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Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, two of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s star pupils go head-to-head: Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint).

Joel: Well we’re really going for it this week, aren’t we. I don’t know about you Tyler, but this is an especially fraught matchup for me, because I have a lot of feelings about this franchise. Obviously the visuals we’ll be discussing will largely be drawn from their movie counterparts (in their latter years, we aren’t perverts), but I am definitely of that sect of Millennials that were consuming these books like the hypothetical crack cocaine that none of us have ever really sampled. Some of my fondest memories from middle school on into college have centered around these stories, and honestly: I could feel it, Tyler. I could feel you rolling your eyes just after they crossed over that part of the sentence — but I don’t care! I won’t let your judgement get me down now that I’m a fully grown adult, just like I didn’t let them get me down when those boys threw rocks at me while I was reading The Goblet of Fire outside of the library when I was in the seventh grade.

Tyler: As an older, and wiser, human being, I will allow you to have your adorable little nostalgia fest and possibly also blow your mind: I, too, read these books in high school. Well, SOME of them… I think the first three were published by the time I got to college, and since I am a cultural savant with my fingers on the pulse, you know I had read the books before they were a full-blown craze. Yes, I saw the first movie on opening night (my freshman year of college! I went with some kids who lived in the “substance-free” freshman dorm if you’d like to know what kind of cool kids I hung out with when I was 18). Yes, I read every book voraciously. But here’s the thing: while I participated in the trend, I wouldn’t even describe myself as a Harry Potter fanatic. I can only imagine that you are an obsessive, because if I’ve learned anything about you in our relatively brief friendship, it’s that you don’t casually enjoy anything.

Joel: Very true. I’m a passionate guy and, whether it be people or things, I either love you or hate you — there’s no in between. Much like a character on a Real Housewives franchise. But let’s quit dallying about. When I suggested this matchup, I’m not sure I had actually thought about the question at hand, so let me pose it to you first: Harry or Ron, Tyler?

Tyler: This is a really hard question and I’m not sure I can pick one. Can you go first? Help me through this.

Joel: It’s not exactly an easy choice for me either. There’s a lot to say about both of these boys, both good and bad. While much of the series focuses on them, I don’t think I’m alone in saying that they’re both kind of the worst in a lot of ways, and would be dead several times over due to their general immaturity, without the constant intervention of Hermione (who would be the obvious choice in any of these competitions had we included women into this equation). But when I really think about it, I think I’d honestly have to go with Ron Weasley.

Tyler: OK, I am fine with that. Actually, thank you for taking the pressure off of me having to imagine sex with another redhead. Instead, I can easily argue hate-fucking Harry Potter. Because my other issue with this week’s matchup is that I think Harry Potter is kind of an entitled asshole. But he’s an entitled asshole who doesn’t have red hair, so…

Joel: Oh I don’t see that at all! Maybe the asshole part, but I never got the sense that he was super entitled. But then again, my reasoning for choosing Ron over Harry is that I think I relate more to Harry (troubled home life, adoption, lived in a closet for a long time) and truly believe that there can only be one “star” in the relationship and that would have to be me.

Tyler: Well, I say “entitled” because he’s, like, a child celebrity at his wizarding school and I feel like he gets away with EVERYYYTHINNNNGGGGGG like sneaking around after dark in an invisible cloak even though he’s not allowed and when he’s caught Maggie Smith and whoever happens to be playing Dumbledore at the time is all Team Potter about it. Like, I get why Draco Malfoy is so angry.

Joel: Draco is so angry because he was raised by a family of genocidal fanatics. Family is big in these books, which is another way I relate to Harry. We both have a big, wonderful chosen family. But Ron is really the only one you see with a loving, supportive unchosen family and that’s something I’ve always wanted to marry into. Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I’ve chosen Ron in large part because of factors that have absolutely nothing to do with him? I think Ron would hate that. I mean, presumably any human would hate that, but I think this would feed a lot of Ron’s existing complexes.

Tyler: You mean, being surrounded by a bunch of other redheads? That sounds like my nightmare. I mean, English magical boarding school also doesn’t sound like a dream, but I guess that’s what sets me apart from your typical Harry Potter fan… That and the fact that I don’t particularly care for Harry himself. Like, he just kinda of walks scar-first, you know? “Hello, I am Harry Potter. I am famous and bad people want to kill me.” He kind of has a victim complex going for him. Yet, Daniel Radcliffe. He’s cute! And he’s so petite, which you may remember from my love of The Hunger Games’ Peeta Mellark that I love a tiny man.

Joel: No, no, no, no, no. You are so dead wrong about Harry. He would be perfectly happy to be normal; he craves it, and rarely wants to use his fame (something that he had very little to do with) to get ahead. That’s why Ron is the ultimate sidekick. For much of the series he’s happy to treat Harry like a normal human, and recognize that, at his core, Harry is just a mediocre schmuck just like him. Ron is the kind of presence I need in my life. Someone who will stay at home with the kids and support me while I do my thing, but at the end of the day will continue to treat me like a the talentless hack that I am.

Tyler: I mean, I would like that, too! Do you think I could get him to dye his hair? I mean, he has pretty nice arms.

Joel: He would never. He has too much integrity. His red hair is a trademark of him and his entire family!

Tyler: You keep talking a lot about the greater Weasley clan. Is this just a way to marry into that family and fuck all of them? You don’t have to answer that. Instead, can we pivot this conversation and talk about which other characters in the Harry Potter universe we, or at least I, would pick over these two?

Joel: Oh, I mean where to even begin? There are so many actual, honest hunks in this franchise, I’m not even sure Harry or Ron would make my top ten.

Tyler: Let’s do a Would You Rather sudden death then. We’ll each name three pairs. No explaining — just go with your gut and, well, you know what else to go with.

Joel: Ok, easy (but hard) first match-up: Viktor Krum or Cedric Diggory?

Tyler: Viktor Krum. Duh. OK, how about… Neville Longbottom or Seamus Finnegan?

Joel: Are you fucking kidding me? Neville may be a long term investment, but Neville all day every day, thanks. Arthur Weasley or Lucius Malfoy?

Tyler: MALFOY. That hair (yep), plus Jason Isaacs. No contest. OK, this might be tough for you: Severus Snape or Remus Lupin?

Joel: You know, despite a confusion and lifelong attraction to Alan Rickman, I’ve gotta give this one to Remus. Sexy godfather wolf men will always flip all my switches. How about Hagrid or Voldemort?

Tyler: I like Hagrid’s rugged nature, and I feel like Dumbledore is basic. Speaking of Dumbledore, here’s my final question: Richard Harris’ Dumbledore or Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore?

Joel: I just spent a few minutes researching what both of these dudes looked like as younger versions of themselves, and I while I know I wouldn’t get young Dumbledore, I guess I would have to go with Gambon? Also— you’re a monster!

Tyler: Just consider me your own personal Voldemort.

PREVIOUSLY:
Max Rockatansky vs. Nux from Mad Mad: Fury Road
Ennis Del Mark vs. Jack Twist from Brokeback Mountain
Tim Taylor vs Al Borland from Home Improvement
Captain America vs. Iron Man from The Avengers
Dr. Alan Grant vs. Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park
Drew Scott vs. Jonathan Scott from Property Brothers
Woody vs. Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story
Sherlock vs. Dr. John Watson From Sherlock
Peeta Mellark vs. Gale Hawthorne From The Hunger Games
Dean Forester vs. Jess Mariano From Gilmore Girls

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