Stephanie Tanner’s Girl-On-Girl Smooch With Kimmy Gibbler, Plus The 10 Other Most Disturbing Things We’ve Learned From ‘Fuller House’

Kimmy kissed a girl and she liked it. It would be one very interesting and surprisingly progressive-ish thing if there was a will-they won’t-they between Kimmy and Stephanie. I wouldn’t 100% buy it, but in a series where Steve essentially stalks DJ, I wouldn’t be surprised. They have that fake hate dynamic going on. But no, that’s not what happens. In Episode 12, Kimmy’s ex-husband becomes so overwhelmed with emotion that he can’t finish the song he’s prepared for Kimmy, so he asks Stephanie to sing it instead, complete with romantic caresses. When Steph gets to the line about kissing Kimmy, Kimmy takes the reins and plants one on her. So now the children you grew up watching have made out, and you know about it, which isn’t so much disturbing as it is unsettling.

You can cover it up by saying that Steve (Scott Weinger) loves DJ (Candace Cameron-Bure) and just wants to be with her, but that doesn’t change the fact that DJ’s husband just died. Right from the pilot, it’s clear that DJ hasn’t clearly processed her husband’s death, but is Steve sympathetic? Not really. One of the first things he says to his recently widowed friend is, “Listen Deej, I know you’re not ready to start something new, or restart something old, but I want you to know that when you’re ready, I’m going to be right here.” And with all of Steve’s references to his “big, comfy bed,” it’s clear that he doesn’t just want to date DJ. He wants to bang her. That’s a little too aggressive, Steve. Also, what is with this Tanner curse that keeps killing spouses?

We learn in Fuller House that Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) grows up (and fills out) to be a club DJ. But surely she’s a family-friendly DJ that turns tables in a fantasy drug-free environment, right? Ha! This is Fuller House, not Full House. Stephanie makes numerous jokes about drug use and seems to work at normal, non ABC-approved clubs. In Episode Eight, DJ and Kimmy are grinning over some mysterious flowers that were sent to them, and Stephanie even asks if the duo has gotten into her special brownies. Considering the real life Jodie Sweetin has a history of drug use, this character choice is odd to say the least.

We already told you about the unsettling stare-and-hold the cast performed when talking about the missing Michelle. The shade continues in Episode Seven when Kimmy’s daughter Ramona (played by the charismatic Soni Bringas) buys her first designer dress for her birthday party — designed by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. After the designer is revealed, Kimmy says, “At these prices, it’s no wonder they don’t need to act anymore.” Cue awkward studio audience laughter/groans.

Between Steph’s new, um … more adult look and John Stamos’ natural chemistry with the world, it feels like there’s something going on between Stephanie and her actual uncle. Now I’m going to have to scrub my brain from even thinking about that. Have mercy, Fuller House. Please. For our sanity.

Did you want to know about Kimmy Gibbler’s sex life? Stop screaming, we’re talking about this. Apparently, Kimmy Gibbler, who was a 13 year old child last time we saw her, is a Kama Sutra pro. I’m not even being cheeky with this one. Kimmy’s sexpertise is explained to Danny (Bob Saget) and Joey in the pilot. Also, her marriage collapsed because her husband cheated on her several times. Just wholesome family entertainment right here.

This one is less disturbing and more unsettling. Joey Gladstone (Dave Coulier) apparently hasn’t changed his comedy act in about 26 years (the in-universe time between Full House and Fuller House), yet he’s the star of a successful Vegas show. We learn that he’s even beating Carrot Top even though Rocky and Bullwinkle impressions haven’t been relevant in easily 40 years.

Joey Gladstone was the only one of the Tanner patriarchal trio who entered the reboot single, which isn’t that surprising considering he constantly carries around a giant puppet. Or at least that’s how it appears. According to the show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, Joey actually has a wife and kids back in Vegas, which raises so many more questions than it answers. Why do we never see these people? Why doesn’t Joey ever mention them? Is his wife OK with Joey dropping everything to fly to San Francisco one night so he can babysit his best friend’s daughter’s children?

Speaking of sex, know who’s not getting any? Jesse and Becky (Lori Loughlin). I know you want me to stop telling you about the sex lives of your favorite childhood characters, but Fuller House didn’t stop, so I’m won’t. In Episode Nine, a hilariously expensive amount of roses are delivered to the Tanner household while Aunt Becky is visiting. The three leads aren’t sure who sent the roses, but each one is convinced the roses are for them. Becky becomes obsessed with discovering who sent them, and casually mentions that she and Jesse don’t have this kind of excitement anymore after 28 years of marriage. But fear not; the roses were from Jesse, so everything is better now, I guess? They just needed a reboot to reignite their marriage.

Fuller House really doesn’t care that you don’t want to hear about these characters sex lives. They’re going to tell you regardless. Stephanie is infertile. This reveal came at the end of Episode Five, when Steph told her older sister the news through tears. It’s a sad storyline that was tackled well, but a small part of me wishes that Stephanie didn’t have children just because she doesn’t want to have children. It’s OK for a woman to not have kids, sitcom-verse.

This is another one of the series’ meta moment that lands awkwardly. Danny comes to visit the family for a Wake Up San Francisco reunion because this show can’t go an episode without a guest appearance. Kimmy sassily asks him, “Isn’t it kind of sad when they drag out the old cast for some lame reunion show?” This was an actual thing that was asked on Fuller House by a Fuller House character. Danny and Kimmy then proceed to have a thinly veiled argument about whether or not rebooted series (*cough* Fuller House *cough*) should exist. It’s … weird, and they never reach a conclusion. This happens in Episode Eight around the episode’s 7 minute mark. If you watch no other parts of Fuller House, I highly recommend watching this one confusing scene.

[Where to stream Fuller House]

Photos: Netflix