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Dear The Mummy (1999) [Directed by Stephen Sommers, Starring Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, and Arnold Vosloo]:

I just think it’s important for you to know how great it was to see you again after so many years. It had been way too long and then suddenly there you were on Netflix. It was like you knew that I needed a jolt of joy in my life. Have you been watching the news? Did you know that everything is gloomy and terrible?

Mummy — can I call you, that? Just “Mummy?” — you brought me back to a golden era in my youth. You reminded me that once upon a time, summer blockbusters were silly yarns full of bright colors and loud booms. I’d forgotten how sweet you are, Mummy, how delightful you are, and most of all how stupid you are. You’re great. You’re fun.

I like how you’re full of sweeping vistas and terrible CGI. I enjoy how the dialogue is silly and sounds nothing like how people in the 1910s and 1920s would talk. I like how Oded Fehr is all menacing, but nice. I like how John Hannah’s character has a crippling alcohol addiction that no one seems willing to talk about. I like Arnold Vosloo’s weird fringed loincloth. I like A-knock-soon-a-moon’s body paint. I also like that I can’t remember how to spell A-knock-soon-a-moon, but I can spell it well enough phonetically. I like that the scarabs are scary.

As Rick O’Connell, Brendan Fraser combines the swash-buckling charm of Chris Pratt with the goofy humor of Chris Pratt. He basically is Chris Pratt — but Canadian — in this film.

Isn’t that great? I think it’s great. I know you think it’s great because you are the 1999 film The Mummy and wouldn’t have Brendan Fraser any other way.

I also really like what Rachel Weisz is doing in you. (Oof, that sounds dirty — but you know what I mean.) I mean, she’s basically a British Zooey Deschanel with a thing for ancient Egyptian curses, but it works! I think it works because has a great period wardrobe and isn’t wearing dresses from ModCloth covered in bicycles. It also works because she gets all drunk and horny and is proud of being a librarian. I mean, there’s nuance there. It’s silly nuance, but it’s there.

I understand that Tom Cruise is starring in some kind of slick reboot of you soon. I am not happy about this. He’ll probably do some thing where he slides down a pyramid and then leaps in the air and dangles from the sphinx’s face with only his left pinkie. It will be technically dazzling and he’ll tell Access Hollywood that it was a real stunt. This new Mummy will probably also be super “gritty” and “edgy” and “dark.” I’m assuming it will tell a “whole new side” to the Mummy story.

I say phooey to that, The Mummy (1999)! PHOOEY! I love you just the way you are! You are silly and campy and deliriously fun. I won’t betray you when the new film comes out in theaters. I mean, I’ll watch it if it eventually hits Netflix in 2019, but I’m not going to choose it over you.

Because here’s the thing, Mummy, you are special. You think movies should be full of rip-roaring adventure and cheerful optimism. You come from a time before tumblr, so you’re not insecure about all the ways in which you’re problematic. Oh boy, you are problematic — but frankly, I don’t care.

As someone once said to someone called “Ponyboy,” STAY GOLDEN. Now, I’m saying that to you, Mummy. Never change and stay on Netflix forever.

Sincerely,

Meghan O’Keefe, Decider.com

PS: I’ll be spending time with your sequel, The Mummy Returns, on Netflix soon. SOON!

[Watch The Mummy (1999) on Netflix]