Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
We’ve all been there. February 14th rears its head on the calendar and finds you unhappily single. (Of course there is always the option to be happily single, but that’s for well-adjusted people.) On those days, watching the lovey-doveys of the world send each other flowers and make dinner reservations and clog up movie theaters showing romantic comedies can just be too much.
And what is the refuge that popular culture tells us to take on Valentine’s Days such as these? Chocolate. Chocolate will make it all better. Chocolate will trick that brain chemistry into thinking you’re fine. Chocolate instead of sex. Chocolate instead of love. Chocolate instead of companionship. Chocolate as the biological imperative. For one day a year, nougat can go scratch, you know? Whether the above is a deeply cherished truth or a lie trumped up by the monogamy-industrial complex is something we can all debate later. For now, here’s the thing: love is being celebrated everywhere this Valentine’s Day weekend. Just this once, we’re giving chocolate its due.
Chocolate As Temptress
At the beginning of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, chocolate is to be Charlie Bucket’s salvation. Finding the golden ticket inside a Wonka-brand chocolate bar is supposed to be his literal ticket out of his and his family’s life of poverty and into … well, it’s not really certain. The winner of the golden ticket gets a tour of the super-secret Wonka factory and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Perhaps the idea was that Charlie would subsequently write a book about it.
Either way, what ends up happening is more off-kilter and strange than simple fame and the abundance of chocolate. The Wonka factory is a place where bad little children go to be taught lessons. One particular lesson that Augustus Gloop learns that hard way is that rivers of chocolate, though alluring, can also be your doom. Silly Augustus. That chocolate river looked way too watery to be satisfying anyway.
Chocolate As Taskmaster
Lucy and Ethel working the conveyor belt at the chocolate factory is a classic TV scene for a reason. It’s a masterpiece of manic energy and building tension. Plus big goopy mouths full of chocolate! That’s funny. Slow down, chocolate!
Chocolate As Whimsical Awards-Bait
Sometimes it’s good to just take a moment and remember that Harvey Weinstein got a Best Picture nomination for Chocolat, a sweet, silly little movie about a French chocolatier or sorceress or something who moves to a country village and changes everybody’s lives with delicious chocolate. …Look, it’s Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp, now get enchanted already!
Chocolate As Daydream Fantasia
Much like Homer Simpson, we also are susceptible to daydreams at work. Unlike Homer Simpson, when we think of Germany as the “Land of Chocolate,” we don’t take that literally. That’s worse luck for us, because Homer is the one who gets to imagine cocoa-dusted cobblestones, edible lampposts, and yappy little terriers who probably taste rich and delicious.
Chocolate As Conversation Starter
Far be it from us to judge a film for its whimsical conceit and bumper-sticker wisdom, but Forrest Gump‘s catch phrase “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get” flies right in the face of the fact that chocolate samplers have come with guides to what’s inside the chocolates, right there on the inside cover, for decades if not longer.
See? You know EXACTLY what you’re gonna get! So what kind of homespun bunk are you trying to sell us, Robert Zemeckis?
Chocolate As Bully
Trunchbull is a mean old lady in Matilda, but when she tries to embarrass Bruce Bogtrotter for stealing her piece of cake with a punishment that calls for him to eat an entire chocolate cake, boy does he do it. Nice try, Trunchbull! Chocolate is delicious!
Chocolate As Neurosis
It’s a throwaway gag in the “MILF Island” episode of 30 Rock, a misdirection when Tracy says he saw what Liz Lemon said in the newspaper. A guilty Liz thinks he’s talking about a quote she gave about Jack. But no, Tracy is talking about a Cathy comic, which eerily mimicked Liz in a particularly chocolate-crazed mood. Cathy was always the sad-lady wah-wah version of the woman Liz Lemon was written to be, so this was a nice wink of a moment indeed. Thanks, chocolate!
Chocolate As Meltdown Accessory
Kristen Wiig in the chocolate fountain in Bridesmaids is a thing of angry comedic beauty. Particularly the parts where she tries to tip over the heavy stone fountain like she’s some kind of Teresa Giudice/She-Hulk hybrid.
Chocolate As Overly Literal Substitute
There is something almost plausible about the Saturday Night Live brownie husband at first. A little man-shaped brownie designed as a cute riff on a boyfriend-replacement. It’s chocolatey and comforting! But as the sketch ramps up the absurdity into man-sized proportions, there is an exquisite grossness to what we’re seeing. By the time the molten caramel core starts oozing out, and the audience sounds like it’s going to retch, we see the sketch has done its job. No more chocolate.
Chocolate As Cure-All
Okay, one more. Chocolate is such a small part of The Princess Bride. A tag on the bit with Billy Crystal and Carol Kane and Miracle Max and his wonderful harpy of a wife, Valerie. As soon as Max relents and agrees to make Inigo and Fezzik a potion that will return Wesley from his mostly-death, we cut to the pill being coated in chocolate. Says Valerie: “The chocolate coating helps it go down easier.” Like an after-dessert mint! Thanks for another wonderful Valentine’s Day, chocolate. You’re as delicious as you are versatile.
