Would You Rather: Captain America Or Iron Man From ‘The Avengers’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we tackle the two leading men of the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Captain America (Chris Evans) and Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.)?

Tyler: Joel, I know you care deeply about The Avengers. I, on the other hand, do not. Yet I can recognize when it’s time to put aside my personal preferences and pick a cinematic duo to debate you with when there’s a timely reason to do so (The Avengers: Age of Ultron at a theater near you TODAY!). I know which of these two guys I would pick, but first — should we discuss why we ruled them out of the five eligible superheroes?

Joel: I think that’s fair.

Tyler: As far as I’m concerned, the Hulk is too temperamental (which is perhaps too on-the-nose, but seriously: I don’t want him to break my bed and/or me), Thor is too fond of big hammers, and Hawkeye… Well, I don’t really even know much about Hawkeye, but I think we all know that Jeremy Renner would probably come try to beat us both up if we made jokes about fucking him, you know? Also, I only have sex with feminists.

Joel: Thor is a commuter, so he barely counts as an Avenger anyway.

Tyler: That’s true, although let’s try to avoid the argument we’ve previously had about whether or not Thor is an alien (he is, of course) and get right to the important stuff. If given the choice, I would obviously, clearly, naturally wrap Captain America’s massive biceps around me and fall into a deep, content slumber and feeling safe and protected in a post-Ultron world.

Joel: So boring! So obvious! Captain America: the prototypical all-American love interest! No thanks. For this round I will be advocating for Robert Downey, Jr.’s quippy guy in a metal suit, Iron Man. We can argue aesthetics all day (and I have no doubt we will) but let’s for a second address the most glaring difference between these two boys: Captain America is literally stuck in an old-world black and white line of thinking while Iron Man has a well developed interior life full of complexity. If you want a buff, boring conservative boy scout… Have fun with that.

Tyler: You’re right! That’s exactly what I want! A boring guy with beautiful eyes, face, abs, and arms. Oh, and that butt. I mean, hello, this is all I ask from my superheroes. And I think it should come as no surprise, given my track record, that Iron Man gives me the opposite of a boner. I hate the swag, the weak heart, and Robert Downey, Jr.’s tendency to wear tinted sunglasses. I don’t even know if he does wear them, but he seems like the tinted sunglasses and frosted tips kinda guy when I picture him in my brain. I’ve never been into him and his appeal has always astounded me (much like Johnny Depp’s, which is the subject of another debate, I’m sure).

Joel: I can’t even fucking believe you’d bring up RDJ and Johnny Depp in the same sentence. Even separated by a parenthetical — I’m appalled. Iron Man is just as cut as Captain America and just as beautiful, but had the good sense to develop a personality. He creates things, Tyler. He’s practically an artist. A few good fucks later and how exactly are you going to spend your time with Steve Rogers? Watching him do laps and trying to explain why you can’t say “oriental” anymore? Think in the long term.

Tyler: Yeah, yeah, I get that Iron Man or whatever his real name (Tony Robbins? Ned Stark? Whatevs) “invents things.” But, look, my days on OKCupid taught me that I have a total gag reflex when it comes to the word “entrepreneur.” Swipe left on that shit. Captain America is noble, if flawed. Iron Man is a cocky rich motherfucker and, essentially, THE REAL ENEMY. Do not make me pull out my vague understanding of Marxism just to rationalize why I want to rub my face up and down Chris Evans’ stomach, Joel.

Joel: The Enemy?? You are insane. He created a clean, renewable power source for an entire city! Meanwhile you want to stick your p in the b of someone who is entrenched in the American military killing industrial complex regime!! Get your head on straight, Tyler. Read a book! Tony Stark has gone through a journey — from a playboy with substance abuse issues to a hero willing to sacrifice his life for the entire world. Steve Rogers was just some scrawny kid who eventually became a science experiment.

Tyler: Wow. Usually I’m the one accused of being a Social Justice Warrior, but, seriously. Joel. I’m just talking about which one of these two I want to blow.

Joel: Wake up! You’re not just accepting a penis into your mouth, you’re also accepting a worldview. Would you accept a festering, rotten penis into your mouth? No. And neither should you accept Captain America’s backwards, puritanical worldview.

Tyler: I hate that this has turned into a philosophical argument. Like, I’m already exhausted by the idea of Captain America’s forearms working overtime while giving HJs. And I hate HJs!

Joel: Let me ask you this: Have you ever fucked a guy who looks like Chris Evans? Those bulging muscles and pretty face are all good in theory. On paper. But in practice there’s no way someone like him knows what it’s actually like to have to work in bed. I bet he’d just sort of lie there like a dead fish and let you squeeze and poke about his biceps and obliques to your heart’s content, which sounds like it would be interesting for about five (OK,  twenty) minutes. RDJ, and by extension his portrayal of Tony Stark, is scrappy and funny. I’ll take creativity and passion in bed over pure aesthetics any day.

Tyler: You got me there, Joel. No, I have not had the GOOD FORTUNE to have sex with a guy who looks like Chris Evans. (Check your privilege, btw!) Meanwhile, the one guy who laughed the most during sex — with me, not at me, thank you very much — then decided that I wasn’t worth hanging out with again. So, sure, I’d rather go for biceps and entitlement if the guy will stick around (and, look, Captain America seems loyal if anything else) over, uh, some billionaire playboy.

Joel: I love sluts like Tony Stark, because when they do stick around, they stick around for you. Not out of some weird promise ring sense of loyalty, but because he wants you. Sex and relationships are a competition and you’ve got to wear someone down with your personality over time until they finally feel like you’re as good as they’ll ever get and then have to stay with you. Iron Man feels like he’d be a worthy adversary in that respect, while Captain America seems like he’d cave pretty easily.

Tyler: “Sluts like Tony Stark?” Now who’s problematic, Joel? You sound like Hawkeye.

Joel: It was a subtle wink to current events, Tyler!

Tyler: Very good editorial strategy. Now, should we pick one other Avenger and discuss why, if given the chance, we would have sex with them? If only to make Jeremy Renner uncomfortable.

Joel: I think since they’ve released so much of it via trailers already, we should speculate about which NEW Avenger we’d most like to bone.

Tyler: Oh, which ones are new? Remember, I know nothing about these idiots. I saw the first movie on a half-date, which is the best way to describe sharing a one-hitter on a Chelsea sidewalk and then getting an uninspired OTP crotch rub during one of the bajillion fight scenes.

Joel: What is it like not to know joy, Tyler Coates?

Tyler: It involves listening to a lot of showtunes, often alone.

Joel: Ugh. I choose Aaron Taylor-Johnson, because he’s cute and and does that funny accent, blah blah blah. Choose Paul Bettany’s Vision and we can end this thing.

Tyler: Paul Bettany’s back?! Well, I’m glad this franchise is finally proving its worth.

Joel: I hate you.

 

PREVIOUSLY:
Dr. Alan Grant vs. Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park
Drew Scott vs. Jonathan Scott from Property Brothers
Woody vs. Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story
Sherlock vs. Dr. John Watson From Sherlock
Peeta Mellark vs. Gale Hawthorne From The Hunger Games
Dean Forester vs. Jess Mariano From Gilmore Girls

 

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