Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
For many of us, The Goonies was more than just a kids’ movie. It was a coming of age epic that defined our childhood. Released in 1985, this adventure comedy about a group of pre-teens discovering a map and uncovering the long-lost fortune of One-Eyed Willy was the epic tale of kid-fueled heroism that we aspired to achieve.
Cut to present day, and this story about searching for treasure has become a culturally adored gem. Our ’90s cartoons were packed with Goonie-cloned plots that featured young heroes stumbling upon pirate chests as well as their own self worth. If you want to see what I mean, say the words “truffle shuffle” to any of your early Millennial friends and watch their eyes light up. However, while most people watched The Goonies for the cute adventure drama that it is, there’s a small amount of the population who look at this children’s movie and see only one thing: sex. Welcome to Really Internet, where we examine some of the internet’s most insane fan theories. Let’s dive in.
WHAT’S THE THEORY?
The Goonies is more than just a delightful adventure fueled by curiosity and kid-powered optimism. According to this Reddit user, The Goonies is actually a coming of age allegory about a kid losing his virginity.
WHY IT’S NOT THAT CRAZY
This one gets complicated quickly, so hold on. The kid who loses his virginity doesn’t exactly refer to any of the main characters specifically. Instead, the theory argues, the combination of the four main characters creates this coming of age protagonist. The frank nicknames of Mikey’s three friends actually supports this idea. To make it easier, from now on, I’m going to refer to the idea of this allegorical boy as The Virgin. Mikey (Sean Astin) is the story’s Everyman figure as well as our protagonist. “Chunk” (Jeff Cohen) represents The Virgin’s body; “Mouth” (Corey Feldman) represents his personality, and “Data” (Ke Huy Quan) represents his goals and potential. Each of these characters have a story arc of their own, which ends in the betterment of that character. It’s through the cumulative successes of all these characters that The Virgin is able to cast off his virginity and enter the world of adulthood.
But if that’s true, then what would the other characters in The Goonies represent? According to the theory, Mikey’s family represent different versions of his future, with his father representing Impotence and his brother representing the Beta male. These are just the same version of the same idea — failed and emasculated post-pubescence. Meanwhile, the girls represent different sexual options. This is where this theory gets the most interesting.
Consent and cooperation are two major themes of The Goonies’ partnership with Andy (Kerri Green) and Stef (Martha Plimpton), and both are major elements of sex. Andy, as you can probably guess from that kissing scene, is the girl who transitions The Virgin from boyhood to manhood. There are several other sexual interpretations in the theory, including an explanation that equates braces to premature ejaculation. However, the movie ends with Mikey, our everyman, ditching his childhood inhaler after a conversation with the symbol of death and fear — a skeleton. He’s now an adult after his first sexual encounter, and he’s stronger for it. Check out the full theory here.
WHY IT’S QUESTIONABLE
This one involves some pretty elaborate allegorical reimagining, but once you’re on board, it starts making sense. Though this is a kids’ movies, The Goonies was written by Chris Columbus and executive produced by Steven Spielberg. Columbus’ credits include Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Mrs. Doubtfire, both Home Alones, and Gremlins — all of which (with the exception of Gremlins) are known for jam-packing a ton of symbolism into deceptively simple and child-focused movies, which can also be said about Spielberg’s E.T. I’m not completely sold on this one, but I also don’t think it’s out of the question.
