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Outlander

Bonjour, mes coeurs! Here we are again: in France. Jamie (Sam Heughan) is dealing with PTSD and Claire (Caitriona Balfe) is trying to be both a mother-to-be and a feminist in a time that was dangerous for both. Oh, and they are trying in vain to change the future. Last week Claire was gobsmacked to discover that Black Jack Randall is actually still alive. (Quel dommage!) We also saw a nipple dress! What gore and what glories await us this week on Outlander?

A DOG SURGEON!

Give this pooch his own NBC series! But before we meet NBC’s latest star Bouton: Chien Medicale, we have to get back to Jamie and Claire and their plan to save Highland culture. Well, it’s Claire’s plan, really, but Jamie is doing most of the work. He spends all his time hanging out at the brothels in the hopes of getting Bonnie Prince Charlie to slip some vital piece of intel. Claire, on the other hand, has to go to tea (and talk about sex) with a French bitch and an English prude. It’s like Sex and the City without both the sex or New York City. No wonder Claire’s bored!

The upshot of all this is Claire figures out that sweet, stuttering, peen-phobic Mary Hawkins is the woman ~~fated~~ doomed to be Black Jack Randall’s wife. She also has figured out that her 1940s husband, Sweet Frank, won’t exist unless this unholy union between demon and virgin takes place. It puts her in quite the moral quandary. So she spills to the kindest, gentlest soul on hand: Murtagh. He advises her to lie to Jamie about this. After all, if Jamie knew, hot Highland guy honor would demand that he go back to Scotland, murder Black Jack, and hang to death for his crime. No one wants that.

Meanwhile, Jamie is busy hatching political plots within financial deals…blah blah blah…he looks hot playing chess, am I right? That’s all that matters, really (to me).

Claire tries to busy herself hanging out with her new socially-unconventional poison-selling friend — She always has a “alt” friend who plays with poison, doesn’t she? — and learns that Paris is full of creepy people poisoning people. She also learns that her new friend might also be way more cozy with the Viscount du Elderberry Liqueur than we initially thought. None of this raises any red flags, so Claire spills her guts to this dude and he suggests she go work in a nun hospital for fun. And here’s where we meet Bouton, Dog Surgeon!

Oh, it’s so much fun for Claire! She gets to hang out with gross sick people and diagnose diabetes! She gets to sniff urine and taste it for fun! She even gets to perform surgery on a pus blister! (WHYYYY?)

Needless to say, Jamie doesn’t approve. It was fine for his wife to use her medical know-how to cure him when she was single. It was even okay right after they were married! But now that a baby is growing in her uterus, her dreams must shrivel up and die. Well, that’s not really it. He’s really worried about her catching an infectious disease in a gross 18th century hospital. He also gives a whole spiel about how he wants Claire to listen to him. It’s all well and good that Claire helps save poor people’s lives for fun, but when is it Jamie’s time?!?! WHEN CAN JAMIE HAVE FUN?!?

For fun, Jamie decides to adopt a 10-year-old French pickpocket. He renames him Fergus because 18th century children are just like rescue cats. They were born in litters and left outside in cardboard boxes to die. No, they weren’t, but I do remember reading that French children weren’t considered people until Jean-Jacques Rousseau came into vogue. But yeah, Jamie brings a kid home and Claire is mad because even though he’s cute, he’s going to be a lot of work (and it’s not like Jamie is going to take him out for walks or clean up his poop).

Everything comes together at the end. Fergus steals a letter from the Prince that has a coded message in sheet music that Murtagh suggests they bring to Claire’s new nun friend. Turns out she used to be friends with Bach! NOW EVERYONE’S FRIENDS!

The code confirms that Bonnie Prince Charlie is working with The Duke of Sandwigs — I mean, Sandringham – to fund the rebellion. Jamie decides that he needs to meet with Sandringham which can only lead to that dipshit revealing Black Jack is alive. So, Claire decides to tell Jamie his rapist is alive — except then she doesn’t.