5 Lessons Disney Should Never Have Taught Your Children

On the surface, Disney princesses seem to have it easy, but most of them started from the bottom. Snow White and Cinderella were both turned into indentured servants by circumstance, Sleeping Beauty had to live in hiding away from her family and sharp objects, and Belle had to content with being a brainiac in a time period when she was only valued for her uterus. What’s the solution to all these women’s problems? What helps them transcend their sorrows? Hard work? Education? A savvy understanding of the stock market? No, a handsome prince’s passing fancy.

Most of these stories tell young women that rather than aspire to adventure or advancement, they should pin all their hopes on a rich man marrying them. The rub is he can’t be any man, but he also has to be a prince. So, if you’re a woman, your only chance of happiness is to ensnare a wealthy political leader. If the history of the Kennedy clan has taught us anything it’s that nothing could be further from the truth. Cinderella, Snow White, Belle, Ariel, and all the rest would have been a lot happier much faster if they had ditched their oppressive backgrounds and gotten a job and a bunch of cool friends.

According to Disney, true love can conquer all hurdles — including sexual consent. Both Snow White and Sleeping Beauty were kissed by princes while they were completely knocked out and unable to give consent. You could argue that it was all worth it because it was for love and it was to save their life. But it also teaches kids that it’s okay to kiss someone when they are completely unconscious. The only time I can imagine that being okay is if you’ve been married for decades and your spouse dies or falls into a coma. Then, a chaste and emotionally-fraught kiss might be allowed. Note I said it “might” be allowed. The moral area is still fuzzy.

Disturbingly this trend is not a thing of Disney’s past. Enchanted was a wonderfully snarky film that poked holes in many of Disney’s most ridiculous clichés. Unfortunately, the way the film doubled down on the unconscious hanky panky.

If there’s one glaring issue with Disney’s massive back catalogue of films, it’s all the racism. Would you like a brief list?

• The black centaur slaves in Fantasia
• The black crows (and their leader Jim) in Dumbo
• The Native American tribe in Peter Pan
• The monkeys in The Jungle Book
• The Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp
• That cat with the chopsticks in The Aristocats
• A lot of Aladdin
• The hyenas in The Lion King
• ALL of Song of the South

(This isn’t including the fact that Pocahontas really sugar-coats and twists Native American history.)

So what makes all this okay? It’s pretty to look at and comes with a catchy song or funny joke. It’s fun and harmless, then, isn’t it? Except it’s not because it’s teaching your children that non-Caucasian people can be reduced to stereotypes and jokes.

Lying is wrong, right? It’s kind of a basic moral law. You shouldn’t mislead people or make crazy things up about yourself. There’s even a famous Disney film all about this concept! It’s called Pinocchio. Pinocchio’s nose might have grown long enough to be a limbo pole and his selfish actions might have landed him and his father inside of a whale, but by the end of the film he gets to be a real boy. Why? Not because he started telling the truth, but because he sacrificed himself to save his dad. So, it’s kind of a warped message.

What’s worse is Disney has an entire film celebrating a lying liar. It’s called Aladdin and it’s basically about how a thief uses a magical slave to lie himself to the top. I mean, sure, Aladdin is cute and generous and good at pole vaulting, but he also cons his way to being a prince. Want to get ahead kids? Forget hard work and college. Just Catch Me If You Can yourself to success!

I know I can’t be the first person to notice this — in fact, I’m not — but there’s something shady about the prologue to Beauty and the Beast. We’re told that the Beast was a vain prince who refused to let an old crone into his house in the middle of a cold and stormy night. Offended by his cruelty, she revealed herself to be a gorgeous sorceress and cursed him to be a Beast (and for his entire staff to be turned into clocks, candelabras, and cutlery). If he doesn’t earn someone’s love by the time of his 21st birthday, they are stuck like that for life. It sort of makes ethical sense, until you pick up on the fact in “Be Our Guest” that the castle has been cursed for 10 years. That means the Beast would have been a 10-year-old orphan when this all went down. In short, he was just following the classic “Don’t talk to strangers” rule.

If you thought that Disney was eager to correct this for 2015 audiences, then you are wrong! The same thing pretty much happens in Kenneth Branagh’s enchanting live-action version of Cinderella. After she’s humiliated by her family, Cinderella retreats to her backyard to cry — where she meets an eccentric old lady. Instead of saying, “Yo, I’m home alone right now and this is how some slasher films start,” Cinderella gives the lady a ladle full of milk. That’s when the woman reveals she’s her Fairy Godmother and gives Cinderella the dress, glass slippers, and night out of everyone’s dreams. That only happens because Cinderella talks to a woman trespassing on her property.

We’re all for kindness and charity, but teaching your kids to be nice to strangers and interlopers might not be the smartest lesson. If you don’t get what we’re hinting at, you will when you see this winter’s Oscar-bait flick Room.