‘Outlander’ Season 2, Episode 7: That Girl Is Poison

Take heart, Outlander fans. Things are not looking great for our beloved Jamie (Sam Heughan) and Claire (Caitriona Balfe). Last week’s episode ended with Claire collapsing mid-miscarriage and Jamie being carted off by the Jardins (aka NYPD FRENCH) for stabbing Black Jack (Tobias Menzies) in the penis.

Where do we go from here?

Boston 1954???

Ah, yes, lest we forget, Outlander is a time travel show. That’s how we can jump from Claire fainting in 1740s France to Claire telling her little redhaired daughter all about Scottish birds in 1954 America. Oh, future Claire is cool and poised and full of sorrow as she remembers her fond times rolling in the highlands. But this reverie must soon come to an end and we must return to the hell we left behind.

Claire comes to in 1744 Paris and is horrified to discover that her daughter was born dead. Claire flies into a rage and kills the Virgin Mary. Okay, she just knocks a little Madonna statue over, but it’s metaphoric. Mother Hildegarde then tells a dying, feverish Claire that she took the initiative, broke the law, and baptized the dead baby Faith. As someone who was raised Catholic, I get that this is a huge solid, but I also get that it’s kind of not Mother Hildegarde’s place to name a dead baby after a deep religious conviction without first consulting the mother.

Needless to say, Claire immediately rejects the concept of faith. The irony is palpable. The only thing Claire doesn’t totally reject? Bouton, the magical dog doctor.

Later that night, a hooded figure comes to Claire’s bedside. It’s creepy Master Raymond. He wants her focus on her spirit animal as he performs some kind of reiki magic on her puerperal fever. He saves her and tells her something inspirational about her aura. I want a magic man to save me and compliment my aura, but then, I want a great many things that cannot be. Then he rushes away, into the night, with the mystical promise of a magical man to see her once again.

I think it’s important for me to say here that reiki magic this is something you should try at home.

Claire discovers that despite everything they talked about, Jamie is rotting in the Bastille and Black Jack is still not dead. Claire is not happy about any of this. She returns to her new hobby of hating God.

However, when Claire finally goes home, she discovers that she is not the only person suffering in a tornado of black emotion. Fergus is acting weird and suffering from nightmares. It turns out that Black Jack raped the boy. Jamie walked in on this and that’s why Jamie challenged him to a duel. Oh, that makes sense.

Now, poor Fergus is not only suffering from PTSD, but he also blames himself for Jamie’s current predicament. Claire won’t accept this. Claire is fired up! Claire will do anything to save Jamie — including sleeping with King Louis XV. Wait. What? That’s like the last thing that noble Scot would want.

Sadly, the King decides he’s less interested in sex and more interested in magical constellation rooms. He wants to rid Paris of all evil magicians! And Claire is La Dame Blanche! She is a witch! So are Master Raymond and Comte St. Germain! They will all die! Oh, wait, maybe they won’t all die! See, Claire’s reputation is as a “white witch.” The King charges her with a magical test of magical proportions.

What precisely is Claire’s magical test? To decide who is a good magician and who is an evil one. Naturally, she decides to throw Comte St. Germain under the bus and to save her toady friend. The moment of revenge is sweetened by the revelation that St. Germain did try to poison Claire. WHAT. A. DICK.

Ah, ah-ha! But it won’t be that easy! King Louis XV decides to spice things up by bringing out a giant snake. Worried about this, Claire hatches a plan to give both men a fancy root extract that mimics poison, but isn’t. It still looks bad going into Master Raymond, though.

He manages to metabolize it, though. Master Raymond has passed the fake poison test! Hurrah! But then — BUT THEN! — Claire’s necklace turns black, signaling that Master Raymond slipped real poison into the cup. Everything is getting crazy! Both Claire and St. Germain are freaking out, but it can’t be helped. She has to give him the cup — on orders of the king.

St. Germain is dead, Master Raymond is banished, and Claire still has to bone the King for Jamie’s freedom. It’s uncomfortable to watch and not fun for Claire.

Nevertheless, it lasts about 25 seconds and Claire’s hair doesn’t get messed up. King Louis XV pardons Jamie and Claire gets to take an orange for the road. So, there’s that. In the grand scheme of things, it isn’t the worst thing to happen to Claire.

Jamie stumbles home and now both he and Claire can grieve over the loss of their daughter together. Claire retells her story of woe and reveals that she did in fact get to see the stillborn Faith. For a whole day, Claire held the baby like it was alive. It is all so very tragic. To wit, Jamie has grown a grief beard.

Claire and Jamie have an emotional discussion about whose fault it is and isn’t that their baby is dead. Claire takes the blame, but Jamie tells her that he’s already forgiven her for everything that she’s done and could possibly do. That’s when she lets him know that she slept with the King to buy his freedom. Jamie is sad, but understands that she did it to save him — just as he gave himself up to Black Jack to save her. These are sad, broken people whose only saving grace is loving each other.

At this point, Jamie and Claire get a great idea: Fuck all of this. Fuck their past. Fuck France. Let’s go back to Scotland!

IT’S A GREAT PLAN.

But first: Jamie lays a Scottish spoon on their dead daughter’s French grave. Claire, all veiled like the Madonna, makes a sign of the cross.

She’s lost Faith, found faith, and we’re going back to Scotland where it’s awesome. Praise Jesus and Outlander!

[Watch Outlander on Starz]

[Gifs: copyright Starz, by Jaclyn Kessel]