It’s a lot of smiling men all at once. Especially for someone who doesn’t watch The Bachelorette. So to break it down, I pretended I was just swiping through Tinder, and assessed each man the way I would from my couch at home. Is he cute? Does he say something dumb? Is he relationship material? Or truly: is he worth swiping right for maybe a decent night? Don’t you dare judge. You leave that to me.
Which is exactly what I did right here. Some immediate reactions, some in-depth analysis of their contestant bios, and a lot, and I mean A LOT of goofy grins.
My favorite question in their bio is: “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” To me, this means choose the type that is generally usually you. Nearly all of these V-neck wearing men had a hard time choosing just one and loved to state that it “depends”. I know, not every party is the same, but pretty much all of you dudes are.
Some try to come off overly romantic, some try to be tough guys, and a large number of them really want to be besties with Mark Cuban. They might think they’re going to be on Shark Tank. Yikes.
The bottom line is, we’re in for a real interesting season. JoJo, girl, you’ve got your hands full with this bunch. Best of luck to you all!
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JoJo Fletcher, The Bachelorette, 25
I know nothing about this woman but this is a great picture. Her hair and makeup are pretty and that's a great red dress. That being said, I saw a lot of people tweeting about "JoJo" when The Bachelor was on and I thought they meant the singer JoJo who I love. So when I realized that is not who they were talking about, I would get annoyed. It would be cooler if this was the talented singer, but this lady seems nice enough and I hope she finds love with one of these dopes.
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Alex, U.S. Marine, 25
My first instinct is that this dude is cute. I don't know what a "work-related" tattoo is that he claims to have, and I would definitely have to teach him how to dance and learn to love it since he says he only slow dances, but overall he seems like a nice enough, family-oriented dude so why not give him a right swipe.ABC
Ali, Bartender, 27
Something about this bro at first glance is just...too much. His V-neck feels aggressive. He loves it when his date "dresses sexy", which, sure, women like to feel sexy. But that's a lot of pressure. I'm more of a hoodie and sneakers kind of gal so I can just tell things wouldn't work out with us. Plus, he's afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" so it's like, who does he expect to get rid of those pests around my apartment? Sorry Ali, left swipe. ABC
Brandon, Hipster, 28
His occupation is listed as "Hipster". No, Brandon. No. That is a swift swipe to the left.
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Chad, Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28
Chad started out strong: he's hot and for his favorite movies he listed "The Notebook (don't make fun of me), Runner Runner, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Strong picks! But The Notebook should be the least of his his fears when it comes to why people will make fun of him. He proceeded to answer, "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright", to questions about who he admires and who he would want to have lunch with. NOT alright X3. ABC
Chase, Medical Sales Rep, 27
Chase makes it very clear he's not going to "sell his truck" for me/love, but why would I ever want him to. Seems kind of ok, right. ABC
Christian, Telecom Consultant, 26
Homeboy talks about his ex in his bio when asked about his pets! She took his Chihuahua. TMI to the max, Christian. ABC
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Coley, Real Estate Consultant, 27
His worst date memory is "when she told me she was moving in -- a week after the first date" and I'm inclined to believe he had something to do with that. Don't trust him. ABC
Derek, Commercial Banker, 29
Derek is hot. Enough so that I don't want to read any of his bio and have him ruin it with his dumb words. While he uses the phrase "my baby blues" when asked about his best attributes and also seems to be scared of cucumbers, he is FOR SURE scared of "fluffy kittens" which is nice because I don't want to own a cat ever, so this works out well. Right on you Derek! ABC
Daniel, Male Model, 31
This person refers to his body as a "lambo" not once, but twice. Two more times than ever, ever necessary. Bye.
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Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Expert, 33
Evan's occupation is an Erectile Dysfunction Expert, a profession I have a lot of questions about that I don't want any of the answers to. It's also a deal-breaker for him if you have an uncontrollable food allergy, so, great dude! To the left, to the left. ABC
Grant, Firefighter, 27
Grant is a firefighter (hot) who evaded the police in Mexico (sketchy) and hated listening to a girl talk about Harry Potter at lunch (judgy). But he saved a life once, so, right swipe. ABC
Jake, Landscape Architect, 26
Swiping right on Jake because I don't have a solid enough reason to reject him. Kinda want more info on whatever he's doing with his eyebrow in this picture too. ABC
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James F., Boxing Club Owner, 34
This guy does something called "carb cycling" which immediately sounds like something I wouldn't be into. But honestly it's the fact that he's lasering off all 3 of his tattoos that turns me off. I clearly put more thought into which way to swipe on him than he did when it came to permanently altering his body. Left. ABC
James S., Bachelor Superfan, 27
James' occupation is "Bachelor Superfan" and I can't seem to find any statistics on how much that pays a year? Doesn't matter since he's not using any money to pay for sushi since he hates it SO much. ABC
James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter, 29
Am I going to swipe right on this guy just because of his name? Highly likely. But he has arguably the best answers of any of the guys. He uses words like "Michael Jordan", "Beer (unlimited supply, of course)", and "NFL QB" in his bio so he seems like a typical dude without trying to be overly cheesy or masculine. Sing me a song, James! ABC
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Jonathan, Technical Sales Rep, 29
Jonathan doesn't believe that gluten is a real allergy or that vegetables are a real thing that he should be eating. So I don't believe he'll be getting a right swipe. ABC
Jordan, Former Pro Quarterback, 27
Semi-into Jordan. His idea of a wild time in the bedroom is mounting a TV without using directions so that's not the most encouraging sign, but he's cute enough so he gets a right swipe. He should hang out with James Taylor who always wanted to be a QB. Maybe they're a match. ABC
Luke, War Veteran, 31
Luke is a war veteran and even though he looks like he's ready to jump into an X-Men movie for some reason, he seems sweet enough. Right on. ABC
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Nick B., Electrical Engineer, 33
All you need to know about Nick B. is that his favorite magazine is Ducks Unlimited. If you've ever even heard of that, you should swipe right because he seems sorta ok otherwise? But I don't know what it means so I'm going left.ABC
Nick S., Software Salesman, 26
For the record, Nick S. is the ONLY dude without a big goofy smile in his picture. It is both worrisome and sexy that he has a closed mouth glare going on here. He once chased a mountain lion, which, again, can't decide if that is badass or dumbass, and apparently there are some cheeses he finds scary. Gonna take a chance and swipe right on this one.ABC
Peter , Staffing Agency Manager, 26
Peter is going THIS WEEK to get a tattoo in honor of his grandpa. That is lovely but also very specific. I'm not getting the impression from him that he'll be bringing home any MacArther Genius Grants anytime soon, and he looks generally awkward in this picture so... I apologize Peter, but you're going left. ABC
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Robby, Former Competitive Swimmer, 27
Ok Robby's hot. I prefer RobbIE, but let's see what else he has to offer. The swimming is interesting and he's happy to offer up a tidbit about him hanging out in Speedos a lot, but it's the fact that he both has a favorite flower and knows what a Honeysuckle is that makes me go right with him.ABC
Sal, Operations Manager, 28
Let's hope The Bachelorette doesn't make Sal go on a date to a desert island because if so, he would want to take "Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner" and zero Kardashians. I'm sure those are smart choices for survival, but I can't imagine him actually surviving.ABC
Vinny, Barber, 28
If Vinny had an actual Tinder profile he would look hot in some pics and unrecognizable in others. Would probably have a lot of pics of himself in big groups of male friends too. He did once fly to Mexico to "surprise his boys on spring break." That says almost as much about him as the fact that he won't get a tattoo because his mom would kill him. Sigh.ABC
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Wells, Radio DJ, 31
Wells, Wells, Wells. Look what we have here! If you are unfamiliar with Tinder, you get 1 Super Like per day (unless you have a paid account, which, what?) and I'm using mine on Wells. He's the hottest one in this bunch, he answers the questions appropriately and succinctly and he's also anti-cat! All of this is adding up so well, I can even overlook that fact that he "doesn't love" pizza. Fine. Let's have that be your fun little quirk. Hells yes Wells. ABC
Will, Civil Engineer, 26
I mean, he's no Wells, but he's fine enough. At first, the fact that he wanted to be John Mayer for a day was troubling but then it was like, no that makes sense. He can't cook or answer that damn personality question, but he's fine. He'll do. Whatever. Right.
Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
