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Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we discuss two actors with similar names who even we sometimes mix up: Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman.

Tyler: Joel, let’s be honest: can you even tell these two actors apart? Last week, while we were discussing Apollo 13, you kept writing that BIll Pullman did this, Bill Pullman did that. The thing is: Bill Pullman isn’t in Apollo 13! It’s Bill Paxton! I am going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt here and not call you out for what could easily be construed as casual racism (all white guys look alike to you, don’t they???) because I have heard from others that they truly struggle to tell these two apart. Seriously, why are these two so easily mixed up?

Joel: This is literally the strangest conversation you’ve ever roped me into doing, but alright I’m here so I’ll say it: their energies are very similar to me, but different enough that I have wildly different opinions about both of them whenever I see them pop on my television or movie screen. Perhaps they were born on the same day or were separated at birth — there’s no way to tell for certain. But there is something about these guys that makes it impossible for me to keep them straight in my mind, and I don’t even think it so much has to do with their oppressive mid-nineties whiteness. Am I to assume from your first paragraph above that you don’t struggle with Bill blindness?

Tyler: Considering I’m someone regularly mistaken for Jesse Tyler Ferguson (or, in very specific situations, Anthony Rapp) (sometimes Eric Stoltz, but as one gal once said, “not Eric Stoltz in Mask”), I guess I’m just a little more empathetic to their plight. And with that in mind, I probably make more of an effort to recognize which one is which. Plus, I am a devoted fan of Big Love, so following Bill Paxton’s polygamous shenanigans for five seasons certainly helps.

Joel: Oh god, that was Bill Paxton? This is going to be a rough edition this week, Tyler, because I watched that show all the way to its disastrous end had no idea that was the same sweaty schlep from Apollo 13. He sweat a lot on Big Love too as I recall. I guess the only real thing I can remember about Bill Paxton is he is a sweaty dude. I’m sure he can’t help it, but jesus god.

Tyler: Well now I’m desperate to know which one you’d pick. Do you even know which one you’d pick?!

Joel: I mean, the first half of this write-up already seems like I irrationally hate Bill Paxton, so it should come as no surprise to you that I choose America’s favorite president: Bill Pullman. He is, along with generally being objectively more attractive than his Bill-mate Paxton, he has that thing. That affable charm that makes him equally suited to play president and pretty much everyone’s dad. Give me Pullman or give me death.

Tyler: This is, honestly, the most shocking thing you have said to me in this column. I really thought you were going to go with Bill Paxton. Seriously. As a friend of mine once said to me, quite poetically, Pullman and Paxton are the two ends of the spectrum of human existence. Pullman represents lightness, whereas Paxton represents darkness. And considering your history, I honestly thought you would side with darkness here.

Joel: My tastes in men changes with every gust of wind. The number of times I’ve changed my “tribe” on Grindr would astound you, Tyler — ASTOUND YOU. And today, though I suspect every day, I choose the lightness of Bill Pullman. He is what I need right now. A comforting, bright-faced man who has a nice set of teeth and the gravitas to lead a nation. Both of these guys have blossomed into the dad roles they were probably always fated to play, but only Pullman seems to have that cool dad charm. And I’d rather have a cool dad, who’s always jingling his hand in his loose trouser pocket as he speculates wildly about your future, than a creepy, sweaty dad like Paxton.

Tyler: I guess I’ll have to play devil’s advocate (honestly, my first pick would be Pullman) and focus on some of Paxton’s virtues. Sure, he’s a little rough around the edges. Yeah, he has a too-friendly relationship with James Cameron (he’s been in so many of his movies!). I mean, he was perfect as a smarmy Mormon bigamist. But there’s something kinda sexy about that Texan swagger and that lazy drawl. You’d go to Pullman for comfort, sure, but I don’t think he’d be able to take charge and, like, fix shit when it goes down. With the exception of the president in Independence Day, he’s always playing hapless dopes. Meg Ryan leaves him for Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, and he’s just like, “Yeah, OK, that’s cool, I’d leave me, too.” I get the feeling that no one can leave Bill Paxton, you know?

Joel: I can leave Bill Paxton. I can leave Bill Paxton all day. Listen, I don’t want to just turn this into a Bill Paxton hit piece, because god knows I don’t need his legion of Twitter fans clogging up my feed all day because of the not-nice things I’ve said about him here. I’m sure he’s actually a lovely piece of human meat. But the fact is, as portrayed in his movies, I just get a real sense of unease about him. Like, I feel like he plays a fundamentalist a little too well, and religious fundamentalism is just my biggest turn off right now. Very unsexy. Plus, arguably, in my book, he is the closest thing to a villain Apollo 13 has (next to just space in general), and I hate him for that.

Tyler: You’re kind of… changing my mind? Or at least making it very difficult to be Team Paxton. The other thing: Bill Pullman’s perfect, aspirational floppy hair, particularly in Spaceballs. I mean, that is the hair that I want on my head and between my hands as I comb my fingers through those soft, soft strands.

Joel: It’s hair that says, “Hey babe, I woke up this morning and was too busy thinking about you to even think about this stupid hair on my head. Get over here. I love you. I’ll always text you back in an appropriate amount of time.” Who doesn’t want hair that says all that.

Tyler: But it’s also the hair that says, “I dropped my phone in the toilet, again. Ugh, I’m such a klutz! Do you know how to fix it? Does that rice trick thing actually work? Do you know what the warranty on our plan is like? Can you drive me to the Apple store? I’m such a spaz, I just can’t. I just can’t!” Uh, I want to be that guy in the relationship! I want to just can’t! And that’s why Paxton, for me, would be the person who could take care of me and put up with me because I’m a goddamn treat despite my flaws, and he recognizes that.

Joel: Yeah, but Paxton also has hair that screams, “Don’t fall asleep around me,” so pick your poison I guess.

Tyler: Fine, fine. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me which Bill Pullman is your go-to.

Joel: In every way it is the Pullman of A League of Their Own. He is peak dashing in this film and he somehow makes a convincing case as Geena Davis’ love interest. Really her only equal in this film in any sense is Tom Hanks, but thank goodness they don’t go for any ridiculous romance plot with those two. Instead we get sweet, handsome Bob, and Pullman, in his few brief scenes, gives Davis reason enough to leave behind baseball. You’re still a little bummed for her, but look at the way he smiles in that uniform! What about you? Which sweat drenched incarnation of Bill Paxton have you sacrificed your soul to?

Tyler: Well, I am a firestorm of emotions, a constant, dangerous, monstrous mix of rage and worry that generally mix together after laying dormant for months at a time, only to be evoked in an insane burst of craziness — kind of like a tornado. So, duh, I’d pick Bill Paxton in Twister. I like being chased, what can I say?

Joel: You could say a lot of things, Tyler. Probably to your therapist. But let’s not get into them here. I think we should probably wrap up before we conjure Bill Paxton right here in this Google doc just by typing his name too many times and then erasing it again because we meant Bill Pullman.

Tyler: Bill Pullton. Bill Paxman. Aye, yai, yai!

PREVIOUSLY:

Jimmy Fallon vs. Stephen Colbert
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