‘The Bachelorette’ Awards, Episode 5: JoJo Deserves SO Much Better Than These Crybabies

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. We didn’t know how good we had it with Chad. Or, maybe we did? Either way, things are grim as hell now on The Bachelorette. Before we hand out awards to the crop of losers JoJo is stuck in a foreign country with, let’s recap the poop emojis that are the contestants left on this show.
The episode opens with the guys celebrating Chad’s departure the only way they know how: with a song. And protein powder. James T. picks up his precious guitar, the guys take handfuls of Chad’s protein powder and throw them in the air like they are the LeBron James of being terrible people. Even my beloved Wells is doing some shit talking! But really, that was a waste of protein powder, that stuff is expensive and it’s not like there aren’t other dudes in the house that use it. Come on.

Only Chad hasn’t fully departed the group. After running his hands down the glass door (um, who cleans that?) and thinking out loud, “I guess she thinks that I’m too intense or something,” Chad stares at the group of guys a little longer, while Jordan makes a fake “I’m sorry” bullshit speech, and then shakes Chad’s hand a little too hard for a little too long. He’s clearly very scared of him in a non-adorable way. Chad blames the group, claiming that they put him in that position (to threaten violence, etc.) and he’s 100% right. They are instigators and little babies for not owning up to that. Chad made his way out, I think, I was too distracted by James T’s offensively neon yellow shorts, and Daniel eating something, trying his hardest to be Chad. Looked like maybe macaroni and cheese or something.

Alex is more excited to get home and hang out with the Chad-free group than he is to continue his date with JoJo, and for good reason. As soon as he walks in the door, the dudes hoist him up on their shoulders and shove a cake in his face like it’s his birthday and wedding day at the same time. It is neither.
Chase and Robby both think they are getting so close with JoJo, the latter even making her throw a penny in a fountain and wish for her engagement ring, while the other guys creepily watched on. Evan has been droning on and on for most of the episode already, but makes an astute point when he notes that now that Chad is out of the picture, the guys are turning into “mini Chads.” He’s right. Now they are left to compete against each other, and it is SO much less fun. Also, did you know Grant is still hanging around?
James F sits down on the couch with JoJo before the rose ceremony and says the four deadliest words possible, “I wrote a poem.” Noooo! He proceeds to recite said poem and someone bring JoJo a humanitarian award ASAP for sitting through that. Alex rushes over and practically interrupts the poem, but is not quite so lucky. Jordan “steals” her to push her against a wall (that all the dudes are on the other side of) to make out with her, and if it were, like, maybe one of 3 other dudes it would’ve been hot. But they are respectful and wouldn’t do that so it’s just awkward more than anything.

Going home: James F, who will have plenty of time to write poems on the plane, and DANIEL. Now, he’s been a nuisance for weeks. But Daniel’s biggest flaw is that he waited until his exit interview to say the most brilliant things that have ever tumbled out of a mouth before. Such as:
“She’s obviously going for personality and my personality is shit”
“No one’s on my level”
“I’ve had more experiences than all these guys combined”
And something about getting “struck by lightning while…shaving my face”
I’ve wished for weeks that he would pack up and leave and it took 30 seconds of babbling to make me regret that forever. Actually no, not really. Thank you Daniel for giving the viewers the most generous parting gift imaginable. We appreciate it.
JoJo’s ready to take this frat from hell international so they’re going to… Uruguay, baby! Bless their hearts for not even pretending they know what that is. They’ve barely touched down and Jordan is already on a date with JoJo on a boat and out to dinner, where he drops the fact that he has a “pastor” during a conversation that any body language expert would tell you to run far, far away from. He’s “reassuring” JoJo but, like… not at all.

Back at the hotel, the guys are having a sleepover any tween would be jealous of: doing hair (cuts courtesy of Vinny, who is also still around!), celebrity magazines and tons of gossip! The guys earnestly confess that they don’t trust Jordan while flipping through the pages of InTouch, reading lie after lie from JoJo’s ex Chad. ANOTHER Chad! Girl, step away from the Chads. Then there is the spa portion of this trip, where Jordan snacks on the cucumbers meant for his untrustworthy eyes, while he and Robby talk to each other through facemasks. No cucumbers can hide the collective eye rolls going on here.
JoJo is very upset about the magazine that the producers clearly gave them, and reassures them she wants them to stay. So a bunch of the dudes head out for a group date to go sand surfing. Evan predicts he will get a nosebleed, Wells is adorably good at the surfing, and it’s fun to see some of these dumb dumbs tumble down the sand dunes like the true idiots that they are.

Alex, campaigning for the position of ABSOLUTE WORST, starts to make quite a convincing case. He gets on Derek’s back for starting to feel jealous and insecure (and admitting it!) and starts straight up bullying him. Derek admits his feelings to JoJo LIKE A TRUE MAN and it only makes Alex crazier and meaner, and project his rampant insecurities onto Derek, calling him “an insecure little bitch.” Alex. That is so beyond uncalled for, it’s not even fun. It’s pathetic AF and you are a meanie.
A stray dog wanders around the beach while JoJo waits for Robby to show up for their date where they jump off a cliff into the water. It’s nice, these two do seem to get along well, even though Robby was too deep in his thoughts trying to figure out when and how to tell JoJo he loves her. He succeeds at dinner after telling a sad story about his best friend and she drops a “thank you” on his ass. But you can’t help but enjoy them making out in front of the fireworks. Nice touch, Bachelorette producers, and firework department of Uruguay.

Before the rose ceremony, Derek confronts Alex, Chase, Robby and Jordan for being bitchass bullies, they puff up their chests, scoff at him and reach new levels of insecurity, while Derek takes his sad Jim Halpert face back inside.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony in a green dress that absolutely SLAYS. Seriously stunning, girlfriend! She can’t seem to find a rose for Evan (hallelujah), Grant (boy, bye) or Vinny, which is actually kind of sad! REALLY wishing it was Alex that went home because at least Vinny was minding his business and giving all the dudes a fresh edge. Seemed like a sweet enough guy, while Alex is strutting around like a certified asshole.
All the dudes cried on their way out, Evan the most, but the other two significantly, which was unexpected. Sigh. I know, we should have an appreciation for male tears this week because LeBron James, and this is typical Evan. Grant, your firefighting ass will be fine, but I do have a soft spot for Vinny. Now for the awards.

The “Leave Your Hair Alone” Award goes to: Jordan. Hey fella. Constantly running your hand through your hair, as proud of it as you may be, is like, the number one sign you are guilty and lying to JoJo about your ex and your intentions and basically everything. Cut it out.
The “Let’s Go Take a Nap” Award goes to: Wells. Honey. Let’s go lay down and take a nap. Your eyes look very tired and I know you had a long day of sand surfing, but maybe your lack of sleep is why you are getting involved in the petty BS. You’re better than that. It was nice of you to point out Derek’s “valor” though.
The “Thanks for Being a Real Man” Award goes to: Derek. The only one who identified and admitted his feelings in the whole group. The rest of you just got defensive and pissy and that is not a good look.

The “Dude, Are You Sure That Eye Is Ok?” Award goes to: James T. Sadly, he does not require the use of his eye to play the guitar. He’s very nervous about his longevity in this “journey” and seeing what douchebags the other guys were being this week, so am I.
The “Sound bites on Fleek” Award goes to: Daniel. God, that string of quotes was a true blessing. But we will not miss you, bye bye.

The “Aww, Sorry Bro!” Award goes to: Vinny. Didn’t understand the tears, but feel bad he let them fly freely on national TV. Oh Vinny, we hardly knew ye.
The “Edgar Allen Poe-lease Never Again” Award goes to: James F. I appreciate the creative endeavor, but no more poems, my guy.
The “Yeah, You’re Fine” Award goes to: Robby. He’s…fine. Not foine, just, whatever. He had a nice enough date with JoJo, although don’t like his involvement with the Catty Clique. He needs to back out of there and just focus on JoJo and not his brobros.
The “Leave Derek Alone” Award goes to: Alex. Dude. STFU and leave Derek alone. Don’t worry about his rose, worry about being a nice person and getting your own. Stop calling people bitches, even though I’m about to call you one, and put the spoon down because you’ve stirred the pot enough and you will never be as entertaining as Chad.
The “Ew, What Happened?” Award goes to: Chase. You were so promising. And this week, you were so douchey. Get it together

The “You’re The Only Good One Left” Award goes to: Luke. It’s the truth.
The “OMG Please Just Go Already” Award goes to: Evan. Please.
[Watch The Bachelorette on Hulu]