‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap, Season 6 Episode 2: Return Of The Mack

Hi, my name is John, and I’m recapping Game Of Thrones this season, whether I like it or not.

That’s right. It is my job to gobble up Game Of Thrones, slide my finger down my throat, splatter puke it back up, and then eat the resulting sick like a dog. Speaking of dogs, this week’s episode features a pack of adorable pooches eating a baby! But off camera, so nbd.

If this is the first time you’re reading this recap, welcome. I am a critically-acclaimed journalist, social media shut-in, and sensitive personal essayist for the notable literary journal Medium.com. If you’re thinking I’m too good to be recapping a show that’s what you get when you cross a Renaissance Faire with Mad Max: Fury Road, then you’re right. I am. The only reason I’m writing this recap is for the paycheck. The very, very tiny paycheck.

But I’m glad you’re here, feeding me pageviews, because there is no more valuable token of self-worth than a pageview. I need them. God, I need them. I know you could go read thoughtful, clever, well-written recaps other places, like The Wall Street Journal, the official newspaper of House Lannister, but you’ve chosen to read THIS one. Thank you. Maybe that’s because you don’t know how to use the internet? Or maybe it’s because you’re emotionally damaged, just like me? I don’t know why you’re here, but I’m happy you are, you absolute philistine. My recap may not be thorough or, frankly, professional. But I promise you, dear numbskull, that I am too lazy to look up the correct spelling of the ridiculous names of any of the characters in this demented porno fairy tale gone nasty. So spare me any corrections on Twitter because i. do. not. care.

First off, last night’s episode made Twitter BLOW UP. SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT NO ONE SAW COMING. Of course, if you follow Game Of Thrones and you didn’t see what happened last night coming, then you may be somewhat dim. But we’ll get to that later, after I’ve burned through my word count.

Also, last night’s episode of Game Of Thrones was noticeably lacking boobs or buttocks or candle-lit threesomes in exotic brothels. Which is a bummer. I’d also like to point out that, thus far, there has been little food this season, which I find disappointing. I am a big fan of acting while eating. I love scenes were kings and their functionaries plot and whisper while sucking meat off bones and breaking bread and then dunking that bread in savory slop. Lips slicked with grease delivering portentous warnings are the best. This is just an observation. But, personally, I could do with a little more hot Dothraki-style humping or, I dunno, a character stabbing the air with a turkey leg to make a dramatic point.

Okay! So! Let’s get this over with. Here’s what happened on last night’s Game Of Thrones:

Bran is back and he’s Swamp Thing.

You may have forgotten Bran, Ned Stark’s youngest son. (UPDATE AT 11:22 AM: I was just informed that Rickon Stark is the youngest Stark, not Bran. I forgot about Rickon, just like the producers of Game of Thrones. Thanks for pointing out that I got that wrong, loser!) He’s the kid who was pushed out of a window because he caught siblings Jamie and Cersei Lannister trying to make another nephew-son/niece-daughter. This crippled the poor kid, because it sucks to be a Stark. Oh, man, I went too far back. I am not going to recap everything that happened since then. So much plot.

When we last saw Bran and his crew – including noble rednecks Meera and her brother Jojen, and Hodor, gentle giant/DJ – they were battling zombies after a long journey to find a magic tree that Bran saw in his dream. This battle ended poorly for Jojen, who was mortally wounded, and then mercy killed by his sister. Like I always say, nothing will fuck a person up more than having to cut the throat of a family member mortally wounded by a zombie.

We didn’t see much of Bran last season because he was busy going through puberty. But now we’re getting plenty of ol’ psychic Bran and his white eyes and visions.

Bran has been spending his days hallucinating while wrapped in the roots of the magic with a weird elf child, mysterious mentor Lor San Tekka, and that stupid three-eyed raven. Jesus, George, did you do LSD in the 70s? (Don’t answer, we know.) While tripping out, Bran travels back in time and sees his father and his lost brother, Benjen, as boys in Winterfell. We also get to meet Ned’s dead sister Lyanna, who is actually Jon Snow’s mother. Spoiler alert! Is that how that works? Yes. She is. Guess who ISN’T Jon Snow’s father? Yes! Anyway, Westeros will one day be ruled by sexy Targaryens once again. But why rush to the end? We’re having fun. We also learn that Hodor wasn’t always one word muttering doofus and that his name is actually Willis. Then the stupid three-eyed raven snaps Bran out of the reverie. Meera is sad because you would be too. She talks to a weird elf child. The end.

Back at The Wall, champion jackass Thorne is getting ready to break down the door, kill nice guy Davos, and steal back Jon Snow’s beautiful corpse. But then the Wildlings come to the rescue! But that’s not the best part of this scene! Because the Giant is with them! The Giant is so chill! I love the Giant. Some dumbass shoots him with an arrow and the Giant strolls over to the guy, picks him up by his feet and smashes his head against a wall. But, like, he’s not savage about it. He’s just, like, hey bro not cool check this out. What do you think he does when he’s not pulverizing humans? Plays the banjo? Collects banjos? I bet the Giant has an excellent Etsy store.

Next up we meet a popular King’s Landing stand-up comedian who does a great routine about Cersei Lannister being a harlot. Then Ser Robert Strong, who is the resurrected Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane because DUH, brains the joker one-handed because that’s how you handle trolls in Westeros. We stay in King’s Landing for a while to learn that the High Sparrow, the leader of an army of religious fanatics, is taking over the kingdom. There are so many religions in Game Of Thrones, unlike real life, where there is only one religion and that is pageviews.

Anyway, The High Sparrow is played by Jonathan Pryce who was the star of my favorite movie Brazil, directed by Terry Gilliam. It’s a smart dystopian comedy about cruelty and bureaucracy that you probably wouldn’t understand because it’s art.

We also learn that King Tommen is a decent kid who can recognize he makes mistakes and apologize. Tommen is the nephew/son of Cersei and Jaime and by all accounts he should be an evil little piglet. But no. He would be a good king if the zealots weren’t purging Kings Landing of sinners and rivals. King Tommen is probably going to drown in his own entrails at some point.

You know it’s going to be a good scene when Tyrion’s first line is a joke about dicks. Ugh. Drunk Tyrion is best Tyrion. While Westeros will one day tremble before the might of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen, I really want Tyrion and Varys to reign. That would be fabulous. But I digress, because why not? If you’re still reading this you’ve “opted in” as we like to say in the godless digital media business. So Tyrion, Varys, Grey Worm, and Missandei are talking about their sitch, which ain’t hot. Their fleet is burned. The slave masters are fighting back. But Tyrion has an idea: release the dragons, who are on a hunger strike. He concludes, thanks to his knowledge of history and dragonology, that these creatures are smart and will are loyal to friends. What follows is best summed up in four words: TYRION, MASTER OF DRAGONS. He releases them. They’re good. Okay, okay, Tyrion, Master of Dragons, is almost as awesome as Chill Murder Giant.

Back to Braavos, the relatively peaceful banking city built around a suicide temple. Arya is still Daredevil and Stick shows up. Everything is cool? This subplot bored me in the books, which I read, because I am an acclaimed writer and thinker, and it bores me in the show.

The bastard Ramsay Bolton is a powerful argument for cognitive behavioral therapy. You know, if this guy had a safe space to talk about the issues he has with his father, Roose, he may not have to flay people alive. But, alas, Ramsey is filled with unresolved anger issues and that’s why he, randomly and without warning, guts his father upon hearing the news that a new heir to the Bolton throne has been sired. Ramsey then lures his father’s wife and newborn brother into a kennel and sicks his hounds on the pair. THAT IS SO MESSED UP. Ramsey is the reason we should all be rooting for the White Walkers because Westeros is nothing but toxic family dynamics and the terrible, horrible, constant murder of innocents.

I’m going to skip over the next scene with Sansa, Brienne, Pod, and Reek. There was not enough Brienne in this scene. Brienne is noble and good and will probably die and I will never forgive ANYONE involved in this show is she does get killed.. Brienne deserves to be loved and respected. I love and respect you, Brienne of Tarth. Come down off your horse: I have prepared a modest bowl of stew for you and drawn you a hot bath. Take off your armor, put down your sword, you are safe here, with me. Let me fill this goblet of wine for you. Clean yourself and tell me of your adventures and let me massage your feet and kiss your naked shoulders.

Oh, yeah, and Theon is leaving. He’s going back to his people, the Ironborn, who are, in case you forgot, goth af pirate vikings.

SPEAKING OF THE IRONBORN: we haven’t seen these guys in awhile. Theon’s sister, badass Yara, argues with her father, the Ironborn king Balon. Being a crusty old Neptune-looking jerk, he dismisses her, because every man in Game Of Thrones dismiss the women in their lives, and then makes a FATAL MISTAKE. That mistake is deciding to walk across a rickety rope bridge suspended hundreds of feet in the air during a storm. Who’s idea was it to build a castle that’s three towers connected by a rickety-ass rope bridge? That’s just bad design. Balon is confronted on this bridge by his rival brother Euron and the pair engage in an impassioned dialogue about the nature of earthly power and the fragility of the human heart. Ha, ha, ha. Euron throws the old fart off the bridge. Ha, ha, ha.

OKAY SO NOW WE’RE BACK AT THE WALL! You won’t believe what happens next. It will blow your mind. Your tongue will roll out of your mouth like a carpet while steam screams out of your ears. Melisandre is moping because she’s not as powerful as she thought she was. I sympathize with her, of course. I am a handsome man. Cerebral, but also, objectively, good-looking. Sexy in a casual, but palpable, way. But, like Melisandre, deep down I’m really an old naked forest witch. Nice guy Davos begs Melisandre to try to bring Jon Snow back to life. Which is impossible, of course, except that everyone in Westeros can come back to life, because this is something we know. She buckles in and performs what I like to think of as a pretty standard “basic bitch” reanimation spell: you wipe the body clean, cut some hair, throw the hair in a fire, all while reciting CAPTCHA words. But it doesn’t work. Sad. Everyone is sad. Jon Snow does not come back to life. Everyone leaves. Oh, well. But, wait! WHAT?

Yes. Jon Snow comes back to life. We all knew he would. Why are you surprised? Seriously.

Okay. So there you go. We went on a journey together, didn’t we? Wasn’t this recap utterly beautiful? See you next week for the SERIES FINALE of Game Of Thrones!

[Watch Game Of Thrones on HBO Go and HBO Now]

John DeVore is a writer who lives in Brooklyn, the Paris of Long Island. Follow his undiagnosed narcissism on Twitter at @JohnDeVore.