New Doc On Netflix ‘Do I Sound Gay?’ Analyzes How Gay Men Talk

When David Thorpe’s documentary Do I Sound Gay? garnered some attention last year for its Kickstarter campaign, a female friend of mine expressed some concern. “That seems a little problematic,” she told me. “I mean, why would anyone suggest that gay men talk in a certain way, or that they ever feel the need to fix it?”

Suddenly, I realized for the first time something that I had never really talked about with a non-gay male friend of mine as an adult: “Uhhh,” I said. “I’ve felt that I’ve needed to deepen my voice all of the time.” I immediately thought of my first boyfriend, who joked about how the outgoing message on my voicemail sounded like a different person. I had memories of hearing myself speak on a tape I made with my childhood best friend, my voice sounding many octaves higher than his (to be fair, I was probably the last person born in 1983 to hit puberty). I remember answering the phone at my first job at 15 and having customers assume I was a girl.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R21Fd8-Apf0]

Thorpe’s documentary, which hit theaters in July and landed on Netflix this week, is an interesting film in that it is part memoir, part social study. At the beginning of the film, Thorpe is at a personal crossroads: he’s recently single, suddenly aware that same-sex marriage has become a thing (i.e. the pressure to get hitched is upon us all), yet he feels a bit like an outsider in the larger community. What’s worse: his voice is driving him crazy, as he feels like it’s what almost defines him as a gay man.

I mean, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Thorpe uses plenty of pop cultural examples — and man-on-the-street interviews — to hammer home that the gay voice is a thing. (Although he uses a particularly aggressive bit of Louis C.K.’s, I’ve always been more fond of one from David Cross. “Not every gay man has this voice, but only gay men have this voice.”)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-w7XEEFyvs]

While Thorpe is compelled to make an effort to change his voice, to lose the sibilant S and become more assertive (which could be code for “less effeminate”), he conducts plenty of interviews with friends, loved ones, and even some famous figures (Margaret Cho, Don Lemon, David Sedaris, Tim Gunn, Dan Savage, and George Takei all make appearances) to talk about something that has become both a societal norm and the bane of many’s existence. Savage in particular suggests in the film that self-hatred (and internalized misogyny) has turned gay men against themselves, many of whom find the particular effeminate lilt to be a turn-off (and try desperately, as I have admittedly done, to cover it up in particular settings). But through archival footage of comic celebrities like Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Rip Taylor, Thorpe shows how the so-called gay accent and sensibility served both as a playful stereotype and a valuable example of queer visibility.

Thorpe’s doc is a breezily entertaining one, and examines what some might think is a fleeting subject matter; the moral of the story is, of course, that the way we speak is not genetic or based on our sexuality but rather on how we grew up. But most importantly, the film is about finding comfort in one’s own skin (or, at least, comfort in one’s sound). Self-acceptance is important (and difficult to achieve) for most gay men, members of a historically marginalized group that have been reviled and mocked for centuries. Through his own journey, Thorpe learns to be more confident in his speaking voice — and that it doesn’t necessarily have much to do with how he views himself as a gay man. But the film does prove that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, punishing ourselves for by trying to fit into a world in which we stand out with our own culture and, for better or worse, language.