Would You Rather: Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees?

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we celebrate the season with a very special Halloween edition and try our best to pick one of horror’s most fiendish bad guys: Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise and Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise.

Tyler: Joel, how excited are you for Halloween? Do you have a slutty costume already planned? Are you anticipating a weird train ride of shame back home to Brooklyn? Or are you mostly excited about cheap candy on November 1st? I’ve been invited to a few Halloween parties (one of them requires an Elaine Stritch — or Elaine Stritch-adjacent — costume, obviously), but I’m still undecided if I’m going out or hiding from the world in the confines of my own apartment, because I’m a tired 32-year-old.

Joel: True story: I hate Halloween! The actual night. I don’t like theme parties, I don’t like masks or putting makeup on my already acne-prone skin, and I just don’t make the kind of money one really requires to make a great Halloween costume, an outfit you will surely only wear once. What. No, I hate it. But I’ll tell you what I do love: the Halloween season! There is nothing I enjoy more than a haunted hayride, or a regular hayride, or sitting on or around hay bales in, really, any capacity. Put me on a hay bale and turn on a scary movie and let November never come, because that’s all I really want. Hay bales and scary movies. So basically, no: I don’t have any specific plans quite yet, except to dress up in a very lazy “sexy minion” costume and try to live out my night.

Tyler: I understand how you feel about Halloween costumes. They’re less practical than wedding dresses, and you’re even less likely to wear them again. (But they also take up room in your closet, deteriorating.) But at least you’re into the scary movie tradition! Which is the perfect segue into this week’s spooky pairing, which I feel like is going to be a difficult one for you considering your habit of generally picking the creepier option.

Joel: It was a little difficult for me. Both of the guys we have to choose from in this pairing are unrepentant monsters driven by revenge. In this way, we’ve got a pretty even curve to grade on. So I feel pretty confident here in choosing Freddy without coming off as too much of a creep myself. Come for me.

Tyler: Oh, sure, you’re going to go right for the child molester, this is already a good place to start.

Joel: Excuse me, Tyler, but Freddy is a child killer, not molester (it is “suggested” that he’s a child molester in the 2010 remake, but since when do we count shitty remakes?). There is a big difference, and under the law I’m pretty sure Jason is a child killer as well. And besides, do you really want to start morally equivocating in this little exercise? Because at least my monster isn’t a sex-negative moralist who murders teens for doing what teens do (each other). I’d rather hang with a guy who has a good sense of humor than someone who drowned.

Tyler: Do you not remember the way Freddy harassed Nancy on the phone that time? That was one rapey tongue that came through the phone. But fine, I’ll concede he was a child killer. Although Jason Voorhees, slut shamer? I mean, more like shitty babysitter shamer! If those camp counselors weren’t busy screwing in the woods, none of this business would be an issue. Sure, he (and his mother, who was avenging him and then whom he is avenging) would pretty much exclusively target the randiest of teens, but I don’t think he was being a “sex-negative moralist” as much as the traumatic event from his youth was triggered by the idea of teenagers having sex. I mean, he can’t help it, Joel! Whereas Freddy pretty much preyed upon the youth of Elm Street for funsies.

Joel: Yes, and it’s there, in the idea of “fun” that I find Freddy more appealing as a partner. He honestly seems to be enjoying himself in each of these movies, finding more fantastical, one might even say whimsical ways to maim and murder unlucky teens. I’ve never really cared what a guy does for a living— as long as he loves what he does and is good at it, which describes Freddy to a T. I don’t know about you, but I would rather crack wise with Freddy then stand around in the corner of a bar with Jason, all the while listening to him whine that you’d “only stay for an hour” and it’s “already been like an hour and a half,” and basically never have any fun with him at all.

Tyler: We both know that Jason would say neither of those things, because Jason is the strong, silent type. And I like that a lot more than a guy with whom I’d be constantly competing in some Shits and LOLs contest. I’m funny, Joel. I don’t need my serial killing boyfriend from the subconscious trying to out-joke me. And why does he have to, anyway? He’s already artistic! He’s killing people IN DREAMS. It seems like Freddy is the classic creative: showy, always on, and, worst of all, constantly searching for attention from wherever he can get it. You know what, Joel? Freddy will never be satisfied. Jason, on the other hand, is pretty secure with himself. And yet, he’s mysterious. I want to know the man behind the mask, the man who doesn’t put it all out there for everyone to take and take and take.

Joel: I see what you did there, and I’m ignoring it. Because this is the deal: If you want to do all the intellectual heavy lifting in your next relationship, have fun. I do not. I want a partner, an equal. I want an Anjelica, not an Eliza. The Addison, not the Meredith. The Spike not the Angel. I want someone who will make me laugh, who will hate all the same people with me and know exactly what I’m thinking (because he lives inside of my brain). Jason may have the bod, but he doesn’t have the brains or personality, and when it comes down to it, I’ve always preferred a guy with a slender body and a jacked up face who gets my references. Jason would never get my references.

Tyler: I want to make new references, Joel. That’s what a relationship is all about: building something new together. Or have you not been to enough weddings? (You can use that line for when you officiate your first gay one.)

Joel: Freddy and I are open, we aren’t planning on getting married. It’s just not for us, you see! Because Freddy is very progressive and adventurous and cannot be contained to one person and also would never murder Kelly Rowland. Freddy forever!

Tyler: It’s not Jason’s fault that Kelly Rowland starred in a pretty bad, pseudo-fan-fiction horror movie sequel. Michelle Williams wouldn’t do that! (The black one. The white one was in Halloween: H20). And besides, Freddy would have done if Jason hadn’t gotten to her first — he just would have done it in a more showy way. Maybe the two former members of Destiny’s Child would appear in her dream, only to turn into two Freddy Kruegers? Like, ugh, chill out, Freddy. What a show-off.

Joel: Would be so proud of my man if that’s how he ended Kelly Rowland, but honestly believe he would never lay a hand on her. Also he’s voting for Bernie.

Tyler: Are you saying that Freddy is a Bern victim?

Joel: WOW.

Tyler: I HOPE YOU LOVE PUNS, BECAUSE THAT’S ALL FREDDY IS GONNA GIVE YOU.

Joel: Really going to miss this electric chemistry we’ve developed on opposite sides of this Google doc, Tyler.

Tyler: Before we go, should we share which other slasher film franchise villain we’d most like to have sex with on Halloween night?

Joel: I guess if I can’t have Freddy, I would probably hook up with Pinhead from the Hellraiser series and experiment with a few kinks before eventually getting bored and moving on. There is nothing I find sexier than a BDSM aesthetic, but pale dudes don’t do it for me.

Tyler: Leatherface seems like the brand of crazy I generally find entertaining, but honestly? Nobody is hotter than Chucky. I will relax my usually strong stance about fucking another redhead. Talk about a lil’ rascal. I bet he’s fun.

Joel: I feel like Chucky’s entire personality revolves around trying to switch bodies with someone else, and it’s like, LOVE YOURSELF. I’ve been with men who have low self-esteem before and no thanks. Done with all that.

Tyler: Yeah, but think of the cuddling. I’m a big spoon!

Joel: And with that nightmare image you’ve provided our readers, you’ve proven to be the biggest monster mentioned in this discussion. Happy Halloween!

 

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Han Solo vs. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars
Bill Paxton vs. Bill Pullman
Jimmy Fallon vs. Stephen Colbert
Troy Dyer vs. Michael Grates from Reality Bites
Wolverine vs. Cyclops from X-Men

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Photos: Everett Collection