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Game of Thrones

Last night “the thing” happened on Game of Thrones. What thing? The terrible thing that Sansa Stark fans have been dreading all season. Yes, she finally married Ramsay Bolton, but before we get to that, let’s check back in with her little sister, Arya. Turns out both sisters were in for a rude awakening…

Back In Braavos…

Arya Stark is dealing with a slight identity crisis. The question that she’s constantly tortured with at the House of Black and White is “Does she want to give up being Arya Stark or not?” She fails miserably at playing “the game of faces,” and gets repeatedly whipped for being a terrible liar. She insists that she hated the Hound, but “Jaqen” says that she’s lying to him, the Many-Faced God, and herself.

Still, Arya is not the same girl we used to know. She tricks a father into poisoning his dying daughter, thereby giving the House of Black and White another corpse to clean and keep. For this act, she is finally told where all the bodies go. There’s an underground vault full of faces — the faces of the dead — that the Faceless take on at their will.

As Jaqen tells Arya, “No, a girl is not ready to become no one. But she’s ready to become someone else.”

At Winterfell…

Do you know something? For a while there, I really did think that Sansa Stark had become someone else. I thought that the years of being picked apart and emotionally tortured by Cersei, by Joffrey, by Lysa, and, yes, by Littlefinger, had transformed her into a startlingly savvy young woman. There was even an amazing moment in tonight’s episode where Myranda — Ramsay’s psychotic lover — tries to intimidate Sansa before her wedding. She washes the black dye out of Sansa’s hair and tells her all about the horrific things that Ramsay has done to the women who “bored” him.

Sansa, then, turns to her and says, “I’m Sansa Stark of Winterfell, bitch.”

No, she actually says, “I’m Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home and you cannot frighten me.”

It’s a pretty baller moment, but she’s lying to herself, to Myranda, and to all of us. Underneath the vampy costumes and haughty sneers, she’s still the innocent girl who once begged her mother to let her marry Prince Joffrey.

We see this later, when Sansa gets dressed up like a delicate snowbird and a heartbroken Theon gives her away to Ramsay in the Godswood. While Ramsay looks like the cat who ate the cream, both Sansa and Theon look understandably apprehensive about this union. Theon even almost breaks when he calls himself, “Theon Greyjoy, her father’s ward.”

Sansa is finally broken when Ramsay takes her to bed. He forces her dress open and then forces himself up on her. What’s worse is we only see this horror from Theon’s eyes — he has been ordered to stay and watch Ramsay rape the little girl he grew up with.

It’s interesting to not that while this is an obviously horrific scene, it’s not much different from what Khal Drogo did to Daenerys in the show’s pilot.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Littlefinger might be the one person with the confidence to stand up to the Faith Militant. When Lancel tries to intimidate him, Littlefinger smartly retorts, “We both peddle fantasies. Mine just happen to be entertaining.”

Later, Littlefinger sells Cersei on the idea that the Boltons have kidnapped Sansa and arranged the marriage on their own. He wants to let Stannis take Winterfell, and then he’ll use the Knights of the Vale to take it back for the Crown. He asserts his loyalty to Tommen by requesting the North for himself.

Cersei agrees, but that’s probably because she is feeling rather smug. After Olyvar sells Ser Loras out, the Faith Militant have enough to charge him in a formal trial. They also have grounds to throw Margaery in prison for lying under oath to protect her brother. Cersei is loving all of this, but now she has a bigger foe to contend with: “The Queen of Thorns,” Oleanna Tyrell, is back in King’s Landing and unafraid to threaten Cersei to save her grandchildren. Of course, Cersei doesn’t know that Oleanna killed Joffrey…

What’s Happening In Dorne?

Jaime and Bronn arrive in the Water Gardens just in time to catch Myrcella making out with Trystan Martell.

Of course, they also arrive just in time to collide with the Sand Snakes.

The fight is halted when Prince Doran’s private guard arrives.

And that’s pretty much what happened in Dorne. Fun, right?

Wherever Tyrion & Jorah are…

After being attacked by Stone Men, Tyrion and Ser Jorah have started to bond like bros. Tyrion tells Jorah about how he killed Tywin and then the dwarf has to break the bad news that Jorah’s father, Lord Commander Mormont, was murdered by his own mutinous men. This cool “road trip” vibe is soon ruined when a band of slavers capture them.

Tyrion manages to stave off his own murder with his quick tongue and convinces the slavers that Jorah is a great pit fighter. Why is that important? Because now Jorah and Tyrion now have a conveniently free ride to Meereen.

Watch out, Dany! Ser Jorah is coming back to you! And he’s bringing a Lannister! [Where to Stream Game of Thrones]

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[Photos: HBO]