out how to be a player in the Game of Thrones and not just a pawn.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Littlefinger
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands and The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Everything seems to be coming up Littlefinger. He married Lysa and then killed her when she threatened Sansa. So, now Littlefinger has control of the young, whimpering Lord of the Vale and he has Sansa at his side. What could go wrong? Well, this is *Game of Thrones*, so presumably a lot…Everett Collection

**WHO:** Gregor “The Hound” Clegane
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands and The Vale
**STILL BREATHING?**: I guess we'll find out soon enough! **WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** After a brutal run-in with Brienne of Tarth, the Hound was down for the count — and at Arya Stark’s mercy. Rather than kill her one-time sworn enemy, Arya did something far crueler. She left him to die a slow, painful death. The question is: did he die?Everett Collection

**WHO:** Arya Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** On a boat!
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Arya is so totally done with Westeros. She finally cashed in the mysterious Braavosi coin that Jaqen H’ghar gave her and is on a boat en route to Braavos, home of the Iron Bank, the world’s best swordsmen, and people who can magically change their faces.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Riverlands
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes and yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Brienne managed to stumble upon Arya Stark and fought the Hound in an effort to save the young girl. However, Arya turned Brienne’s help down and snuck off to Braavos. Now Brienne has to deal with her failure and with the fact that Tyrion’s stubborn squire Podrick won’t leave her alone.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Theon Greyjoy/Reek
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Winterfell
**STILL BREATHING?** He probably wishes he wasn't!
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Theon has had his psyche dismantled to the point that he not only serves Ramsay Bolton willingly, but he tricked and betrayed his own people to help the Boltons take Moat Cailin. Now, he’s serving them in Winterfell.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Roose and Ramsay Bolton
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Winterfell
**STILL BREATHING?** Unfortunately, yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Theon’s sadistic captor’s dreams came true last season: his vile father, Roose Bolton, legitimized him. Now the two hold Winterfell and the North.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Daenerys Targaryen (aka Khaleesi)
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** You betcha
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** Our favorite badass queen is contending with the fact that while it might be fun to conquer a kingdom, it’s hard to rule one. Meereen is turning into a disaster zone. She can’t trust any of her closest friends, her dragons are attacking children, and some of the slaves she freed want to return to being slaves. Basically, she’s screwed (and far, far away from the Iron Throne in Westeros).Everett Collection

**WHO:** Daario Naharis
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** The sellsword charmed himself into Daenerys’ good graces by constantly winning battles and procuring her a bunch of ships — he heard she liked ships! Then, he charmed his way into her bed with his hotness. Now, he’s the queen’s trusted confident, lover, and bodyguard.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Missandei and Grey Worm
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** The former slaves are still Daenerys most trusted subjects in Meereen. Missandei is her master translator and Grey Worm is her army’s commander. However, the two keep making awkward attempts to flirt that inevitably always circle back to the fact that Grey Worm is castrated.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Ser Jorah Mormont
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Probably? He's definitely crying, too.
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Daenerys banished him after learning that he was spying on her and helped organize the attempt on her life in season one. He awkwardly professed his love and she still told him to leave her sights forever.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Lord Barristan Selmy
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** Yep
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** He’s still hanging with Daenerys in Meereen and he’s giving her advice like, “Don’t be like your crazy, mean father.”Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Dragons
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Mereen
**STILL BREATHING?** All three of 'em
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** No one has seen Drogon, the big black one, since it was revealed that he’s been burning and eating little kids in the Meereense countryside. To quell the public’s fear, and to calm her own nerves, Daenerys chained the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, in one of Meereen’s big pyramids.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jon Snow
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** He knows nothing! Actually, Jon’s kind of in the crapper. (Not like Tywin, though.) He was able to win over some of his Night’s Watch brethren by successfully holding off the Wildlings during the Battle of Castle Black. However, in the midst of the fight, he had to watch as his lady love, Ygritte, died in his arms. Then, he agreed to go on a suicide mission to kill Mance Rayder. Luckily, Stannis came to stop this…but we’ll get to that much later.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Her “Chinatown” Baby
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** All three of them are, yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Sam and Gilly (and baby) survived the attack on Castle Black and Gilly gave the adorable nerd a kiss. Now, they are trying to deal with the fallout of the fight while also ensuring that the Night’s Watch doesn’t turn on the Wildling girl and her baby.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre (not pictured) and their army of fanatics (and Ser Davos Seaworth, who is pictured)
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** North of the Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** After languishing on Dragonstone for a while, Stannis has finally made his move. His troops have landed north of the Wall and are at Castle Black.Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Wildings
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** The North
**STILL BREATHING?** Some of 'em
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** They may have lost the Battle of Castle Black, they are still committed to their ultimate goal: to get south of the Wall and far away from the White Walkers and Others before winter comes.Everett Collection

**WHO:** The Direwolves
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** All over the place, actually
**STILL BREATHING?** Some of them, yes, but others, no :(
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Jon’s direwolf, Ghost, is skulking about somewhere in Castle Black. Bran has his direwolf, Summer, with him Beyond the Wall, and has been getting better and better at “warging” into the animal. Rickon’s direwolf, Shaggydog, is with him — wherever that may be. Arya’s direwolf, Nymeria, is presumably roaming the wilds of Westeros. And of course, Sansa’s direwolf, Lady, has been dead since season one, and Robb’s direwolf, North Wind, was murdered during the Red Wedding.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Bran Stark
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Bran’s vision quest up North led him past Wildlings and White Walkers and Others. He’s finally rendezvoused with the legendary Children of the Forest and he’s met “the Three-Eyed Raven,” aka an ancient dude who has bonded his body with a weirwood tree. Do you think Bran’s going to be a tree? I think Bran’s going to be a tree. That will be good for Bran. He needs some direction in his life, even if that direction is just to grow leaves.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Jojen and Meera Reed
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** No and yes, respectively.
**WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?** Jojen (aka the kid from *Love Actually*) is not in this photo because he did not survive being attacked by Ray Harryhausen-esque skeleton monsters beyond the wall. His sacrifice helped give his sister, Meera, Bran, and Hodor the time to escape.Everett Collection

**WHO:** Hodor
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Beyond The Wall
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HIS DEAL?** Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor HODOR! (Translation: Hodor managed to escape the Others and now he’s stuck in that tree cave with Bran.)Everett Collection

**WHO:** Ellaria Sand
**LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS:** Dorne
**STILL BREATHING?** Yes
**WHAT'S HER DEAL?** We last saw the Red Viper’s mistress screaming her face off after she saw the Mountain crush her lover’s skull with his bare hands. At the start of season five, Ellaria is back in her native Dorne and she is not very happy about what the Lannisters did to her love. She's not happy at all. Everett Collection

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[Photos: HBO]