Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Pop quiz: What is the single televised event that attracts more viewers than the Super Bowl?
Answer? Europe’s favorite event: Eurovision.
Eurovision started after the end of WWII as a way for Europeans can come together and heal. It has, um, devolved a little bit since then (or, as Belarus would tell you, Eurovision is, “a hotbed of sodomy”). The 2016 finals will be live streamed at 3pm ET this Saturday on Eurovision.tv. Here’s why you need to tune in.
The outfits!
Eurovision is the best of the MET Gala, your 4th grade culture fair and American Idol all rolled into one weird, campy package.
Russian grannies!
Warning! This will haunt your dreams.
Wind machines!
Contestants getting ready for Eurovision ask themselves, “What aesthetic would 2010 Beyonce use?” and then they add about 15 more wind machines and double down on the haireography (I’m looking at you, Spain.)
The live voting!
Once everyone performs, the live voting begins. A broadcaster from each country stands in front of one of that country’s most iconic symbols and awards points to the other countries. For the broadcasts, this is their time to shine on a global level. Luckily for us, not all of them are up to the challenge.
Whatever is happening in Poland right here!
There's no love lost for the former Soviet Union!
Former Soviet bloc countries give the Russian entry just enough votes to ensure they don’t get invaded but not enough so they win. Don’t believe me? Ask Ukraine. The year before Russia annexed Crimea, the Ukraine placed above Russia in Eurovision. Coincidence? I think not. Just check out what happened when Russia called in its votes last year.
Conchita!
Conchita is the brightest of all Eurovision stars. Her rise to greatness should give you faith that maybe our better selves can persevere. That the world can find peace. That the children, really are, our future. Conchita. Conchita is everything.
JEDWARD!
ABBA, Celine Dion and Olivia Newton John!
ABBA, Celine Dion and Olivia Newton John were all discovered at Eurovision. They are the Kelly Clarkson of Europe.
The infighting!
Everyone oddly resents France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the United Kingdom. These countries are part of the “Big Five” which is essentially the Security Council of Eurovision. The “Big Five” don’t have to go through the semifinals, they are automatically entered into the finals each and every year. Which means during the finals basically nobody votes for them.
It's not about us!
With everything that’s going on in America right now, aren’t you just a little sick of us? Eurovision is a global cultural phenomenon that captivates this huge population of the world that has absolutely nothing to do with Americans. So sit back, relax, and let the wind machines take you away.
If you’re Stateside, your best bet is to stream it on Eurovision.tv starting around 2pm ET. And! For the first time ever, Americans will be able to watch it on actual television. Tune in to Logo to watch!
Joy Engel is a writer in Portland, Maine. Follow her on Twitter: @joyengel
