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Game of Thrones

Hi, my name is John, and I’m recapping Game of Thrones this season, because somebody has to do it.

This week’s episode had LOTS of talking, and no nudity whatsoever. But there was a sword fight with stabbings and blood spray. That was fun. But, to be honest, it was a little boring. So tonight I paused the show halfway through so I could go out and buy a box of La Croix sparkling water because it is delicious. I’m a big fan of the grapefruit flavor, although I understand coconut is also popular. I don’t know why I love La Croix. It’s a refreshing low-calorie drink that I just appreciate. Anyway, if anyone from La Croix’s PR team is reading this, follow and DM me on Twitter. I’m not a journalist. I’m a shameless shapeless ancient mist animating the long dead husk of John DeVore and I am thirsty.

The best thing I can say about this week’s episode is that it is continuing to set up the epic’s long overdue climax. The end is in sight. We all know what’s coming. And if you don’t know, you’re going to know, because I’m going to spell it out for you right now: Winter will come, but winter will lose. Secrets will be revealed. King Jon Snow and Queen Daenerys Targaryen are going to hump on the back of a soaring dragon as their enemies are engulfed in flames. Tyrion will be okay.

I am happy that the producers were able to pry the story away from mad god George RR Martin’s candy bar fingers. If he were to actually finish a new book it would no doubt be another 800 page tome with characters walking around, talking, eating, and never, ever, bathing.

Here’s everything that happened on last night’s episode, give or take a detail, or a name. It’s late. I’m on La Croix number three.

O FOR A MUSE OF FIRE WE BEGIN THE TALE AT.. THE WALL!

Remember how at the end of last week’s episode Jon Snow came back to life? No? Is this your first episode of Game of Thrones ever? Yeesh. Okay so: It’s Lord of the Rings with ALOT more doggy-style sex and graphic torture. You’re caught up. So Jon Snow is back and he’s feeling pretty emo about it. But he’s still dreamy and hunky and I know I said there was no nudity but we DO get to see the barest whisper of his butt in this scene.

How exactly did he come back to life? Shhh, shhh. You’re an adult watching a soft-core gore quest with dragons. It doesn’t matter. The best part is when sexy necromancer Melisandre asks Jon what he saw when he was dead and Jon was like “nothing.” That is so goth. The scene ends with everyone being pretty freaked out that Jon Snow is alive, even though he’s covered in stab wounds. I don’t know why everyone is REALLY freaked out because they live in a land where armies of undead zombies exist. I mean, it’s weird, sure. But not a crazy stretch. Anyway, glowering Davos, Stannis’ former bro, has a healthy outlook on all of this, however. He tells Jon, and I’m paraphrasing, that, for the sake of the plot, not to worry too much about stuff.

Jon then reveals himself to the Wildlings and the rest of the Night Watch and they’re all “WHAAAAAAAAAA.” Jon hugs his bestie Edd and tells him to hold off on burning his body and they laugh and everything is okay… but is it?

Okay next scene we’re on a boat with Samwise Tarly, Gilly, and her baby born of unfortunate familial circumstances. They’re supposed to be going to Oldtown, which is where the Hogwarts of the Maesters is located. I don’t know what the wizard-doctors of Westeros are going to do for Sam because they’re all pretty useless. Westeros is a shitshow of misery. They’re like the liberal arts professors of the apocalypse. But, wait, they’re not going to Oldtown! Sam is taking Gilly and her sadbaby to his ancestral home where Sam will pretend the kid is his. Gilly is not happy about this detour. Hopefully this will be important at some point in the future. I’d like to point out that Samwell is kind and gentle and genuinely loves Gilly, who is likewise kind and gentle. They are doomed, of course. In Westeros, like on Tinder, love is death.

Aaaaand we’re back with Bran and Max Von Sydow, who is also the three-eyed crow? Is that right? I don’t know. At this point in the show I received a text from my mom that read “This is confusing.” When I told my mom that I was recapping Game of Thrones, which is her favorite show, she asked me whether I make a living at that and I told her no. Then she asked me what I was doing with my life and I wished her a happy Mother’s Day. I guess my point is: Do what you love. What does that mean? I do not know. I read it on a Facebook meme.

So I paused the show and called her up and explained that Bran and the actor from The Exorcist are doing some weapons-grade ayahuasca and traveling back in time together. This episode’s particular flashback continues to drop clues as to the true parentage of Jon Snow… which is probably the most important part of the whole story. Bran meets a younger Ned Stark, with head, and company, on their way to rescue his sister, who was being held in the ominously named Tower of Joy. She had been put there by Rhaegar Targaryen, the son of the Mad King who the Starks, the Baratheons, and the Lannisters deposed in a rebellion. This rebellion had been partly sparked because Ned’s sister was meant for the once and future king Robert, but was kidnapped.

Really, really long story short: Bran was shown his father’s brutal fight to save his sister. Everyone knows Jon isn’t really Ned’s bastard son — he’s the son of Ned’s sister Lyanna and Rhaegar. Ned swore to watch over Jon, because Targaryen blood wasn’t too popular after their overthrow. This makes Jon part Targaryen and part Stark. Max Von Sydow then snaps Bran awake, warning him that it’s too dangerous to linger in the past. Then we’re treated to a fun back and forth about how much it sucks to a be an old man stuck in a tree for a thousand years.

We catch up with Daenerys, who is dragged to Dothraki Burning Man, and meets the Real Housewives of the Khals. These widows of former chieftains of uncomfortable ethnic stereotypes are the worst sorority ever and they do NOT like Daenarys. Our white-haired hero reminds these hussies that she is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea and they are like “WOTEVA.” It turns out that Daenarys is going to be judged by the Dothraki, because the horse patriarchy. Little do they know at some point in the very near future they gonna burn good.

Next up, we get Varys fanning himself like the little dumpling-shaped badass he happens to be. The spymaster of King’s Landing blackmails a member of the Sons of the Harpy into revealing information on these psycho slavemasters. It’s a pretty sweet deal: Give ‘em up, and he’ll admit her into witness protection and throw in a bag of silver. I wonder how much a bag of silver buys in the Free Cities. Things seem to be a little less crazy in the Free Cities. Braavos, for instance, seems nice, even if it’s built around a suicide temple. From there, we visit Tyrion and Grey Worm and Missandei. There is banter and everyone is bored and I’m bored this is boring boring boring. Tyrion gets in one pretty sassy one-liner that will make a nice T-shirt.

Hey, what’s going on in King’s Landing? Okay, right up front, let’s get the dull scene between good boy King Tommen and the High Sparrow. The king is all “STOP BEING MEAN TO MOMMY” and Jonathan Pryce purrs “no” and that’s that. We also get a scene where Cersei and Jaime and Ser Vader crash the small council that is busy running the awful kingdom of Westeros. We get to see kween bee Olenna Tyrell, the grandmother of the imprisoned wife of the king. The Lannister kids are asserting themselves! Good for them. The best part of our visit to King’s Landing is creepy defrocked maester Qyburn offering candied plums to the guttersnipes Varys used as spies around the kingdom. Man, I wonder if candied plums are good? There has been so little food this season. Also: Everyone has given up referring to Ser Robert Strong as Ser Robert Strong when it’s OBVIOUS HE’S ZOMBIE GREGOR CLEGANE. People come back to life in Westeros with really disturbing frequency. Fortunately, Jon Snow is still beautiful. He’s really a beautiful man. Gregor Clegane? Not so much.

Oh, Jesus, Arya. Sigh. Right. Okay. As I mentioned previously, Braavos seems like an okay place. They have all the money. Everything seems pretty stable. I’d totally want to live in Braavos than anywhere else we’ve been. But then there’s that suicide temple in the middle of it. That’s a red flag. Arya is back in the suicide temple, stick fighting. Always stick fighting. Ugh. She was blind, now she’s not blind. Ugh ugh ugh. I hope she gets something to do next episode other than stick fight. I miss the Hound.

Ramsey! Remember last episode when Ramsey fed his step-mom and brother to his dogs? Man, Ramsey is a bad dude. Just the worst. Also, remember when I joked that the producers had forgotten the youngest Stark Rickon? Ha, ha. Well, he’s been captured and given to Ramsey, along with his protector, the awesome wildling Osha. Sure sucks to be a Stark. I can’t wait until these kids get their revenge. But here’s some realness: The traitorous northmen who caught Rickon also killed his direwolf. That made me sad. I hope that direwolf is in direwolf heaven chasing diresquirrels.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE WALL: phew, it’s been a long episode. Jon hangs Thorne and the other Night’s Watch who thought it was a good idea to knife their Lord Commander. Kudos to the make up department for the truly gnarly faces of the dead as they hung from their ropes.

But this execution was a bit much for dear beautiful Jon: he hands up his cozy black fur cape and walks out on the Night’s Watch. You can’t do that, of course. The Night’s Watch is a lifetime commitment. Like Scientology. But Jon’s had a tough time lately: the love of his life was killed, he fought off a zombie army, then he tried to do the right thing and was murdered. THEN he came back to life. Dude is wiped out. So his watch is ended. Bye Jon. Bye.

Overall, this episode could have used more sex and violence, and less plot. It’s been six seasons, (and a couple dozen books) and I’m really read for the Stark kids to start fucking some shit up. But that’s just me. It’s 2AM! I’m going to drink another La Croix and then reread this long recap, and edit out the really crazy parts that make no sense.

See you next week, Game of Throners!

[Watch Game Of Thrones on HBO Go and HBO Now]

John DeVore is a writer who lives in Brooklyn, the Paris of Long Island. Follow his undiagnosed narcissism on Twitter at @JohnDeVore.