‘Teen Witch’ At 25: Still Angst-Ridden, Still Weird, Still Horny As Hell

Even if you’re not familiar with Teen Witch, the 1989 teen romantic fantasy in which a teenager receives some extraordinary powers on her sixteenth birthday and, naturally, uses them to climb the complicated social ladder at her suburban high school, you surely know one of the infamous scenes: a cringe-worthy hip-hop battle between two white kids represents how an art form moved quickly from urban centers to the middle of suburbia (thanks to opportunistic music and movie executives).

Seem familiar? Good. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time to pay homage to what is perhaps one of the weirdest teen comedies of the last three decades — a strange amalgamation of Teen Wolf (upon which it was inspired) and Pretty in Pink, with some touches of Grease thrown in for good measure.

Released in wide release on this day in 1989, Teen Witch was an instant flop (it hit theaters a week after Field of Dreams and Pet Sematary, leaving it immediately DOA). Through its cable syndication in the ’90s, however, the movie has established a cult following among a certain generation of kids who caught the movie on HBO, the Disney Channel, or, nowadays, ABC Family.

Robyn Lively (Blake‘s older half-sister) stars as Louise Miller, a lovely young outcast who, despite her good looks (there’s one teen movie trope the movie refuses to shake off even as it opens) is a bit of an outcast. She’s a nerd, not a cheerleader, so her classmates naturally consider her a weirdo. At least one teacher, a cruelly fey man who teaches her English, delights in mortifying her in front of the rest of her class.

In general, Louise is too sweet and too kind to fit in. Plus, this is what she has to compete against:

Oh, yeah, the movie is sort of a musical — in the sense that there are just three completely out of place and bat-shit crazy musical numbers. While I imagine I got a big kick out of those songs as a kid (I did, and still, love musicals, after all), it was around this part while rewatching the film that I wondered, “Oh dear, why did I love this stupid movie?”

And then there was Brad.

Oh my God. Braddddddddd.

And then I remembered why I was obsessed with Teen Witch.

If Tina Belcher is the epitome of modern-day teenage girl sexuality in all its weird, awkward glory, then Louise Miller was her ’80s predecessor. Louise is, like, a total horndog for Brad: writing missives in her diary (which recall Tina Belcher’s erotic friend fiction), Louise has plenty of ideas of what she’d get up to with Brad if only the most popular hunk in school would pay her any attention.

That is, of course, where the “witch” part of the title comes in. On a dark and stormy night, Louise meets Madame Serena, a daffy psychic played by Zelda Rubinstein (who is best known as the tiny clairvoyant in Poltergeist). It’s then that Serena reveals Louise’s true identity: she’s the reincarnation of a witch, and upon her sixteenth birthday (which is fast approaching, conveniently), she’ll regain her powers — which are delivered to her in a spooky amulet she finds in the high school costume shop while working as an assistant for the upcoming school play. (Guess which boy is playing the lead, by the way.)

Soon Louise realizes the strength of her powers: she can turn her disgusting, annoying brother in a dog, she can make a nerdy, yet aggressive, date vanish, and, with the help of a voodoo doll, she equally humiliates her English teacher in front of the entire school. That’s Teen Witch‘s true appeal: it is, at its center, a high school revenge story — like Carrie, but nobody really gets hurt.

Most importantly, Louise uses her talents to become the most popular girl in town, completely shirking off her Jewess best friend Polly (the one you saw above rapping) for the tall, skinny, cheerleading WASPs who rule the school. And, of course, she nails Brad in an abandoned shack in the woods while the most erotic saxophone player blows his horn somewhere in the distance.

This movie was literally every teenage girl and gay boy’s fantasy. And that’s exactly why it became such a cult classic.

Like all teenage movies, though, Teen Witch has a lesson. Polly calls Louise out for being a total phony, and Louise, of course, is too sweet and kind to truly take advantage of everyone like this — she, after all, wants to be liked for who she really is, not for her witchy powers. And that’s why she refuses to be Brad’s date to the prom despite his protests — but, obviously, she shows up anyway (with Madame Serena as her date), takes off her amulet, and is surprised (even if we necessarily aren’t) that Brad likes her anyway.

Aw, he loves her despite the tutu attached to her dress! It’s a dream come true.

It’s hard to be too hard on this silly little movie, even if it’s completely bonkers and preposterous. While watching it again, I felt a wave of nostalgia crash over me — remembering my own awkward teenage years and needing, despite it being probably terrible for me (in the sense that it’s completely unrealistic and whatever), Teen Witch to exist. It’s totally stupid fantasy dreck, but it’s fun fantasy dreck, and that’s why it’s built its audience of weirdos throughout the years who still know the words to its dumb rap scenes and pine away from Brad in that sleeveless shirt. May teens forever more themselves wandering to that deserted love shack in their dreams!

 

Like what you see? Follow Decider on Facebook and Twitter to join the conversation, and sign up for our email newsletters to be the first to know about streaming movies and TV news!

Photos: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer