Would You Rather: Captain James T. Kirk or Spock From ‘Star Trek’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we go into the final frontier to see which space hottie could man the Enterprise once and for all: Star Trek‘s Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) or Spock (Zachary Quinto).

Joel: Tyler, we’ve made it! Summer movie season is upon us in all its schlocky glory. We’ve got CGI dinosaurs, CGI robots, CGI aliens, CGI moms! What a time to be alive! I don’t know about you, but I love a good summer tentpole, from goofy originals from the likes of Brad Bird to the rebooted remains of stale old properties (who wants to see The Man from U.N.C.L.E. with me at midnight?). Truth be told, though it’s not exactly a popular opinion, I especially like the latter. There’s something about the same old shit getting tossed and turned by new hands that satiates a cold, dead part of my soul. Arguably one of the more successful of these reboots in recent years was the Star Trek remake helmed by J.J. Abrams — a man who seems to be making a career out of reimagining beloved nerd properties. But while Abrams’ creative voice may have had a lot to do with the initial success of Star Trek (and the loss of all that goodwill with Star Trek Into Darkness), much of its positive reception is a result of the likability and chemistry between the movie’s two stars: Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, stepping into the legendary roles of Captain Kirk and Lt. Commander Spock, respectively. Big shoes to fill indeed, and I think they more than acquitted themselves here. What about you, Tyler? Do you have a boner for the reboot, too?

Tyler: Joel, I went to see the first Star Trek movie one afternoon after having a boozy brunch with friends, and we all expected to hate it. Yes, we’d be miserable, but we’d be miserable in air conditioning. Getting there right before the movie started also meant we had awful seats in the front row of the theater. I should have hated every second of it. BUT I LOVED IT. IT’S SO MUCH FUN! Apparently I really like Star Trek. Who knew?!

Joel: My heart has always belonged to Star Wars (I own nearly every EU novelization) and therefore never really had much use for Star Trek. The only Trek movie I’d seen prior to the reboot is the one where the mom from 7th Heaven hugs a whale. I was not that impressed. Additionally, I was primed to dislike this movie as well, because I watched it one night alone with my mom after getting in a fight with her over whether or not I could drink wine with my chinese takeout (I was 24 years old at the time, mom). But like you I was pleasantly surprised. What was even more surprising for me was hot hot onscreen (and offscreen) chemistry between Chris Pine and freshly minted homosexual Zachary Quinto.

Tyler: I’d also only seen the whale one, too, which I think is fitting because I’m still convinced that whales are aliens after getting high and watching Blue Planet (recommended, btw). Was Quinto out at the time? I can’t remember when that happened — I’ll have to confer with my Quinto Files when I get home later — but I do vaguely remember people being like, “Can A GAY play Spock?” Like, duh, we can do anything. Except get married in some states. Or adopt children. Or donate blood, which I’m frankly grateful for because I have an political excuse rather than, “Oh, uh, I don’t like needles?”

Joel: Zachary Quinto specifically can do anything, specifically to me, specifically in bed, specifically sexually. Spock. I choose Spock.

Tyler: Of course you do. Of course you pick the half-Vulcan who barely emotes. Maybe if Winona Ryder hadn’t died in that movie, I would, too, because then Winona Ryder would be my mother-in-law. But alas. Wait, alas? No, fuck that. I’m happy with my pick: Kirk. Beautiful, handsome, sexy Kirk.

Joel: I’m willing to admit that Kirk is a fine looking dude, but as far as this competition goes, that’s all he’s really bringing to the table. Yes Spock barely reveals his emotions, and yes that is an attractive trait to me — I EMOTE ENOUGH FOR TWO PEOPLE — but beyond that, Spock gets shit done. He’s smart, brave and a good leader. He’s everything Kirk is without all that obnoxious bravado. I can put up with a few cultural differences if he’s otherwise the perfect package.

Tyler: He’s not the perfect package, and neither is Kirk. That’s why they work so well together, Joel: they complete each other. Spock is level-headed and mathematical, Kirk is romantic and adventurous. And that’s why I’d go with Kirk in this situation: I’m level-headed and mathematical. OK, I gave up after pre-calc, but you know what I mean. (Thank God my mother, who was a mathematician, refuses to read this column because she’d give me a lot of shit for this.) And appearance alone, come on! It’s no contest. I don’t want to be shallow here (JK, I want to be shallow here), but pointy ears and eyebrows and those bangs that Spock is sporting are not doing it for me. I want that square-jawed lug of a man. Gimme Chris Prine and gimme him now.

Joel: Chris Pine is one of the most boring men who is being forced on our screens these day. Bar none. If boring is what you’re into, then fine, I’ll concede that Kirk is your man. But as to your other two points — that Kirk is the romantic and adventurous one — you’re just wrong. In the reboot, Spock is the one who has the passionate love affair with Uhura. Spock is the one who descends into a volcano and risked his own life in order to save a whole planet. How is that not romantic and adventurous? He’s got it all, and comes with the benefit of having a face like a beautiful abstract painting.

Tyler: You are INSANE, officially. Chris Pine? That rugged prince? First of all, I’m into how his skin looks. His face has seen some shit, you know? This is a man whose teenage years were not kind to him, and he has the marks to prove it. And that voice? That voice that sounds like he swallowed Tom Hardy? Into it. Into it so hard. Whereas Quinto, what is he offering? Attitude, and that’s about it. Remember when he blasted an entire generation of gay men for their laziness and complacency when it comes to their sexual habits? Like, dude, you just came out of the closet publicly after being pretty lazily not-gay. Gimme a break. Whereas that single tear Chris Pine shed after John Legend and Common performed at the Oscars? What a goddamn empathetic dreamboat.

Joel: Chris Pine’s looks are open for debate in this discussion, but Quinto’s dubious politics are not. If Spock said something problematic about Truvada, by all means, bring it up here. But the fact remains that Pine is boring to look at and his character is a blowhard idiot. Quinto plays an aggressively intelligent, passionately-holds-your-face-when-he-kisses-you sort of dude, and I could never say no to that.

Tyler: I don’t even know why I’m even friends with you because I can’t believe you would disparage Chris Pine in such a way. You know how I feel about Into the Woods, but he’s pretty much Prince Charming in my eyes. Ugh. Whatever. You’re impossible. Should we just cut to who else on the U.S.S. Enterprise we’d bone?

Joel: Listen, I know how you feel about Chris Pine, but once I saw Zachary Quinto standing alone at the Metropolitan water jug for forty minutes and he looked so sad, so I think he really needs this. But that aside, who else would you fuck on that space ship?

Tyler: I suppose I can’t pick Zoe Saldana, right? I guess I’d go with Dr. Leonard McCoy. His nickname is “Bones,” after all.

Joel: Jesus, you’re full of bad opinions today. The clear choice here — beyond Pine, beyond Quinto — is the Internet’s second favorite Asian (rebooting a role played by the Internet’s first favorite Asian), John Cho! Sulu all the way!

Tyler: We can at least agree that we wouldn’t fuck Simon Pegg, right?

Joel: Dead last.

Tyler: OK, finally, just to placate the real nerds here: Shatner or Nimoy?

Joel: Nimoy, God rest his soul.

Tyler: I like to think of myself as a Shatner in the streets, Nimoy in the sheets.

Joel: Is that really how you want to end things this week?

Tyler: This is my hill, let me die on it.

 

PREVIOUSLY:
Luke Danes vs. Christopher Hayden From Gilmore Girls
Mark Cohen vs. Roger Davis from Rent
Harry Potter vs. Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter franchise
Max Rockatansky vs. Nux from Mad Mad: Fury Road
Ennis Del Mark vs. Jack Twist from Brokeback Mountain

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Photos: Everett Collection