Really Internet: ‘Jurassic Park’ Never Had Any Dinosaurs

There are a lot of problems with Jurassic Park. Not plot problems, mind you — it’s almost a perfect movie. No, I’m talking about in-universe problems. For a dangerous zoo that “spared no expense,” it seems strange that Jurassic Park is apparently working with a crew of fewer than 10 engineers, next to no security guards, and a faulty generator system that collapses after one measly storm.

Of course we’re not faulting Spielberg for these oversights. In fact, these instances highlight John Hammond’s underlying problem. He’s a brilliant and excitable man, but dear god, he has trouble anticipating consequences and thinking things through. John’s (Richard Samuel Attenborough) quest to play God is the major conflict that stands at the center of this iconic film. However, what if we told you that John was less of a misguided and optimistic billionaire and more of a scheming entrepreneurial genius? Welcome to the world of internet fan theories, which have one goal — to question everything you love.

WHAT’S THE THEORY?

According to this devoted Redditor, Jurassic Park never had any dinosaurs. Instead, the park contained a collection of animal chimeras that roughly looked how people would expect dinosaurs to look. Jurassic Park isn’t about a group of top scientists touring a dinosaur theme park to ensure investors that this clearly terrible idea is safe. It’s about John trying to trick a group of professionals into thinking his mutants are the real thing.

WHY IT’S NOT THAT CRAZY

By John’s own admission, the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park aren’t 100% dino. As John explains to Alan, Ellie, and the often oiled and open-shirted Ian Malcolm, the team extracted as much dinosaur DNA as possible from mosquitoes caught in amber and similar ancient accidental preservation methods. The rest of the DNA sequence gaps are filled in with various animals, the most notable of which is a certain species of frog. If you remember, all the dinosaurs on the island are female, which is why they can’t reproduce. However, life finds a way, and in Jurassic Park’s case, that way has everything to do with frogs changing gender in certain conditions.

This theory posits a hauntingly intelligent question. Isn’t it more believable that Jurassic Park’s scientists were able to cobble together some dinosaur looking creatures then for those small traces of DNA to stay in tact for millions of years? All of the “dinosaurs” we see are actuially InGen’s successful attempts at genetic mutation.

The Reddit user Brownra04 points to the scientific discoveries we’ve made since 1993 (when Jurassic Park was released) as proof for why these creatures can’t be dinosaurs. For example, since 1993, we’ve learned that many dinosaurs should have had feathers, and all of Jurassic Park’s dinosaurs are feather-free. Under this interpretation, it’s questionable that these “dinosaurs” appear how we expect dinosaurs to look and not as the feathered creatures science has now proven them to be. Don’t want to apply real science to movie logic? That’s fine, but if you shake off the real world scientific implications, this theory still holds up. The quote that best supports the fake dinosaur theory comes from John himself:

John gives delivers this speech while he’s talking to Ellie. He’s at his lowest after having to watch the park fall apart around him. It’s in that moment, as he watches his dreams collapse, that John compares Jurassic Park to a lie.

WHY IT’S QUESTIONABLE

God, I want to find a hole in this theory. I want so badly to believe that, in Jurassic Park’s universe, what we’re seeing are actually dinosaurs. However, this idea lines up too perfectly with John’s theatrical ways and the movie’s moral about the consequences of playing God to completely discredit it. If it’s any consolation, remember two paleontologists and a mathematician were fooled by John’s hybrids as well.

[Where to watch Jurassic Park]

Photos: Everett Collection