The 10 Commencement Speeches Everybody Needs to Watch

The former host of The Daily Show spoke to the graduates about the broken state of the world, the need competency and decency, and the scariness of the so-called real world.

Most hilarious quote: “I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.”

Most inspiring quote: “The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this. College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.”

The journalist, author, and TV personality talked to the graduates about what to remember, how to inspire, and how to take the initiative that is needed in the world today.

Most hilarious quote: “I have absolutely no memory of actually graduating college…I couldn’t tell you what happened at my commencement. And it’s not just that I don’t remember what the speaker said, I don’t even remember who the speaker was. So I’m not nervous anymore cause you’re not going to remember a damn thing I say. You’re going to wake up tomorrow in your own bed, or someone else’s if you’re lucky. Hey you’re not going to see most of these people ever again, so why not go for it? Your parents have to go to sleep at some point.”

Most inspiring quote: “I know many of you graduating today are worried about the economy, about your job prospects. I wish I could tell you not to, but of course you should be concerned. The one thing I can tell you, however, is that this has happened before and we have recovered. The currents of history only move in one direction- and that’s forward.”

The funny-man imparted knowledge on all the graduates including how Kinko’s got its name, the importance of sunscreen, the magic that is Chipotle, and the changing nature of dreams.

Most hilarious quote: “Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best selling authors, olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me!”

Most inspiring quote: “You have been told to follow your dreams, but what if it’s a stupid dream? Thankfully dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don’t achieve it, you haven’t failed and you’re not some loser.”

Conan O’Brien, the generally hilarious host of Conan who has a hairstyle more famous than he is, used his trademark humor and silliness to get real with the class of 2011. O’Brien spoke about his career, failures, and triumphs all while imparting genuinely great advice.

Most hilarious quote: “My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend. That was great. And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it.”

Most inspiring quote: “At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said ‘Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.’ Today I have never believed that more.”

The Parks and Rec superstar, Tina Fey‘s other half, and the SNL alumna had some words of wisdom for the Harvard graduates of 2011. Poehler’s remarks included a reference to Fast 5, what career you should absolutely avoid (acting), and why the real world actually isn’t that bad. 

Most hilarious quote: “What do I know about Harvard? I know it is the oldest American university. I know it provides the ultimate experience in higher learning and according to the movies, I know it is filled with people who get rich either by inventing things or suing the people who they claim stole their invention. Let me be clear. I believe everything I see in movies. And if you remember anything I say today, remember this. Every single thing you see in movies is real.”

Most inspiring quote: “You can’t do it alone. As you navigate through the rest of your life, be open to collaboration. Other people and other people’s ideas are often better than your own. Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life. No one is here today because they did it on their own. You’re all here today because someone gave you strength, helped you, held you in the palm of their hand.”

From Sue Sylvester, the character you loved to hate on Glee, to hosting the Emmy’s, and to being generally awesome, Jane Lynch imparted some of her wisdom on the class of 2012. Lynch discussed a myriad of things including being true to yourself, finding love, being a C student, having past friends in prison, and creating a life that you’re proud of.

Most hilarious quote: “You are about to receive a piece of paper that proves to the world you are now fit to join the ranks of an elite and tremendously powerful group of game-changing women. Smith women have transformed cuisine, spearheaded social movements, created great literature and, in the case of my friend Piper, class of ’92, even gone to prison! But damnit — when a Smithie goes to prison — she writes a clever and compelling book about it!”

Most inspiring quote: “You will experience loss, heartache, the death of a loved one, you’ll probably have to say goodbye to a lover, you’ll experience rejection, maybe have to deal with a bad diagnosis. You’ll age. The trick isn’t to avoid these times or pretend they’re not happening; you can’t. What you’ll need to do is step up to them courageously and embrace them. Allow these experiences to permeate your being and weave them all into the fabric of your life. They will not only soften you and strengthen you, and you will open your heart to compassion. You will not be powerless in this. If you embrace what is happening, instead of denying it, you can make it your own.”

Aaron Sorkin the screenwriter of A Few Good Men, creator of The Newsroom and The West Wing, and an all around incredible writer delivered the 2012 commencement address at Syracuse University. Sorkin spoke of the passage of time, the importance of parents, and how dumb recent college graduates actually are.

Most hilarious quote: “And make no mistake about it, you are dumb. You’re a group of incredibly well-educated dumb people. I was there. We all were there. You’re barely functional. There are some screw-ups headed your way. I wish I could tell you that there was a trick to avoiding the screw-ups, but the screw-ups, they’re a-coming for ya. It’s a combination of life being unpredictable, and you being super dumb.”

Most inspiring quote: “Develop your own compass, and trust it. Take risks, dare to fail, remember the first person through the wall always gets hurt.”

The author of Looking for Alaska, podcaster of Dear Hank and John, and YouTuber with the wildly successful vlogbrothers, John Green certainly had much knowledge to impart on the graduates. This knowledge include what to not worry about, who not to look up to, and the ever depressing reminder that we’ll all die in the end (he did write The Fault in our Stars, after all).

Most hilarious quote:  “Do not worry too much about your lawn. You will soon find if you haven’t already that almost every adult American devotes tremendous time and money to the maintenance of an invasive plant species called turf grass that we can’t eat. I encourage you to choose better obsessions.”

Most inspiring quote: “You want to be the kind of person who other people–people who may not even born yet–will think about…at their own commencements. We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated.”

The lady behind The Mindy Project brought her signature blend of humor and honesty to the graduates of Harvard Law. After declaring all Ivy League schools equal (in that they’re all full of nerds) and praising past Harvard Law alumni (we’re looking at you Elle Woods), Kailing got serious and discussed her parents’ move to America and all that it meant for her.

Most hilarious quote:  “Harvard Law is the best of the Harvard graduate programs, ok, I can say this, we’re amongst friends. The Business School is full of crooks, the Divinity School is just a bunch of weird virgins, the School of Design is like European burnouts, and don’t even get me started on the Kennedy School. What kind of degree do you get from there, Public Policy? You mean a Masters in Boring Me to Death at a Dinner Party, I’m sorry. The med school is just a bunch of nerdy Indians—I can say that! The rest of you, you are out of line—that is racial, how dare you.”

Most inspiring quote: “Understand that one day you will have the power to make a difference.”

Shonda Rhimes, the woman behind such shows as Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal, gave the recent Dartmouth grads a lot to think about with her speech in the fast, witty, and inspiring style of many of the characters she writes. Rhimes discussed such things as the work life balance, being a woman in the workplace, and the necessity of dreaming less and doing more.

Most hilarious quote: “You don’t have a job? Get one. Any job. Don’t sit at home waiting for the magical opportunity. Who are you? Prince William? No. Get a job. Go to work.”

Most inspiring quote: “Dreams are lovely. But they are just dreams. Fleeting, ephemeral, pretty. But dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change. Ditch the dream and be a doer, not a dreamer.”