The Bachelorette, week 3, what a doozy. Imagine if JoJo was your friend and she called you up to tell you about these dates? What would you even say? “Girl, run”? Before we get to the awards portion, let’s first get just a little refresher on what went down.
We open on trees TP’ed like never before, and half our gents asleep in their swim trunks outside. Half-full, or really half-empty in this case, champagne glasses have been abandoned all throughout the house. It’s not just messy, it’s straight up disrespectful to champagne to not finish your glass. But clearly these dudes had already had too much. But like, why? They were just tired from worrying about Chad’s every move and every bite? Does anyone else in this house eat at all? Did they make Chris Harrison clean up this mess?
While those questions remain unanswered, JoJo and Chase go on a date to some strange yoga place, where the first words out of the instructors mouth are, “How long have you guys been intimate?” Lady. Who told you to ask that? You know these two are on a first date and it would’ve been less awkward if one of their aunts asked them that question instead. They continue to do yoga that is not nearly as sweaty as most people get, clean up and have a nice date, and then slow dance in front of Charles Kelley.
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Meanwhile, 12 dudes find out they are going on a group date with JoJo. 11 are thrilled about it. 1 is not. It ends up being a sex storytelling show, and most of the guys just tell what they think is a funny story about being a clueless 16-year-old. Chad and Evan get into… I don’t know, an altercation? More on that later…
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JoJo and James Taylor go on a date to learn how to swing dance, are in a flash mob, and of course he busts out his guitar by the end of the night. Back at the house, there is a new security guard walking around because the dudes don’t feel comfortable being near Chad. Evan, after already giving JoJo an ultimatum about Chad, pulls Chris Harrison aside to let him know how scary our favorite snack monster is. Chad reassures him it’s all good, and we learn that before the next rose ceremony there will be a pool party. Part two of this ridiculous extravaganza airs tonight, but first let’s see who earned themselves an award!
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We're awarding The Bachelorette contestants with their rightful awards after each episode of the show. To kick it all off, JoJo is the proud recipient of The "Cute Workout Top!" Award. The pink number with the straps that she wore during yoga was a great look for her. Kinda jealous her ponytail was always in place and there was hardly a drop of sweat to be found on her though. ABC
The "X-Ray Vision Award" goes to: Chad
Chad was on board with absolutely nothing last night, except working out and of course, continuously eating anything in sight. When he was picked for the group date, he wasn't interested because 11 other dudes would be there. At the storytelling event, he proclaimed his sex stories are "not JoJo's business" at this point in their relationship. When Chris Harrison announced there would be a pool party instead of a cocktail hour before the rose ceremony, Chad didn't want to see JoJo in her bikini because he didn't want the other guys seeing her in her bikini and could already tell what her body looks like because he could "tell through her dress." Chad can see through everyone and everything. ABC
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The "No More Shirts For You" Award goes to: Chase
Dayum. When he took off his shirt at the yoga date, his torso looked so good, that hideous side tattoo was almost forgivable. Considering we had to spend the rest of the episode watching Chad's veins bust out of his arms, seeing Chase with a nice, toned physique was quite refreshing. And hot. ABC
The "This Could Be Us But You Playin'" Award goes to: Daniel
Daniel's only purpose at this point seems to be to hang around with Chad. He has a heart to heart with him, comparing him to Hitler, and then Trump and then George W. Bush while Chad chomps on a full sweet potato and a stray piece of lettuce. Daniel also took the storytelling opportunity to discuss a time where someone was "tied up" and he took out the knife he carries on him to chop off a piece of that poor hostage's hair. Not even a little bit ok, Daniel. ABC
The "Don't Get Caught Up In The Hype" Award goes to: Derek
Derek is sweet and has nice eyes and has a chance at JoJo actually liking him, even though he was picked for 0 dates this week and was clearly concerned with it. However, sitting in that house was starting to get to him and he was becoming more vocal about the Chad drama. Stay cool, my dude. You don't need to get involved. ABC
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The "Put The Tears Away" Award goes to: Evan
Well, Evan certainly had an episode, didn't he. We spent ENTIRELY too much time listening to him bitch about and plot against Chad. He used his storytelling opportunity to tell a story that was a not-so-thinly-veiled attempt to make fun of Chad. He successfully got Chad to punch a door, and then grab him by the neck/shirt, using that as ammo to set an ultimatum for JoJo: if Chad stays, I go. JoJo gave him a rose, and Chad is still around. But Evan got all teary when he got the rose, and that wasn't even his most pathetic move yet. That's reserved for the moment he went whining to Chris Harrison. ABC
The "It's OK To Just Be Hot And Not Funny" Award goes to: Grant
Grant's storytelling was...not great. Last week he slayed the fireman challenge, because he is an actual firefighter. But this dude is hot! Chris Hemsworth is one of few exceptions where a person is both hot and funny, so let's just leave that to him. Grant, drop the mic and just worry about being hot. ABC
The "Oh No, Not The Guitar" Award goes to: James Taylor.
Seriously, how does this dude have his guitar available at every moment? At the end of a lovely and fairly successful date, he busts it out. James spent the dancing and flash mob portion of the day being a great sport and giving it his all, while wearing suspenders! We should've seen the guitar coming at the end of the day, but just,leave it at home for one night, bro. Please. ABC
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The "Snooze Button" Award goes to: Jordan
Oh, Jordan. Gonna need you to step your game up if you want to hang around much longer. His story, his moment with JoJo, all of it was as unforgettable as it gets. ABC
The "Nice Sunglasses" Award goes to: Wells
Wells didn't get too caught up in the Chad drama because he's a nice, respectable man. He got approx. 3 seconds of screen time when telling his sexy story, but was seen being appropriately supportive by laughing in the audience. However, when Chad was stomping around the house and all the dudes were whispering about it, Wells was wearing a really nice pair of sunglasses. They looked great on you, Wells!
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Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
