What’s ‘Blood & Oil?’ Your Guide To ABC’s Sexy New Fall Drama

The adventure of the Gold Rush! The sexiness of prime time soaps! The return of Don Johnson! Is it a dream? No! It’s the new ABC drama Blood & Oil, debuting tonight at 9 PM ET. Now, we understand you might not know anything about Blood & Oil. After all, it’s posters are very confusing — the show a quartet of beautiful blonde people dressed for a super fun prom as fake-looking oil drips down a black backdrop — and it’s not like it’s based on anything we’ve heard of before. So, we’re here to answer your pressing questions about the new series so you can decide for yourself if you want to tune in tonight.

What’s Blood & Oil about?

It’s about a modern “oil rush” in Rock Springs, North Dakota that has the feel of an old time gold rush. People are rushing into town, staking everything on the hope of finding oil. There’s a “saloon,” that plays “Turn Down For What?,” a stoic sheriff, and a legitimate fight between “cowboys” and “Indians,” i.e. an entitled rich prick and the Native Americans rightfully furious that he killed a white moose.

So, it’s like an old Western?

Yeah, but like an old Western meets Dynasty with a splash of sex and violence.

Ooo! Are all those attractive blonde people on the posters family? They look like family.

They do look like they are all related, but they are not! Don Johnson (aka Anastasia Steele’s IRL dad) and Amber Valetta play Hap and Carla Briggs. They are the richest people in town and own the most oil. Chace Crawford (aka Nate from Gossip Girl) and Rebecca Rittenhouse play a sickingly sweet and all-too attractive newlywed couple named Billy and Cody Lefever who leave their small town and journey to Rock Springs with the dream of setting up a laundromat empire.

Surely, you’re joking about that laundromat empire thing.

Nope. The first five minutes clearly lays out their plan: they’ve asked family and friends to invest all their savings so they can open three laundromats in the boom towns up north. Naturally, they lose everything but their lives in a car crash – including all those lovely laundromats.

So what happens next?

They move to a shanty town, make friends, get jobs, and, as luck would have it, cross paths with the Briggs family.

What happens next?

Drama! Danger! Excitement! Oil! Private jets! Guns! Girls dancing atop bars! A homespun recipe for curing eczema! Sex! Rivalries! Big dreams and higher stakes!

Okay, okay, but is it any good?

Well, it’s not art, but the little we’ve seen is rather enjoyable. I mean, any series that kicks off with a comely young couple totaling their truck and losing their dreams of heading up a laundromat empire is going to amuse me. It’s rather the perfect show for people who are tired of all the prestigious Sunday night fare like Mad Men or Game of Thrones. You aren’t going to have to keep a bunch of family trees straight or listen closely for subtext. Blood & Oil is loud and proud of its earnest storytelling.

Blood & Oil premieres on ABC tonight at 9 PM ET. You should be able to stream the premiere episode tomorrow on Hulu.

[Watch Blood & Oil on Hulu]

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[Photos: ABC]